Mary: All right, that's enough about the brisket. You kids excited for the church picnic tomorrow?
George Jr.: Not really.
Missy: I don't know.
Mary: Oh, come on. You all saw the flier. The three "F"s: food, fun and fellowship.

Missy: I thought Dad was coming.
Mary: No, he had work to do.
Missy: What kind of work?
Mary: I don't know. Coaching stuff.
Missy: Can't he do it after the picnic?
Mary: No, Missy, he cannot.
Missy: Why not?
Mary: Enough.

Sheldon: Are you and Dad getting a divorce?
Mary: 'Course not.
Sheldon: Well, if you do, I want to live with you.
Mary: Sheldon, no one's getting a divorce. But thank you, honey.

Mary: Just so you know, Sheldon and Missy won the three-legged race because she told him a bee was chasing them, and you missed it.

George Sr.: I'm sorry, I-I just needed a break from your mother.
Mary: Yeah, well, you took a break from your family. How long is this feud between you two gonna go on?
George Sr.: That's up to her.
Mary: You are both such stubborn donkey butts! [Missy laughing] Missy, go to bed!
Missy: You don't know it's me.

[in bed together]
George Sr.: Hot damn!
Mary: George, language!

Mary: I know you like to just keep driving, and get where you're going, but you can't ignore his bathroom schedule.
George Sr.: I know.
Mary: He goes number one first thing in the morning, then again in the afternoon, once more in the late afternoon, say 4:00/4:30, depending on his juice intake, and then, a quick piddle before bedtime.
George Sr.: "Piddle". Got it.
Mary: Now, number two's a little trickier.

George Sr.: Mary? Relax. I can take care of my son.
Mary: I know.
George Sr.: Good.
Mary: I'm just saying, if he's upset or nervous, he can get all clogged up.
George Sr.: I won't let that happen.

Mary: I don't like you making me out to be the bad guy just 'cause I won't let my daughter do whatever she wants.
Meemaw: I gave you a lot of freedom, you turned out okay.
Mary: You didn't give me freedom. You were never around.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Mary: I guarantee I made supper for Charlene and Edward more times than you ever did. I basically raised 'em.
Meemaw: You think I was out dancing? I was out working two jobs so your daddy could lose all our money on that damn chain of Fotomats!
Mary: It wasn't Daddy's fault that those little things blew over every time there was a storm.

Meemaw: You ready to finish our conversation?
Mary: There's nothing to finish. I raised myself like a jungle child. End of story.

Mary: Did you hear that?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: Sounds like Georgie and Sheldon are getting along.
George Sr.: Really? That can't be right.
Mary: I just heard it.
George Sr.: Maybe there's hope for those two after all.
Mary: Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You're making it out like they were some kind of monsters. Sheldon has his own room. There's books everywhere. Even has a big old backyard he won't play in.
Mary: Aren't you forgetting somethin'?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: The underground laboratory.
George Sr.: I think it's called a finished basement, honey.
Mary: I know what I saw.

Mary: Hey, guys, I brought snacks.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?
Sheldon: Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.
Mary: Oh.
Sheldon: We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.
Mary: And is this the devil?
Tam: No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.
Mary: Oh, I see. Yes, oh, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he? Okay, well You kids have fun.

Mary: Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary: What's this, now?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.

Mary: Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.
Sheldon: Love it.
Mary: But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.
Sheldon: That's called monotheism. I have a book about it if you're interested.
Mary: That's okay, I have the book about it.
Sheldon: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

Mary: It doesn't matter, Sheldon. We can't afford a computer.
Sheldon: Sure we can. It's only $998, and Dave says we can buy it on easy monthly payments.
Dave: That's true.
Mary: Stay out of this, Dave. Come on. We got to get home.
Sheldon: But-
Mary: Sheldon, I said no.
Dave: I can make you a good deal on the floor model, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Seriously, Dave, you're getting on my nerves.

George Sr.: I'm guessing we're not having our once-a-week.
Mary: Sorry, I only have relations with gentlemen I like.

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You know how I feel about your mother meddlin' in our finances.
Mary: She wasn't meddlin', she was offering to help. And that computer is not some silly toy. Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to organize my recipes.
George Sr.: You already got 'em organized on those little cards.
Mary: Yeah, like a cave person.