Meemaw: I can't believe we have to drink so much of that garbage.
Dale: [sighs] Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear.
Meemaw: You are so full of crap.
Dale: Well, not for much longer. Excuse me, the festivities have begun.
Meemaw: You're taking that whole thing with you?
Dale: I'm gonna be a while.

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Hey, what's up?
Meemaw: You'll be happy to know I went out and got a checkup.
Dale: Fantastic.
Meemaw: Yeah, great, just great. And now you can shut up about it.
Dale: Well, how'd it go?
Meemaw: Good news, bad news.
Dale: Uh-oh.
Meemaw: Good news is I'm fine.
Dale: Well, now, isn't that comforting to know?
Meemaw: Don't be smug.
Dale: So what's the bad news?
Meemaw: He wants me to have a colonoscopy.
Dale: Great! Oh, my gosh, we can do it together! Can't you just feel the romance?
Meemaw: No, you weirdo.

Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Well, hey. Well, you missed it. Some old broad went nuts over there and threw her pool cue on the table. She's crazy.
Meemaw: Mm. Sorry.

Meemaw: I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks.
Dale: Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting?
Meemaw: Sure.
Dale: Okay, how about this? If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.
Meemaw: God, are you still on this?
Dale: Come on, why not?
Meemaw: 'Cause I don't wanna.
Dale: Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to.
Meemaw: Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.
Dale: When was the last time you saw him?
Meemaw: I don't know, it's been a while.
Dale: Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while, "Watergate" a while?
Meemaw: Drop it.
Dale: Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches?
Meemaw: I'm about to take this pool cue and beat your doctor to the punch.
Dale: Oh. That long, huh? Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup.
Meemaw: I feel fine.
Dale: Okay. At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in...
Meemaw: I'm not going to the doctor, so just... mind your own business.

Meemaw: It's no big deal.
Dale: It's a colonoscopy.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: So, one of those words means "colon," and the other means "shoving a camera up it."
Meemaw: Mm. I'm surprised you need one. Did you tell him about the salad?
Dale: It's not funny.
Meemaw: Stop being such a baby. Something I have pushed out of my body. You can do this.
Dale: Wait, wait, I got an idea. Why don't we do it together?
Meemaw: What? No.
Dale: Come on. It'll be romantic.
Meemaw: You're weird.

Meemaw: I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.
Waiter: And for you?
Dale: Uh, just the house salad, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Meemaw: House salad? You watching your figure?
Dale: I have a physical tomorrow.
Meemaw: Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?
Dale: Can't hurt.
Meemaw: It ain't gonna undo years of red meat and beer.
Dale: I'm not trying to undo it, I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

What do you think about letting me borrow your truck today?
Dale: I don't know.
Meemaw: Why not?
Dale: 'Cause I like my truck.
Meemaw: Not funny.
Dale: It is. You're just cranky.
Meemaw: Fine. Maybe I'll just ride my bicycle to the salon.
Dale: You ride a bike?
Meemaw: Is that amusing to you?
Dale: An old lady riding a bike? Oh, no. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Shut up.
Dale: Okay, will do.

Meemaw: [on the phone] What'd I say?
Dale: You don't remember?
[flashback:]
Meemaw: And then I lost $20 at the video poker bar, and then we sang karaoke.
June: Tell him about the shrimp.
Meemaw: [chuckles)]We went to the all-you-can-eat buffet, you know, and they had these jumbo shrimp. [June laughs] And, I mean, they weren't just saying they were jumbo.
June: So big!
[present:]
Meemaw: Are you gonna tell me what I said or not?
Dale: Hell no. I'm having too much fun.
Meemaw: I hate you.
Dale: [chuckles] I can live with that.

June: Make it stop.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Oh. [answers phone] Who the hell is this?
Dale: Hey. Morning, sunshine.
Meemaw: What time is it?
Dale: 2:00 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, I mean, you had a wild night singing and everything.
Meemaw: How do you know that?
Dale: You called me at 3:00 in the morning.

June: [on answer machine] Hey, Connie, it's June. You know, I don't feel good about what happened the other night, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Could you give me a call back? Thanks. Bye. [machine beeps]
Meemaw: That's nice.
Dale: I don't know why you get an apology. I'm the one she was trying to piss off.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Looks like she's still doing it.
Dale: All the years we were married, I never once got an apology.
Meemaw: Well, you're not exactly the apologizing kind yourself, you know.
Dale: Well, that's not true. For years after we broke up, I was telling people I was sorry I married her.

Dale: What is she thinking?
Meemaw: Maybe she's thinking, "Why did I come here with this guy?" Wait, no, that's what I'm thinking.
Dale: You know what I'm talking about. She brought him here on purpose.
Meemaw: What purpose?
Dale: To upset me.
Meemaw: You know, Dale, not everything is always about you.
Dale: Well, you're mad at me, she's mad at me. It seems like it's all about me.
Meemaw: Well, you owe her an apology.
Dale: Like hell I do.
Meemaw: Then I'm gonna do it for you.
Dale: [whispers] No, wait. Connie, wait.
Meemaw: What?
Dale: Bring me back a beer.

June: What's your problem?
Meemaw: Yeah, what is your problem?
Dale: Who said I had a problem?
Meemaw: We did.
June: You're being rude.
Dale: Okay, you want to spend all your money on some boy toy, it's none of my business.
Meemaw: Why do you care what she does with her own money?
June: Yeah, why?
Dale: Well, you got some young guy running around, asking for money. You don't think I know what that's all about?
June: Okay, he didn't ask... I offered. And I can do what I want. I'm a grown woman.
Dale: Oh, hell, you were a grown woman when he was born.

Dale: Okay, so what is it you do, Langston?
Justin: Justin. Actually, I'm about to open a frozen yogurt shop.
Dale: Frozen yogurt. Right. Isn't that, like, crappy ice cream?
Justin: We consider it a healthy alternative.
Dale: Right. Crappy ice cream.
June: It's actually getting really popular. I'm gonna invest.
Dale: Invest money?
Meemaw: What else would she invest with?
Dale: I don't know. You got fake ice cream. How 'bout fake money?

Meemaw: So, how'd you two meet?
Dale: Oh, I've been cutting his mom's hair for years.
Meemaw: Oh, that's nice.
Dale: Bet you when she cuts your hair, you get a lollipop, don't you?
June: Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
Dale: Really? Is that so?
Meemaw: Dale.

Meemaw: Haven't been to many weddings lately. Mostly funerals.
Dale: Yeah, those don't have an open bar. I don't know why I'm so excited. I'm paying for this.

Dale: Speaking of this weekend, hey, my son needs a final head count.
Meemaw: Oh. It's a small wedding. It'll be weird if I'm there.
Dale: Aw, come on, I'm gonna be wearing a suit. I'm very sexy in a suit.

Meemaw: Where we eating tonight?
Dale: Well, that depends. Why don't you look in the glovebox and check on the Tums situation.
Meemaw: There's five.
Dale: Oh, my, this is tricky. Well, Mexican's at least three apiece.
Meemaw: We might get by with two each if it's Italian.
Dale: You get red wine and then tomato sauce. Hey, if they put lemon in the water, we're dead.
Meemaw: Hmm. That leaves barbecue.
Dale: Sold.
Meemaw: Who gets Tum number three?
Dale: Me. They're my Tums.

Meemaw: What happened to you? You used to be fun.
Dale: Come on, I'm playing this stupid game with your grandkids.
Sheldon: That's rude.
Meemaw: Cut the crap. We both know this isn't you.
Dale: Oh, I can't win with you.
Meemaw: What does that mean?
Dale: Forget it.
Meemaw: No, I'm not gonna forget it. Talk to me.
Dale: I don't want to.

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]