Officer Rhonda Thomason: So the terms of your probation require you to do 180 hours of community service. And you're currently sitting at... zero.
Meemaw: Not true. I've been reading to the elderly.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Oh. Where at?
Meemaw: Chi-Chi's. My boyfriend forgot his glasses, so I read him the menu. [laughs]
Officer Rhonda Thomason: This is a joke to you.
Meemaw: Well, I was hoping.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You think putting on this act is gonna get you a lighter sentence?
Meemaw: Act? What act?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Look at my nose.
Meemaw: Okay...
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You know what this nose can do? It can smell bull-pucky from two counties over. And you know what it's smelling right now? A big, steamy pile.

Mary: Mom, can you make the salad?
Meemaw: Sure.
George: Hey, don't put in any of those little tomatoes.
Meemaw: Hey, I don't tell you how to impersonate a lump of clay. You don't tell me how to make a salad.

Georgie: Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?
George: That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.
Georgie: Come on. We all know I'm your favorite.
Meemaw: You're not even his third favorite.

Meemaw: I know this is hard for everyone. It's certainly hard for me. But no one... is more upset with George's passing than the Lone Star Beer company. That flag is at half-mast. [laughter] On the other hand, there's a lot of cows out there that are breathing a sigh of relief. As the king of brisket has put down his fork and ridden off into the sunset. [laughter] And, uh, I'll tell you something...
Missy: Why are they laughing at Dad?
Georgie: 'Cause they love him.
Meemaw: ...that I always kind of kept to myself, but... I wasn't always a big supporter of George and Mary being an item. As a matter of fact, whenever he came to visit, I would always invite Mary's slutty friend Janice over, hoping to catch his interest. [laughter] Hey, Janice. Thanks for coming. You're a doll. [Dale looks back] Anyway... George only had eyes for Mary. And of course brisket. [laughter] And over the years, he surely earned my respect. He was a good man. [voice breaking] And I will always be proud... to call him my son.

Meemaw: [knocks] Hi, I'm Connie Tucker. I'm supposed to be reporting to my probation officer?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You found her. Come on in.
[Meemaw moves slowly into the room with the aid of a crutch.]
Meemaw: Sorry I'm a little late. Not moving very fast today. Oof.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Weren't you arrested running from the police?
Meemaw: Well, I have my good days.

Missy: Are we done?
Mary: What's your hurry?
Missy: It's paternity test day on Ricki Lake and I'm missing it.
Sheldon: If people paid more attention of what belongs where, there'd be no need for paternity tests.

Sheldon: That doesn't go there.
Missy: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Canned beans next to jarred preserves?
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: I care.
Missy: Well, no one cares that you care.
Sheldon: I'm someone. And I care that I care. And I care that I care that I care.