Dale: Cooper, what is the problem?
Missy: The ball isn't going where it's supposed to.
Dale: I saw that.
Missy: What am I doing wrong?
Dale: Just a little case of the yips. It happens.
Missy: What's that?
Dale: The yips... you know, it's when you're thinking about stuff in your head and something you've done a million times, you can't do it anymore. Even the pros get it.
Missy: How do I get rid of it?
Dale: Uh, just don't think about it.
Missy: Okay. [sighs]
Dale: Don't think, just throw. [Missy pitches] [crowd groans] I hate the little people.

Umpire: Strike!
Missy: Yes!
Dale: Aw, don't get all hysterical, little girl!
Missy: You suck!
Dale: You suck!
Missy: No! You suck!
Umpire: Strike!
Dale: I am the leader of the little people.

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Hey, what's up?
Meemaw: Oh, nothing. I just called to say hello.
Dale: Oh. Gee, I don't think I've done that in my entire life.
Meemaw: You want me to hang up?
Dale: No. Uh-uh. W... But what happens next?

Meemaw: [on the phone] Hi, June. What's going on?
June: I know you have a hair appointment this afternoon, but I'm gonna have to cancel.
Meemaw: Everything okay?
June: No, I busted my knee up pretty good.
Meemaw: Oh. Does Dale know? I-I'm on the other line with him.
June: No, not yet. Yeah, you can tell him.
Meemaw: Okay, hang on. [changes line] Hello?
Dale: I'm so sorry, who's this? It's been so long.
Meemaw: I'm on the phone with June. She hurt her knee.
Dale: How?
Meemaw: Well, hold on. [changes line] How'd you hurt it?
June: Oh, it's so embarrassing. I slipped on a glob of hair gel at the salon.
Meemaw: Wait a minute. [changes line] She slipped on a glob of hair gel at the salon.
Dale: [laughs] Oh, nice. Well, that was worth the wait.

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
June: It's me. Any chance you could swing by?
Dale: What do you need?
June: Well, the recliner won't go down, and I'm stuck in this chair like a damn fool.
Dale: Well, that is a situation. How long you been stuck?
June: Are you gonna help me out or not?
Dale: Oh, just give me a moment to enjoy it.
June: Get your ass over here and you can laugh at me in person.
Dale: Eh, I'm on my way.
June: [exhales] Thank you.
Dale: Got to grab my camera.

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.

Dale: Hey. You ready for dinner?
Meemaw: Do I look ready?
Dale: No. How was your day, dear?
Meemaw: Well, I ran out of quarters. Then I had to break up a fight over a dryer sheet. Then washer number three overflowed again.
Dale: Oh. Well, I had a nice day. I got to pet a horse. Come on, let me take you to dinner.
Meemaw: Dinner's not gonna fix this mess.
Dale: Yeah, I was counting on margaritas to do the heavy lifting.

Meemaw: I guess I'll just sell the place. If I take a bath, so be it.
Dale: Oh, I don't know. I got a realtor friend, might be able to help.
Meemaw: You mean like your cop friend who shut me down?
Dale: Yeah, that wasn't great.

Dale: What about Georgie's idea?
Meemaw: That dumb Chuck E. Cheese thing? Dale, come on.
Dale: Well, actually, I think it's kind of brilliant.
Meemaw: You think that grown-ups are gonna gamble for some stuffed animals?
Dale: Yeah, that you're buying back from them.
Meemaw: Well, a teddy bear's only worth a couple of bucks.
Dale: It's worth whatever you say it's worth. They win a hundred bucks, then it's worth a hundred bucks.

Meemaw: I'm gonna open my game room.
Dale: How?
Meemaw: I don't know.
Dale: Move to a new location?
Meemaw: I don't know!
Dale: What about the Laundromat?
Meemaw: Keep asking questions, see what happens.
Dale: Last one.
Meemaw: What?
Dale: How'd you get so pretty?
Meemaw: I hate you.
Dale: I like you.

Dale: So you gonna sell the place?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: Instead of crime boss, you're gonna be a laundry boss. Well, I guess that's just as cool.

Meemaw: Are you disappointed this isn't more like some old cop show?
Dale: I loved Rockford Files.
Meemaw: Well, I tell you what, when he gets here, you're my muscle. If anything goes sideways, you jump in.
Dale: See, now you're talking. I'll stand behind you and I'll crack my knuckles.
Meemaw: With your arthritis?
Dale: It's only bad when it rains.

Dale: I-I thought you liked being retired... now you want to be a business owner? It's not as much as fun as I make it look.
Meemaw: Listen, I've been gambling my whole life and losing to the house. This is my chance to be the house.
Dale: You go to prison, I ain't waitin' for you.
Meemaw: You really have the energy to find a new girlfriend?
Dale: I'll wait. [Meemaw chuckles]

George Jr.: One night here is fine. I'll be workin' more hours now so I'll be able to get my own place soon.
Dale: Yeah, about that. I can't let you work full-time at the store.
George Jr.: What? Why not?
Dale: Well, your parents are pretty upset. I'm not gonna get in the middle of that.
George Jr.: I'll just get a job somewhere else.
Dale: That's your business.

Dale: [on the phone] Well, we don't carry hockey skates. Uh, heck, I know of a place up north where you can find them. It's called Canada. [hangs up]

George Jr.: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
George Jr.: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
George Jr.: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
George Jr.: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Mary: Did you tell Georgie to drop out of school?
Dale: What? No.
Mary: Well, he did, and you had something to do with it.
Dale: Well, no, he was just complaining about school and I told him I dropped out.
Mary: Dale, you know that he looks up to you.
Dale: He does, doesn't he?
Mary: Which is why you need to tell him that he is making a big mistake.
Dale: Oh, I don't think I can do that.
Mary: Why not?
Dale: Well, I don't believe he is.
Mary: How could you say that?
Dale: I did it, worked out fine.

Meemaw: [to John] Here's the deal... you get one night here, then you're out.
George Jr.: And don't ask for cookies. She is in no mood.
Dale: Well... You know who's at my place? No one.
Meemaw: I think I should stay here and keep an eye on these two.
Dale: It wasn't an invite. Just something I was looking forward to. Later.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye. Did he get a haircut? It looks really nice.

George Sr.: What are you thinking?!
Dale: I'm thinking I should've went home after your wife left.