Sheldon Quotes
Quote from the episode The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian
Adult Sheldon: Trying to outsmart my own thought patterns proved to be challenging. It's understandable, as smart as I was, I was also that smart. I wondered if I could invent a mind control device, but that sounded a little too "mwah ha ha" even for me. It turned out the device I was looking for had been in my presence the entire time. Television. It had been tranquilizing the minds of America's youth for generations, and it was just what I needed.
Man: [on TV] Lift off.
Sheldon: Too interesting. [turns to The Three Stooges] Too violent. [turns to game show involving slime] I don't think so.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Now, then, let's build us a little cloud. Clouds are very free. Very, very free. Tell you what. Shoot, that was so much fun, let's get crazy...
Sheldon: Who's this bohemian?
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
[When President Hagemeyer walks in to her office, she is surprised to see Sheldon seated at her desk facing away from the door. Hagemeyer tries to turn around and walk out]
Sheldon: I smell your perfume.
President Hagemeyer: So, what, pray tell, is today's problem?
Sheldon: I have a four-hour gap in my schedule.
President Hagemeyer: How is that a problem?
Sheldon: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, it's a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.
President Hagemeyer: Fine, go hang out in the cafeteria.
Sheldon: I don't "hang."
President Hagemeyer: Go to the library.
Sheldon: Too noisy.
President Hagemeyer: Take a nap. Kids love those.
Sheldon: In a public place? I'm sorry, is this Woodstock?
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I'm not the one who made your schedule.
Sheldon: No, but as the president of the university, you do have the power to adjust the class times.
President Hagemeyer: So, you expect me to disrupt the schedule of hundreds of students for your convenience?
Sheldon: Finally, we're on the same page.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I have work to do, and I'm sure that you can solve this one on your own.
Sheldon: I suppose a nap might be refreshing. What kind of lumbar support does that couch have?
President Hagemeyer: That's it. Come with me.
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
Sam: Well, I was gonna study in my dorm, but there was a sock on my door.
Sheldon: Oh, and you didn't want to touch it. I understand completely.
Sam: Yeah, you really don't, but that's fine.
Sheldon: Well, I have a room here, so you could study with me if you'd like.
Sam: Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. [chuckles]
Sheldon: Why was there a sock on your door?
Sam: It's like a signal.
Sheldon: A signal for what?
Sam: A signal that I should change the subject. How are your classes going?
Sheldon: So well, thank you for asking.
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
Sam: Wait, you have a single?
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Sam: And you don't even sleep here?
Sheldon: Well, sometimes I take naps, but that mattress is lumpy, lumpy.
Sam: I live with two other girls in a room this size.
Sheldon: You should've complained to President Hagemeyer. She was very accommodating.
Sam: Wait, there are two closets?
Sheldon: That's a bathroom.
Sam: Are you kidding me? I share one with, like, 30 other people.
Sheldon: That sounds yucky.
Sam: It is, Sheldon. It is very yucky. However yucky you think it is, it is yuckier.
Sheldon: Well, you're welcome to use mine. Just squat over the seat, don't sit.
Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room
George Sr.: Your mother and I are worried that your friends at school might be taking advantage of you.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
George Sr.: [sighs] They might not be using it in the... the spirit that you intended.
Sheldon: How are they using it?
George Sr.: Mary?
Mary: [sighs] We're worried that those couples are not going there to study...
Sheldon: But that's why I'm lending them the room.
Mary: And that is why we are concerned.
Sheldon: Are you saying they're using it as a goof-off room?
George Sr.: Yes. [stammers] That's exactly what we're saying.
Sheldon: Well, let's drive over there right now and catch them in the act.
Mary: No!
George Sr.: Let's just let them finish... goofing off tonight, and we'll put a stop to it tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, thank you for telling me.
Mary: We thought that you should know. [both exit]
Sheldon: Mm. [to himself] Those dirty goof-offs.
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Mary: So, what do you say?
Sheldon: Disrupting my sleep schedule to fraternize with children my own age? We both know the answer.
Mary: I figured. I just wanted to make sure. Although I could use someone as my eyes and ears if the kids get to causing trouble.
Sheldon: Are you asking me to help enforce the rules and police the other children?
Mary: Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.
Sheldon: Because if you do, I'm in.
Mary: Then what you said.
Sheldon: I need to pick out pajamas.
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Sheldon: I'm neither holding hands nor praying. I don't even know why I walked over here.
Pastor Rob: Heavenly Father, may this evening bring us closer to you. Keep us safe and, most importantly, Heavenly Father, help us rock this night of fellowship. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor Rob: I don't think he heard you.
All: Amen!
Sheldon: He can't hear you because he's not real.
Pastor Rob: One more time for Sheldon, y'all. [Sheldon covers his ears]
All: Amen!
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Pastor Rob: Gentlemen. How are we tonight?
Billy Sparks: [whispers] Be cool.
Pastor Rob: Y'all wouldn't be planning on throwing any water balloons at the girls later?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
[Pastor Rob picks up Billy's backpack and removes a water balloon]
Pastor Rob: Nice try.
Billy Sparks: How did he know?
Sheldon: Maybe God told him.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Sheldon: Would you like to go with me to a comic book convention?
George Jr.: Will there be girls there?
[Sheldon turns around and walks away without saying a word]
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Adult Sheldon: I was normally a rule follower, but one of the rules of spring break is to cut loose and break rules.
Sheldon: I'm heading out.
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To see my comic book friends.
George Sr.: Hmm. I'm leaving in a few. You want a ride?
Sheldon: No, I'm taking my bike.
Adult Sheldon: All the way to the bus station. [Sheldon smirks]
George Sr.: Something funny?
Sheldon: Not funny. Just normal.
Adult Sheldon: Smooth.
Sheldon: Bye.
Adult Sheldon: So smooth.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Nathan: So how do you know Dr. Smith over there?
Sheldon: That's not Dr. Smith, that's Mr. Givens. He was my high school science teacher.
Nathan: Oh. Well, he's dressed as Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.
Sheldon: Oh, I've never seen it.
Nathan: Yeah, well, you're not missing much. It was a lame kids' show.
Mr. Givens: I'm sorry, "lame kids' show"? For your information, Star Trek wouldn't exist without Lost in Space. [all oohing]
Nathan: Yeah, well, at least Star Trek didn't have to steal its robot from Forbidden Planet. [all oohing]
Sheldon: I take it from their reaction that was a good dig?
Nathan: Solid.
Sheldon: Nice job.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Oscar: So, how old are you?
Sheldon: Twelve.
Oscar: Damn.
Darren: And they let you live here by yourself?
Sheldon: That room's just for during the day to study.
Oscar: Didn't I see some lady in there?
Sheldon: That must've been my mom.
Oscar: Dude, his mom is hot.
Darren: What is wrong with you? Don't listen to him. He thinks any female with a pulse is hot.
Oscar: I don't think your mom is hot.
Darren: Congratulations, you're more mature than him.
Sheldon: Don't feel bad. I'm more mature than most people.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Oscar: I'm hungry. You wanna order something?
Darren: Chinese?
Oscar: Little man, you want Chinese?
Sheldon: I don't know. I've never had Chinese food.
Oscar: Really?
Darren: We get it, like, two, three times a week.
Sheldon: Chinese food three times a week? That seems excessive.
Darren: How have you never had an egg roll?
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Darren: Any chance you play Dungeons and Dragons?
Sheldon: And how. I once created a campaign set in 1940s London where Alan Turing was a character, and I had the mathematicians be magic users with theorems instead of spells. The intelligence officers were clerics...
Darren: "Yes" works. We're playing tonight and we're down a magic user. You in?
Sheldon: When are you playing?
Darren: We start at 7:00. We'll go till whenever.
Sheldon: My mom didn't let me stay past 6:00 yesterday. She'll never let me stay till "whenever."
Darren: Bummer.
Sheldon: Mm. You could play at my house.
Darren: No.
Sheldon: Bummer. I've never said that before. Did it sound cool?
Darren: No.
Sheldon: Bummer.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Sheldon: I don't know. I don't think I should.
Oscar: It's just root beer.
Sheldon: This late in the evening, my mother wouldn't approve.
Oscar: Okay.
Sheldon: Then again, I didn't think they'd let me stay, and they did, so maybe it's fine.
Oscar: I know, why don't you roll for it?
Sheldon: Ooh, good idea. Seventeen. Guess I'll have it.
Darren: We playing?
Sheldon: Hold on. Do you have a coaster?
Darren: Yeah, it's in the china cabinet.
Sheldon: And where would that be?
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Dr. Lee: I was carrying pulsers 75 feet up a wet metal ladder when there was an earthquake. [chuckles] So, I am hanging on for dear life...
Sheldon: Ooh, we should set up several radio telescopes on different rooftops in an array.
Dr. Lee: [Mandarin: "Does this kid have an off switch?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: You speak Mandarin.
Dr. Linkletter: [Mandarin: "I do. I take it you do as well?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Mandarin: "Yes. And Sheldon doesn't have an off switch..."]
Sheldon: I heard my name. What are they saying?
Dr. Linkletter: I don't speak Mandarin. Just a little French.
Dr. Lee: Oh, really? [French: "I asked if Sheldon has an off switch."]
Dr. Linkletter: Ha! [French: "I wish he did!"] [laughter]
Sheldon: Well, does anyone here speak Klingon? [Klingon: "Where do you keep the chocolate?"]
Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
Sheldon: You might want to pace yourself. Our next rest stop isn't for another... 62 miles.
Dr. Linkletter: If anyone needs to go before that, I've got a trucker's buddy in back.
Sheldon: What's that?
Dr. Linkletter: A bottle you urinate in.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, are we the Donner Party?
Quote from the episode A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car
Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.
Quote from the episode A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car
Adult Sheldon: I'd only been a shareholder for one day and I was already reveling in the giddy thrill in being part owner of a thriving tech company.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, RadioShack. Sheldon Cooper, shareholder. I just wanted to let you know I'm so excited to be part of the team. While I sound young, rest assured, I'm far more intelligent than my age would imply. So if there's anything I can do to help, budgeting, product design, finding a word more impressive than "shack," I'm your man.
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