Meemaw: I have only seen you eat vanilla ice cream for dessert. Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I've taken a page from the great physicist Richard Feynman. In order to have one less decision in his life, he decided that dessert would always be chocolate ice cream.
Meemaw: Sounds like it could get kind of boring.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it does. But over the last 35 years, I believe I've saved at least a day and a half.

Meemaw: Well, you have to let me cook for you sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I enjoy cooking for you. It's a means of expressing my affection. It also allows me to control the amount of garlic, which gives me the burps.
Meemaw: Well, I do make a mean barbecue, and I promise I can make it garlic-free.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Next time, you can express your affection for me.

Sheldon: Missy said that Meemaw is upset at Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Don't worry, she'll get over it.
Sheldon: The question is will she get over it by Friday at 4:00 p.m.? That's when we leave for my class.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly.
Sheldon: I suppose she could drop me off outside. Where are we on me walking through parking lots alone these days?
Mary: How about this? Um, until she's up to it, I'll take you.
Sheldon: Thanks. The parking lot still gives me the willies.

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Missy: How about a movie?
Sheldon: How about the planetarium? That's like a movie, where you can see real stars instead of, I don't know, Gene Kelly?
Missy: We're never gonna agree. Let's just do rock, paper, scissors.
Sheldon: No. Anecdotal evidence suggests that players familiar with each other will tie 75% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes.
Missy: Well, what if we added a few more choices? Like, rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony.
Sheldon: Now you're just being silly.

Sheldon: Missy! You gave me your yips.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: I froze on a test. That's never happened before. It's all your fault.
Missy: I told you it's not contagious.
Sheldon: You put the thought in my head. The power of suggestion is very real. Case in point: tulip mania.
Missy: Here we go.
Sheldon: Tulip mania was an insane desire to buy and trade tulip bulbs in the 1600s. It nearly ruined the Dutch economy. You would not believe the gilders they were spending.

Coach Wilkins: I didn't see your kid at practice today. Everything all right?
George Sr.: Not really. ... That's it? You're not gonna ask me what's going on?
Coach Wilkins: I just did. You shut me out.
George Sr.: Well, it doesn't mean you can't persist a little.
Coach Wilkins: You know, this is the kind of crap I get from my wife. I do not need it from you.
George Sr.: Sorry. [SNIFFLES] You're really not gonna ask?

Adult Sheldon: Since I no longer had a college class with Dr. Sturgis to stoke my intellectual fire, I needed to find someone else who was up to the task of being my mentor. A great mind. A once-in-a-generation thinker. Fortunately, my schedule was wide open.
Sheldon: School's in session.

George Sr.: [plunging] Maybe I'm being punished. Maybe I'm a bad person. That went in my mouth.

Pastor Jeff: What do you think?
Mary: How handsome! I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Meemaw: Excuse me. Is there a monster on that screen?
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am.
Meemaw: And can two players swing the magic sword?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: So what does that mean as we go forward?
Sheldon: I have to shut my yap.
Meemaw: Attaboy.
Sheldon: Can I still have a panic attack?
Meemaw: If you do it quietly.

Sheldon: Ew. Georgie, put your shoes back on!
George Jr.: He can't smell this.
Sheldon: Yes, I can!

Mary: Why aren't you eating, Sheldon?
Sheldon: How can I with that horrible noise?
Mary: What noise?
Sheldon: That irritating, high-pitched buzz.
George Jr.: I don't hear nothin'.
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Sheldon: How can you not?
Missy: Wait. I think I hear it.
Sheldon: You do?
Missy: Yeah. It's coming out of your face.

Sheldon: Can you explain why you didn't settle on a specific date for coffee with Dr. Sturgis?
Meemaw: Maybe another time.
Sheldon: Okay.

Mary: What were you even thinking?
Missy: I was thinking I look hot.
Mary: You know you're not allowed to wear makeup.
Missy: That's why I didn't tell you.
Mary: And who gave it to you? Heather B.? Heather M.?
Missy: Meemaw.
Mary: So your grandmother was okay with you looking like this in your school pictures?
Missy: If you don't believe me, ask her.
Mary: Oh, I'm going to.
Missy: Really?

George Jr.: Hi. I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat at the Waffle House? Not like a date. But as someone who recently had his heart broke, I think I could help.
Veronica: Who broke your heart?
George Jr.: You did.
Veronica: Oh. Yeah.
George Jr.: I'm just saying, I know what you're going through. So if you need a friend with a pocket full of waffle money.

Adult Sheldon: To say this first day was challenging would be an understatement. To say the rest of the week got better from there would be the kind of lie that sets pants on fire.

Meemaw: Binoculars for his birthday. What was I thinking?

Billy Sparks: Hey, Sheldon. You look sad.
Sheldon: I am.
Billy Sparks: Want an egg?

Sheldon: How come you never mentioned she was coming to this class?
Dr. John Sturgis: I thought it would be a fun surprise.
Sheldon: I don't like surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Neither do I.
Sheldon: Then why did you do it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Some people like surprises.
Paige: I love surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you enjoy this one?
Paige: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: A 50% success rate. Not bad.