‘Community Service and the Key to a Happy Marriage’ Quotes Page 1 of 3
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710. Community Service and the Key to a Happy Marriage
May 2, 2024Meemaw is assigned a tough probation officer (Octavia Spencer) who is determined to make sure she completes her community service. Meanwhile, Georgie is caught in the middle of an argument between Mandy and her mother.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: [knocks] Hi, I'm Connie Tucker. I'm supposed to be reporting to my probation officer?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You found her. Come on in.
[Meemaw moves slowly into the room with the aid of a crutch.]
Meemaw: Sorry I'm a little late. Not moving very fast today. Oof.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Weren't you arrested running from the police?
Meemaw: Well, I have my good days.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: That doesn't go there.
Missy: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Canned beans next to jarred preserves?
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: I care.
Missy: Well, no one cares that you care.
Sheldon: I'm someone. And I care that I care. And I care that I care that I care.
Quote from Sheldon
Missy: Are we done?
Mary: What's your hurry?
Missy: It's paternity test day on Ricki Lake and I'm missing it.
Sheldon: If people paid more attention of what belongs where, there'd be no need for paternity tests.
Quote from Jim
Georgie: Yeah, life would be so much easier if they just realized how alike they are.
Jim: Don't say that. Don't ever say that.
Georgie: We're alone in a closet. You said I could speak my mind.
Jim: Yeah, yeah, but not that.
Georgie: So where?
Jim: Nowhere. They, uh... they'll know.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Finished organizing the religious items. I separated them by New Testament hokum, Old Testament hokum, and general nonsense.
Mary: Also, Sheldon couldn't sleep knowing the room was only half-organized.
Sheldon: It's true. It was like my brain was itchy and I couldn't scratch it. Very irritating.
Mary: It was. [mouths] Very.
Meemaw: Well, I thank you both, but... I should be doing this myself.
Mary: Yes, you should, but we're already here.
Sheldon: Great, I'm gonna start on the books. I invented my own Dewey Decimal System, but instead of decimals, I use fractions.
Quote from Meemaw
Officer Rhonda Thomason: So the terms of your probation require you to do 180 hours of community service. And you're currently sitting at... zero.
Meemaw: Not true. I've been reading to the elderly.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Oh. Where at?
Meemaw: Chi-Chi's. My boyfriend forgot his glasses, so I read him the menu. [laughs]
Officer Rhonda Thomason: This is a joke to you.
Meemaw: Well, I was hoping.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You think putting on this act is gonna get you a lighter sentence?
Meemaw: Act? What act?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Look at my nose.
Meemaw: Okay...
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You know what this nose can do? It can smell bull-pucky from two counties over. And you know what it's smelling right now? A big, steamy pile.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: [enters] I need you to do me a favor.
Mary: Hello to you, too.
Meemaw: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look. I need you to sign some forms for me, no questions asked.
Mary: What am I signing?
Meemaw: We agreed no questions asked.
Sheldon: Given her criminal past, I'd advise caution.
Meemaw: Moon Pie, I love you, but shut it.
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: Six hours. All day long for six lousy hours.
Mary: I gave you six, you worked four.
Meemaw: Felt longer.
Mary: Most people work eight.
Meemaw: Most people get paid.
Mary: Most people don't commit crimes.
Meemaw: Sure they do. They just don't get caught.
Quote from Sheldon
Sheldon: Toy.
Meemaw: Toy.
Sheldon: Taxidermy.
Meemaw: Taxidermy. Toy?
Teddy Bear: [music plays] Hi. My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends?
Sheldon: Nightmare.
Meemaw: I'll start a new box.
Quote from Sheldon
Mary: What's he doing here?
Sheldon: Meemaw's letting me organize everything.
Mary: You're farming out your community service to my son?
Meemaw: How about thanks for getting him to the church?
Mary: [exhales] Come on, Sheldon, we're going home.
Sheldon: But I haven't even started on the hats yet. There's so many different kinds. Baseball, cowboy, hard...
Mary: Now. [Sheldon groans]
Quote from Meemaw
Meemaw: What kind of community service are we talking about? I can't be up there on the interstate picking up trash with some winos.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Well, there are other options.
Meemaw: Hit me.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: How about Habitat for Humanity? Build some poor soul a home.
Meemaw: The tornado blew mine to smithereens. How about some do-gooder build me a home?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Moving on. [sighs] You own a hazmat suit?
Meemaw: What? Why-why?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: There's a sewage pipe under the hepatitis clinic with your name on it.
Meemaw: Let's keep thinking.
Quote from Meemaw
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Well, we got... animal shelters, libraries, churches...
Meemaw: Ooh. Is that any church?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Yeah. As long as they sign off on your hours.
Meemaw: Oh, I like where this is heading.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Why?
Meemaw: A good Christian woman always is eager to serve.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: A Christian woman who ran a backroom casino?
Meemaw: Hey, God forgave me, maybe you should, too.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Do you understand I have the power to throw you in jail?
Meemaw: To be honest, I did not.
Quote from Mary
Meemaw: Look, I got to knock out my community service, and they say I can do it at the church.
Mary: That's great. We'd love to have you.
Meemaw: Or you could just fill out my timesheets and we would be done with the whole thing. Easy peasy.
Mary: I'm not lying for you. That's a sin.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. 180 hours at my age? Who knows if I've even got that much time left.
Mary: Well, then it's a good thing that we're gonna get to spend so much of it together.
Quote from Pastor Jeff
Pastor Jeff: Mary, the racoons got into the communion wafers again.
Quote from Meemaw
Pastor Jeff: Hey, Connie. Didn't know you were here.
Meemaw: I'm just here to help out.
Pastor Jeff: That's so nice.
Mary: Well, it's her community service for being arrested.
Meemaw: Still nice.
Pastor Jeff: Well, the big guy appreciates it.
Mary: He'd really appreciate it if she actually did something.
Meemaw: Why are you like this? I raised you to be cool.
Mary: I am plenty cool.