George: Ooh, what do you got there? New TV?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
George: Ooh. Trinitron. That's pricey.
Pastor Jeff: There was a sale.
George: Where?
Pastor Jeff: I don't know, my wife bought it. Probably with coupons.
George: You lucky duck.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. [George chuckles] He doth provide.
George: I guess so. How big is it?
Pastor Jeff: I don't really know.
George: Well... it says 27 inches on the box.
Pastor Jeff: [forced laughter] 27.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, now our next baptism is for Sheldon Lee Cooper, our soon-to-be brother in Christ. And, personally, this is a big get for me.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Peg: Cop a squat. Pastor Jeff: Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]

Mary: Too bad. We are going.
Sheldon: Class is starting tomorrow. I'm not going anywhere.
Mary: Sheldon, do not argue with me. You are going home.
Sheldon: Mom, the people of Germany are obsessed with rules and devoid of humor. I am home.

Mary: Shelly, sit down.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Just sit. [sighs] I don't know how else to say this other than just to say it. [exhales] We have to go home.
Sheldon: Oh, no, who did Germany invade now?

Missy: You made fun of her for not having the right insurance?
Dale: It was a joke. The only thing I got wrong was the timing. If I said it two or three years later, everybody's laughing their ass off.