Dale: Oh. Hold on. Hold on. Your chair, milady.
Meemaw: "Milady"? Where did that come from?
Dale: I don't know. My brain.
Meemaw: [laughs]

George Jr.: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
George Jr.: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
George Jr.: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
George Jr.: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Dale: You actually bought this thing?
Meemaw: It's fun, huh?
Dale: I feel like I'm riding in a banana.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. It's a beautiful day. The top is down. Feel that wind.
Dale: Yeah, I feel the wind. I just can't feel my feet.
Meemaw: Well, put your seat back.
Dale: If I put it any further back, I'd be in the trunk.
Meemaw: Starting to wish I had put you in the trunk. [Dale covers his mouth] What are you doing now?
Dale: Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Sheldon: Just think. You'll have this table all to yourself.
Tam: Actually, I joined the jazz band. Those guys have their own table in the cafeteria.
Sheldon: Oh.
Tam: They're pretty cool. The drummer's even got a goatee.
Sheldon: Well, I'm glad I knew you before you became a heroin addict.

Adult Sheldon: Later that day, we had a graduation party for me and my sister. I don't normally care for parties, but this one wasn't so bad.
Mary: Who's ready for cake?
Missy: Me!
Dale: Hey, should we say grace?
Mary: Heck, yeah! Let's hold hands.
Meemaw: Oh, cool. Let's say grace.
Adult Sheldon: Dale invited Jesus to the party, and while he wasn't on my guest list, it was okay because it made my mom happy.
Mary: And bless our friends and family...
Adult Sheldon: In fact, it was the best graduation party I had ever been to, until the one we had for my son, Leonard Cooper.
All: Amen.
Missy: Cake!
Adult Sheldon: I wanted his name to be Leonard "Nimoy" Cooper, but Amy wouldn't let me.
Amy: Be happy I let you name him Leonard!
Adult Sheldon: Okay, okay!
Amy: Love you.
Adult Sheldon: Love you, too.