Mary Quotes
Quote from the episode A Solo Peanut, a Social Butterfly and the Truth
Mandy: I can't believe you lied to me.
George Jr.: Only 'cause I like you.
Mandy: Get out.
George Jr.: Come on, I'm the same guy I was five minutes ago.
Mandy: Yeah, a liar.
George Jr.: You lied to me about your age.
Mandy: Yeah, and then I felt really bad about it, and I told you the truth.
George Jr.: 'Cause you're more mature than me.
Mandy: Go.
George Jr.: Can I at least put on my shoes?
Mandy: No.
Quote from the episode A Solo Peanut, a Social Butterfly and the Truth
Mary: Let's just eat.
Sheldon: Without praying?
Mary: [chuckles] How silly of me.
George Sr.: You all right?
Meemaw: Well, she's had a whole beer, so who knows.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Can we just pray? [sighs] Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it. And forgive me for that beer. My mother made me do it. Amen.
Meemaw: Snitch.
Quote from the episode A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car
Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
Mary: Who said you could go to Fort Davis?
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer.
Mary: Well, I didn't say you could go.
Sheldon: It's fine. I'll be with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: For how long?
Sheldon: Three days.
Mary: And they're okay with this?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't they be?
Mary: No reason.
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Mary: [praying] Dear Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have finished that scratcher. That was wrong. But now that I have the money, my family could really use it. I know. Gambling is a sin. Although, I didn't buy the scratcher, so is that even gambling?
George Sr.: Why is Missy saying we're rich?
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
George Sr.: This is yours. And if you don't feel right spending it, then you should do whatever you want with it.
Mary: Thank you. You know, I've been thinking that maybe it isn't the end of the world if we spend it on something fun.
George Sr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah, something the family could enjoy.
George Sr.: Well... we haven't been on vacation in a long time.
Mary: Oh... Oh. [gasps] We could go to Houston, see the Ice Capades.
George Sr.: Let's keep thinking.
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Mary: $20 on pump four, please.
Hal: You got it. Here you go.
Mary: What's this?
Hal: Promotion for the new lottery. Every ten gallons, you get a free scratcher.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe in gambling.
Hal: Great, I'll take it.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe you should be gambling, either.
Hal: So, you don't want it?
Mary: No.
Hal: Then I'm scratching it.
Mary: Sorry. Not on my watch. You can thank me in heaven.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Missy: All my friends dress like this.
Mary: Arms by your sides. I want to measure. [Missy sighs] See? It's shorter than your fingertips.
Meemaw: What the hell is happening?
Missy: She wants to ruin my life.
Mary: The school dress code says that all bottoms must extend past the fingertips.
Missy: It's close enough, and they don't even check.
Mary: Well, I am not wasting good money on something that you can't wear to school.
Missy: Then I'll wear it on weekends.
Mary: Go try on something else.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Mary: What is your problem?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter.
Mary: Hey. [sighs] If something is going on, tell me.
George Sr.: [sighs] They're coming after me at work.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: The boosters. They want a new coach.
Mary: Are you getting fired?
George Sr.: I don't know. Maybe. Don't you have to go?
Mary: [hugs George] I'm sorry.
George Sr.: [sniffles] Thank you.
Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender
Sheldon: [on the phone] Mom, can I please be picked up later?
Mary: No. Your meemaw's already on her way.
Sheldon: But the people next door want me to try an egg roll.
Mary: What people? Don't take food from strangers.
Sheldon: They're not strangers. They're Oscar and Darren.
Mary: Well, they're strangers to me.
Sheldon: Well, maybe when Meemaw gets here, she can wait in the car for a few hours.
Mary: That is not happening, and you know it.
Sheldon: Can we at least have Chinese food for dinner?
Mary: I'm making Rice-A-Roni. Does that count?
Sheldon: Nothing Chinese ends in "a-roni."
Mary: Well, their loss.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Mr. Lundy: Attagirl! They've already seen the before. Let's show 'em the after. Here. Try this.
Mary: That's awfully red.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly. And when you see red, what comes to your mind?
Mary: Satan.
Mr. Lundy: Glamour. Sex appeal, a little va-va-voom!
Mary: I don't know.
Mr. Lundy: You are not just selling makeup. You are selling power, you are selling confidence, and that starts right here. Now are you a powerful, confident woman?
Mary: Yes.
Mr. Lundy: Slather this on. Let's try again.
[later:]
Mr. Lundy: Somebody call highway patrol. This billboard is causing accidents.
Mary: Really?
Mr. Lundy: You had the va, then you got another va, now you got the voom. Sell me some makeup.
Mary: Hello there.
Mr. Lundy: Now I'm listening.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
[dream sequence:]
Mary: What the heck?
Reflection Mary: [in mirror] You think you can just wash me away?
Mary: Yes, I used the gentle cleansing cream formula one with special emollients.
Reflection Mary: Exploiting your Bible study group, that was just the beginning.
Mary: I wouldn't say I exploited them.
Reflection Mary: Good, don't. It'll be our little secret. [Mary scoffs] Now, where are we with Missy?
Mary: You leave Missy alone.
Reflection Missy: [in mirror] Mom, help. I can't get out.
Mary: Missy!
Reflection Mr. Lundy: [in cabinet] Why are you sleeping?! You should be selling!
[Mary wakes up in bed]
Adult Sheldon: My mother never sold makeup again. And as Mr. Lundy predicted, Missy got her makeup from her friends.
Missy: My eye feels oozy.
Mary: What's the matter, baby? Oh.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Mary: So, today I thought maybe we'd mix things up a little bit, and do some reading from Esther.
Betty: I don't think I've ever read Esther.
Mary: Oh, you are in for a treat. There is some good stuff in here. Let us open our Bibles to, uh, chapter two, verse 12. "Before a young woman's turn came to go into King Xerxes, she had to complete 12 months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women: six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics." Did anyone else realize that cosmetics were right here in the Bible? I just find that fascinating.
Betty: Uh, well, t-this next verse talks about her being a concubine.
Mary: Hey, hey, don't skip ahead. We're still talking cosmetics. Did you know that Esther used her beauty to stop a genocide?
Ann: Really?
Mary: Sometimes, I think we forget how powerful beauty can be. But I know I sure feel powerful when I'm wearing this new line of Mary Kay cosmetics. Take a gander, ladies.
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
Mary: Esther would be so proud. This is a face that would stop the spilling of blood.
Ann: You think?
Mary: I do. Now, if you order the starter package today, I will throw in the spring palette.
Ann: Sold.
Mary: Oh, praise the Lord. Now who's next?
Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance
George Sr.: Sales is a tough racket, Mare.
George Jr.: Yeah. It ain't as easy as I make it look.
Mary: Well, I think I'd be good at it.
George Jr.: You sure? Sometimes you got to do a little fibbin'.
Mary: I would do it without that.
George Jr.: And you got to have people skills.
Mary: I have people skills.
George Jr.: Do you?
Mary: I'd like to throw my dinner roll at your head right now, but you don't see me doing it.
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Pastor Rob: Question. Y'all ever had a youth lock-in?
Mary: Oh. No. Whenever we talk about it, Pastor Jeff shoots it down.
Pastor Rob: Why? Kids love sleepovers. Doing it here shows them church can be fun.
Mary: I don't know. The Methodists did it last year. They're still cleaning up Silly String.
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Mary: It was a long time ago.
Pastor Rob: How long?
Mary: Not that long. [chuckles]
Pastor Rob: Okay, I got a confession to make. Me, too.
Mary: [gasps softly] When?
Pastor Rob: Well, when I first started this job.
Mary: Oh!
Pastor Rob: Yeah, I was pretty stressed-out.
Mary: [chuckles] You wouldn't have known it.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Thank you. When was your last one?
Mary: Wednesday.
Pastor Rob: Wow.
Mary: I was having a hard time with the kids.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] You know, there's lighters in here, too.
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Mary: This is wrong, right?
Pastor Rob: You mean how much we're enjoying it?
Mary: Yes. [both laugh]
Pastor Rob: Well, that's the nice thing about being Christian. We can always ask for forgiveness.
Mary: You have to really mean it.
Pastor Rob: Trust me, when I wake up with this taste in my mouth, I'll mean it. [chuckles]
Mary: I guess it reminds me of being young.
Pastor Rob: Hmm. [Mary chuckles] You remember your first cigarette?
Mary: Eighth grade. I snuck it out of my mom's purse. [chuckles] Ugh, menthol.
Pastor Rob: Ooh. [both chuckle]
Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit
Pastor Rob: Hey, you want to chaperone with me?
Mary: Oh. Uh... I don't know.
Pastor Rob: Come on. We'll pull an all-nighter. It'll be fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, Mary. Don't be such a lame-o. [Rob chuckles]
Mary: I'm not a lame-o. I'm a fun-o.
Pastor Jeff: So you're in?
Mary: You betcha.
Pastor Rob: All right. Fun-o is in. We got ourselves a lock-in to plan.
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