Pastor Jeff: Okay. Who is your favorite apostle and why?
Pastor Rob: Ooh. I'm-a say Judas.
Mary: What? How?
Pastor Rob: Well, for man to be redeemed, our Lord had to die. If Judas hadn't betrayed him, mankind wouldn't have been saved. Pretty cool.
Pastor Jeff: [exhales] I never thought about it like that.
Pastor Rob: Well, you know, when you come at things from unexpected angles, people pay attention more. It's what I hope to do with the kids.
Peg: [chuckles] Well, you got my attention.
Mary: Hold on. I'm not sure that we should be teaching the kids that Judas was cool.
Pastor Rob: Well, I just try to see everyone the way Jesus would.
Pastor Jeff: Preach.
Pastor Rob: No, no, that's your job. Look, I just want to get the kids excited about church. Think of me as the warm-up band before you hit the stage.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] I think we just found our new youth pastor.
Mary: Can we discuss this?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. When can you start?

Sheldon: How come you never mentioned she was coming to this class?
Dr. John Sturgis: I thought it would be a fun surprise.
Sheldon: I don't like surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Neither do I.
Sheldon: Then why did you do it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Some people like surprises.
Paige: I love surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you enjoy this one?
Paige: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: A 50% success rate. Not bad.

Sheldon: Good luck with your finger painting.
Missy: You're gonna get your ass kicked in high school.
Mary: (flicks Missy on the head) Hey!

Mary: Okay, let's say grace. Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus," feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.
Tam: I'm actually Catholic.
Mary: Oh! Well, that's too bad.

Sheldon: [knocking] Missy?
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Sometimes I imagine that I'm an ion with a positive charge and they're an ion with a negative charge. It's so that whatever they say bounces off me and sticks to them.

Mary: Now, the thing you have to understand is Shelly is incredibly bright. I mean, his IQ is right up there with Albert Einstein and that English wheelchair fella.

Missy: Why can't we watch Duck Tales?
Sheldon: Because we don't learn anything.
Missy: It's TV! We aren't supposed to learn.

George Sr.: I got fired, Sheldon. And I got a bad reputation.

Paige: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Paige: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Chemistry homework for extra credit.
Paige: Cute, I did that last year.

Sheldon: Oh, I couldn't tell you how much to give. But I can tell you the Stuckeys stepped up for a thousand dollars. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, you need to give what's comfortable for you. And of course, I don't need to remind you, it's entirely tax deductible. [Missy whispers in Sheldon's ear] And at the next pancake breakfast, you can hold your head high. Thank you.
That's very generous. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] The pancake line closed it.
Missy: We are so going to heaven.

Mary: God, please give me the strength to not spread this juicy gossip about Pastor Jeff.

Adult Sheldon: The addition of Libby brought a level of sophistication to our lunchtime discussion.
Her mom also packed extra string cheese, which is a well-known social lubricant.

Mary: Aw, baby, everything all right?
George Jr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Mary: You might feel better if you do. Is it about a girl?
George Jr.: How do you know?
Mary: Sometimes a mother can sense these things.

Sheldon: I was thinking about the mass problem of your neutrinos, and I realized we might be able to solve it if some of the particles have more spin.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting. That would certainly get our neutrino mass to zero. Although it does open up a problem with double beta decay.
Sheldon: Hmm. That is true. Unless what it's actually predicting is a magnetic monopole.
Dr. John Sturgis: Might be difficult to control the infinities. Although, if you consider adding faster-than-light particles like tachyons, then I suppose you could...
Sheldon: Quantize time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes! Hang on! If we're gonna be thinking at this level, I should put on pants!

Mary: Hey, what you reading?
Missy: A magazine.
Mary: Oh. Making a collage for school?
Missy: No, just reading it.
Mary: Look at that. Maybe Sheldon isn't the only bookworm around here. Which magazine?
Missy: Cosmopolitan.
Mary: What?
Missy: It's a magazine for today's woman. [Mary takes the magazine] Hey! I was about to find out what turns a man on.

Meemaw: You know, if I had something in my room she might disapprove of, I might be looking for a real good hiding place right about now.
George Jr.: I think I'm okay.
Missy: Your air vent? [Georgie rushes back to his room]

Sheldon: I'm ready to go to college.
Mrs. Costello: Okay. Where you thinking?
Sheldon: Somewhere with a good science program, but far enough away to make my mom cry herself to sleep every night that I'm gone.
Mrs. Costello: You're applying to college out of spite?
Sheldon: I see why you're the guidance counselor.

Mary: Oh, thank you, Lord, for connecting us with the parents of another special child. [Mary sees Georgie and Missy sitting on the couch] You kids are special, too.
George Jr.: Do you feel special?
Missy: At least I'm the only daughter. You got nothing.

Tam: Since when do you drink coffee?
Sheldon: I don't, but this job is killing me. You wouldn't understand.
Tam: You realize I have a job.
Sheldon: At your parents' convenience store? That doesn't count.
Tam: Why not?
Sheldon: You get to sit at a cash register and have the fun of doing math.
Tam: Actually, the cash register tells you how much change to give.
Sheldon: Oh. That's too bad.

George Sr.: Hang on. What did you think was gonna happen when we sent him to high school?
Mary: I don't know, that he'd learn stuff, and then, come back home and be my baby forever.
George Sr.: Mare, it's good for him. He may start college in a couple years, what happens then?
Mary: Off the top of my head, he and I share a dorm room.
George Sr.: You know I'd laugh at that if I didn't kind of believe you.