Missy: We have to go to school, and Sheldon doesn't? That's not fair.
Mary: Sure it is. Sheldon loves school and can't go. You hate school and have to. Fair.

Meemaw: Look at that. St. Mary drinking alcohol.
Mary: God saw what just happened. He gets it.

Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: Sing it again, Mom.
Mary: First, blow your nose.
Sheldon: [blows nose]
Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Mary: It doesn't matter, Sheldon. We can't afford a computer.
Sheldon: Sure we can. It's only $998, and Dave says we can buy it on easy monthly payments.
Dave: That's true.
Mary: Stay out of this, Dave. Come on. We got to get home.
Sheldon: But-
Mary: Sheldon, I said no.
Dave: I can make you a good deal on the floor model, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Seriously, Dave, you're getting on my nerves.

George Sr.: I'm guessing we're not having our once-a-week.
Mary: Sorry, I only have relations with gentlemen I like.

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You know how I feel about your mother meddlin' in our finances.
Mary: She wasn't meddlin', she was offering to help. And that computer is not some silly toy. Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to organize my recipes.
George Sr.: You already got 'em organized on those little cards.
Mary: Yeah, like a cave person.

George Sr.: We can't afford it, end of story.
Mary: Not exactly end of story.
George Sr.: What's that mean?
Mary: I've been setting money aside the last couple of years, and this might be a good use for it.
George Sr.: Money from what?
Mary: You know, here and there. Bookkeeping for the church, some seamstress work, birthday money from my Aunt Zelda.
George Sr.: And just how much of this "here and there" money you got saved up?
Mary: Well, seeing as it's my money, I don't think that's any of your business.
George Sr.: None of my business? You see every nickel I make, and you got secret money?
Mary: It's not secret. I just told you.
George Sr.: Where you hiding it?
Mary: Well, now you're headed into secret territory.

George Sr.: I'm glad we're not having our once-a-week 'cause I am not in the mood.
Mary: Really? That's too bad.
George Sr.: Why? Are you?
Mary: No!
George Sr.: That was uncalled for.

Meemaw: What's he got in there?
Mary: Everything.

Mary: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You don't need to announce to people how things smell.

Mary: These home computers are amazing. I could start a real bookkeeping business with that thing.
Meemaw: And that would go a long way to giving you the financial independence you're looking for.
Mary: Darn tootin'.

Mary: Hey, guys, I brought snacks.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: What are y'all playing, Chutes and Ladders?
Sheldon: Tam is teaching us Dungeons & Dragons.
Mary: Oh.
Sheldon: We're on a quest to find the pitchfork of a devil named Baalzebul.
Billy Sparks: I'm Fire Beak.
Mary: And is this the devil?
Tam: No, he's just a monster who doesn't wear pants.
Mary: Oh, I see. Yes, oh, he's just hanging right out there, isn't he? Okay, well You kids have fun.

Mary: Shelly, I'm so happy you're taking an interest in religion.
Sheldon: I am. And I've decided to explore other religions, too.
Mary: What's this, now?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff encouraged me to approach religion scientifically, so it only makes sense to enlarge my database.
Mary: No, your database is Baptist. That's all the data you need. Baptist data.

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.

Mary: Shelly, I understand you enjoy researching things.
Sheldon: Love it.
Mary: But it's important to keep in mind that there is only one true God.
Sheldon: That's called monotheism. I have a book about it if you're interested.
Mary: That's okay, I have the book about it.
Sheldon: Would you be angry with me if I don't pick your religion?
Mary: I could never be angry with you. You be a seeker of your own truth.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
Mary: And if the truth turns out to be Satan, I will do battle with him.

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You're making it out like they were some kind of monsters. Sheldon has his own room. There's books everywhere. Even has a big old backyard he won't play in.
Mary: Aren't you forgetting somethin'?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: The underground laboratory.
George Sr.: I think it's called a finished basement, honey.
Mary: I know what I saw.

Mary: Did you hear that?
George Sr.: What?
Mary: Sounds like Georgie and Sheldon are getting along.
George Sr.: Really? That can't be right.
Mary: I just heard it.
George Sr.: Maybe there's hope for those two after all.
Mary: Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Mary: I know you like to just keep driving, and get where you're going, but you can't ignore his bathroom schedule.
George Sr.: I know.
Mary: He goes number one first thing in the morning, then again in the afternoon, once more in the late afternoon, say 4:00/4:30, depending on his juice intake, and then, a quick piddle before bedtime.
George Sr.: "Piddle". Got it.
Mary: Now, number two's a little trickier.

George Sr.: Mary? Relax. I can take care of my son.
Mary: I know.
George Sr.: Good.
Mary: I'm just saying, if he's upset or nervous, he can get all clogged up.
George Sr.: I won't let that happen.