Popular Quotes
Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff
Missy: He held my hand!
Meemaw: High five!
Missy: Don't touch it!
Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
Sheldon: Oh. Says here Fort Stockton is home to the world's largest roadrunner statue, which is the stuff of nightmares. But they do have a restroom.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Pastor Jeff: Dear Heavenly Father, as we return to school, we look to your eternal...
Billy Sparks: [stands] I pledge allegiance to the...
Pastor Jeff: Billy, it's not the pledge.
Quote from the episode An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
Meemaw: Hello?
Sheldon: Meemaw. I'm sorry for waking you, but I know how to kill the cyclops. We have to play the piccolo.
Meemaw: Ooh. What a great idea, moonpie. We'll try it tomorrow.
Sheldon: Excellent. Wait, how'd you answer your phone so fast? It's not next to your bed.
Meemaw: Uh, well, actually, I was on my way to the bathroom. You know us old people and our bladders.
Quote from the episode A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony
Sheldon: Stay back!
Meemaw: Calm down. We're taking her home.
Missy: To be murdered.
Sheldon: Okay, have fun.
Quote from the episode An 8-Bit Princess and a Flat Tire Genius
George Jr.: Herschel offered me a part-time job.
Mary: Really? Between that and football practice, when would you do your homework?
Missy: When does he do it?
Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken
Brenda Sparks: I can't believe you told on me to Pastor Jeff.
Mary: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Billy Sparks: [whispering] Hi, neighbor.
Mary: Hi.
Quote from the episode Carbon Dating and a Stuffed Raccoon
Mary: Dad's clothes, his shoes, his pipes?
Meemaw: Honey, it's just stuff. I know, but still I get how you're feeling. I do. Now go away. I got a lot of crap to sell.
Quote from the episode A Party Invitation, Football Grapes and an Earth Chicken
Sheldon: You should probably settle on a specific date because when I want to go to RadioShack and my dad says, "Maybe another time," we never end up going.
Meemaw: Thank you so much, Sheldon. I think we got this.
Quote from the episode A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
Sheldon: Ew. Georgie, put your shoes back on!
George Jr.: He can't smell this.
Sheldon: Yes, I can!
Quote from the episode A High-Pitched Buzz and Training Wheels
Mary: Why aren't you eating, Sheldon?
Sheldon: How can I with that horrible noise?
Mary: What noise?
Sheldon: That irritating, high-pitched buzz.
George Jr.: I don't hear nothin'.
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Sheldon: How can you not?
Missy: Wait. I think I hear it.
Sheldon: You do?
Missy: Yeah. It's coming out of your face.
Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. What's up?
Mary: Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?
Pastor Jeff: My sweet spot. Sit. What's the buzz? Tell me, what's a-happenin'? Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a great show.
Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's
Sheldon: I have a problem with this permission slip. You didn't cut them in half evenly. Mine has two holes, and Derek here just has one.
Ms. MacElroy: Then trade.
Sheldon: Then Derek will have two holes, and mine will have one.
Ms. MacElroy: You're not going to the water park anyway!
Quote from the episode Body Glitter and a Mall Safety Kit
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] What's on your mind?
Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.
Quote from the episode Seven Deadly Sins and a Small Carl Sagan
Mary: Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House is to show how sins destroy our lives?
Mr. Lundy: Yeah, so?
Mary: You are making them into a good thing.
Mr. Lundy: Have you read the script? He's gonna get syphilis. He goes home, he gives it to his wife. She goes crazy. She kills him and her entire family. What am I missing?
Quote from the episode A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
Mary: Anything you can tell me about the Walkers?
Peg: Not really, just a couple of newlyweds trying to figure it out.
Mary: Well, marriage is hard.
Peg: I'll never know.
Mary: Oh don't think that way. I'm sure there's someone out there for you.
Peg: Oh, no, that's not the problem. I just don't want to waste this on just one guy.
Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary
Mary: Let's just say grace.
Sheldon: Hold on. Are these hot dogs kosher?
Meemaw: [laughs, snorts]
Quote from the episode A Math Emergency and Perky Palms
Dr. John Sturgis: It's all right, Connie. Sheldon's trying to justify his shortcut.
Sheldon: Not a shortcut, a more elegant and efficient method to achieve the correct answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I applaud the effort, young man.
Sheldon: Don't treat me like a child, treat me like a colleague.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Sheldon: How could you say that?! [CRYING]
Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Treating him like a colleague.
Meemaw: Do you and your colleagues make each other run out of the room crying like that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes. But we run slower, 'cause we're old.
Quote from the episode Pilot
Sheldon: Good luck with your finger painting.
Missy: You're gonna get your ass kicked in high school.
Mary: (flicks Missy on the head) Hey!
Quote from the episode Rockets, Communists, and the Dewey Decimal System
Mary: Okay, let's say grace. Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus," feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.
Tam: I'm actually Catholic.
Mary: Oh! Well, that's too bad.