Pastor Jeff: Well, I've already confiscated a can of shaving cream, a box of stink bombs and a PG- movie.
Mary: What was the movie?
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing. Which is redundant because all dancing's dirty.
Mary: Well, I guess it's good we got some eyes on the inside.
[When Mary and Jeff look over at Sheldon, who is pretending to read a book, he subtly nods]

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

Billy Sparks: I've seen this before. They're big now, but they're gonna get small.
Missy: Yeah. It's called Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Billy Sparks: [whispers] If you get scared, I'm here.
Missy: Terrific.

Sheldon: Wil Wheaton plays Wesley Crusher. He's a child prodigy who's very young to be on the bridge of a Galaxy-class starship.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: But he's so intelligent that most people come to rely on him.
Missy: Okay.
Sheldon: Sounds kind of familiar, huh?
Missy: Okay.

George Jr.: You know one of the best things about working here? I always smell like dryer sheets.
Mandy: Is that a good thing?
George Jr.: Compared to how I used to smell, yeah.