Mary: What did you do?
Meemaw: Okay, now, before I answer that-
Mary: Just tell me what you did.
Meemaw: I got a DWI.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: It's not as bad as it sounds.
Mary: How is driving drunk not bad?
Meemaw: I wasn't exactly driving.
Mary: I don't follow.
Meemaw: I was at the dog track with Georgie, and I had a few-
Mary: Georgie?

Meemaw: I didn't want Georgie to get into trouble, so I got behind the wheel before the cop walked up. And then I got arrested, and, uh, he bailed me out.
Mary: So you all thought you should keep this from me?
Georgie: Yes.
George: Absolutely.
Meemaw: 100%.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, some colleagues of mine at the university are doing a research study on twins. I told them about Sheldon and his sister, and they were most intrigued.
George: Uh, what kind of study?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's a longitudinal investigation of environmental and genetic factors in the development of cognitive and other capacities in pairs of fraternal and identical twins.
Meemaw: You asked.

George: Well, geez, I don't I don't know if I want some scientists pokin' and proddin' the kids.
Meemaw: Oh, but they wouldn't be poked and prodded. They just have to, you know, answer some questions.
Dr. John Sturgis: And maybe some puzzles and tests.
George: That's not too bad. Where is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Houston.
George: Oh, it just got bad. That's that's a long drive.
Dr. John Sturgis: It does pay $50 an hour plus gas and expenses.
George: Really?
Meemaw: I told you to start with that.

Mary: Well, to be perfectly honest, Sheldon has always avoided children his own age.
George: Tell 'em about temper tantrums.
Mary: They're not temper tantrums, he just has strong opinions.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] Yeah, like when you yell and stomp your feet, and slam the door off its hinge. They're scientists. You can't trick 'em.

Mary: Dad's clothes, his shoes, his pipes?
Meemaw: Honey, it's just stuff. I know, but still I get how you're feeling. I do. Now go away. I got a lot of crap to sell.

Meemaw: Excuse me. Is there a monster on that screen?
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am.
Meemaw: And can two players swing the magic sword?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: So what does that mean as we go forward?
Sheldon: I have to shut my yap.
Meemaw: Attaboy.
Sheldon: Can I still have a panic attack?
Meemaw: If you do it quietly.

Meemaw: Hello?
Sheldon: Meemaw. I'm sorry for waking you, but I know how to kill the cyclops. We have to play the piccolo.
Meemaw: Ooh. What a great idea, moonpie. We'll try it tomorrow.
Sheldon: Excellent. Wait, how'd you answer your phone so fast? It's not next to your bed.
Meemaw: Uh, well, actually, I was on my way to the bathroom. You know us old people and our bladders.

Meemaw: Binoculars for his birthday. What was I thinking?

Meemaw: What do you think of these?
Mary: They're nice, but you're already taller than John. Won't they make that worse?
Meemaw: No, makes it better. He likes me to be dominating.
Mary: I don't want to hear that.
Meemaw: Sometimes he makes me wear these when we're messing around.
Mary: I said I don't want to hear it.
Meemaw: I wanted to say it.

Missy: How about you stay at Meemaw's? You like that.
Meemaw: No, Meemaw has a date.
Missy: So?
Meemaw: So if those shoes I just bought do their job, that will be a "no children allowed" scenario.

Missy: That's my mom?
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] Yep, the little queen of darkness.
Missy: Is she smoking a cigarette?
Meemaw: Yep. Probably stole it from me.
Missy: When did she stop being cool?
Meemaw: Well, first of all, smoking is not cool.
Missy: You do it.
Meemaw: Yeah, well, next time I'm hocking up some black goo out of my lung, I'll call you over and you can see how cool it is.
Missy: Awesome.
Meemaw: It is not awesome.

Meemaw: Your takeaway should be that you are the reason she's such a good mom, which she is. And the next time you hurt her feelings - which you will - you might remember how much you mean to her.
Missy: Now I feel bad.
Meemaw: [Meemaw hugs Missy] Good.

Dr. John Sturgis: I think I'm losing a step.
Meemaw: You're not alone. The other night I had bingo for five moves, didn't even know it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Were you drinking?
Meemaw: It's bingo, of course I was drinking. Don't worry about it. We'll lose a step together.

Meemaw: How many is that?
Sheldon: 13.
Meemaw: A baker's dozen. What do you say we pack up and head outta here?