Mary: Lord, look after my son. Don't let him get stuffed in a gym bag.

Sheldon: Hey, mom, look. That girl's pregnant.
Mary: Congratulations.

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: [turns around] What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Mary: That's enough. No one's adopted.
Missy: I wish I was.
Mary: That can still be arranged.

Sheldon: I'll go with you, Mom.
Missy: Why are you going? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: No, but I believe in Mom.
Mary: I'll take it.

Mary: What am I supposed to do? His feet are growing.
George Sr.: Why can't he wear Georgie's old shoes?
Mary: He won't hold your hand. You think he's gonna put his feet in his brother's smelly shoes?

Missy: Mom, Sheldon can't find his bow-tie.
Mary: Really? I laid it out for him.
George Sr.: Leave it alone, Mary. He doesn't need a bow-tie.
Mary: It's his first day of school. Let him wear what he wants.

Mary: And remember, if anybody bothers you, what do you say?
Sheldon: My dad's a football coach.
Mary: And?
Sheldon: My brother's a football player.
Mary: Good.

Mary: Okay, well You have a good day. And I'll pick you up after school, same door we came in.
Sheldon: Are you crying or having an allergy attack?
Mary: Allergies.
Sheldon: It's probably the ammonia.
Mary: Probably.

Principal Petersen: George, you got any thoughts here?
George Sr.: I certainly do. Mary, tell him.
Mary: It's simple. We don't have a choice.
Principal Petersen: Well, you gave it a shot. We wish you luck with Sheldon elsewhere-
Mary: No, no, no. We don't have a choice. He's got to stay here. We can't afford private school. I sure can't homeschool him. He's doing calculus and Euclidean something or other.
Ms. Ingram: Euclidean geometry. Guess where I learned that.
Mary: Yeah, yeah, we know.

Mary: All I care about is that my son gets the education he deserves, so you all are gonna have to figure this out.
Principal Petersen: Coach, can you help me out here, please? 'Cause I'm dyin'.
George Sr.: I'd rather not.

Mary: I'm gonna keep him company.
George Sr.: Hey, hey, hey, Mary. Mary, think this through. Right now the kids are just ignoring Sheldon. What happens if he's sitting with his mommy?
Mary: They could mistake me for a senior. ... Well, I look younger than you.

Mary: So your father tells me you've been reading a new book?
Sheldon: I am. It's about how to make friends.
Mary: Is that something you're interested in?
Sheldon: Not really, but Missy told me it makes you sad that I don't have any.
Mary: Oh. I got to sew that girl's mouth shut.

Mary: He made a friend! He did it! Our little boy has got a friend.
George Sr.: Who is it?
Mary: Who cares? It's a human being. It's a warm body.

Sheldon: Okay. It was just something I was hoping to do with my new friend.
Mary: Hang on. Uh, yes. It's fine. Ban is lifted.
George Sr.: Mary.
Mary: It's for his friend. He's got a friend. Besides, those could have been rats. Their bodies were so badly burned.

Mary: He's here! Everybody, stay calm! Just a normal day, just a normal dinner.

Mary: All right, Tam. I decided I was gonna make you a real Texas dinner. Barbecued chicken and brisket.
Tam: Thank you.
Mary: Well, I figured you were probably tired of stuff wiggling around on your plate.

Mary: Okay, let's say grace. Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus," feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.
Tam: I'm actually Catholic.
Mary: Oh! Well, that's too bad.

Mary: Thank you, God, for this food, and bless the hands that prepared it. And thank you so much for Sheldon's new friend.

Tam: When he was released, we escaped on a small boat and spent many weeks at sea dodging Cambodian pirates until we reached Thailand.
Mary: Oh, that's supposed to be a beautiful country. Lovely beaches.
Tam: I wouldn't know.