Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

Sheldon: Meemaw got punched in the face because of me.
Mary: No, that wasn't because of you, and for the record, your meemaw gets punched in the face all the time.

George Sr.: All right. Everyone's upset, it's late. Maybe we should drop this for tonight?
Herschel Sparks: That's a good idea.
Mary: Okay. You just keep your dog away from my son.
George Sr.: There you go picking it up again.
Mary: I am sorry, but their dog broke into our home. Something he probably learned from your brother.
Brenda Sparks: How dare you.
Herschel Sparks: Okay, I think that's a good stopping point.

Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary: He still makes me stir it.

Mary: She can cut her own crusts off.

Mary: So, are you gonna see him again?
Meemaw: I don't know. He showed up at my house on a bike.
George Sr.: Like a Harley?
Meemaw: Like a Schwinn.
Mary: You mean a bike bike?
Meemaw: With a jingle bell on the handlebar and everything.
Mary: Well, that's kind of charming.
Meemaw: He doesn't know how to drive a car. Doesn't want to know.
Mary: Okay, a little less charming.

Mary: They're not gonna be back for a while. Go to bed.
Sheldon: I won't be able to sleep.
Mary: I'm not telling you to go to sleep, I'm telling you to go to bed.
Sheldon: You don't think they'll have relations tonight, do you?
Mary: Now I'm telling you to go to sleep.

George Sr.: So, did you understand any of it?
Mary: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.

Mary: And bless our appetites, both physical and spiritual, to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name.
George Jr.: What happened to "Bless the hands that prepared it"?
Mary: I thought I'd mix it up.
George Jr.: I miss the old one.
Missy: Me, too.
George Sr.: Yeah, what I like about the other one-
Mary: And bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

Mary: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!

George Jr.: What are you eating?
Sheldon: An English muffin with ketchup and spray cheese.
George Jr.: No fair.
Missy: Lucky.
Mary: Sorry I spent an hour making meatloaf.

Mary: I just realized something. College applications cost money just to send in.
Sheldon: They do?
Mary: $50, $60 a pop. I don't believe you have that kind of money, do you?

George Jr.: Mom, you need to sign this consent form.
Mary: What's it for?
George Jr.: Field trip.
Mary: Where?
George Jr.: Museum.
Mary: Which one?
George Jr.: Does it matter? It's not like I'm gonna learn anything, anyway.
Sheldon: It's the planetarium at the science museum. And I need you to sign mine, too.
Mary: Oh. It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy: And here we go.
Sheldon: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Confiscating your comic books. You can have them back when you're 18.
Sheldon: You're taking Casper the Friendly Ghost?
Mary: Ghosts are sacrilegious. Nothing friendly about that.

Mary: You know what? You want me to treat you like an adult, you got it. From this moment on, I am done mommy-ing you.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Does that mean I can have my comic books back?
Mary: Comic books are for children. You're an adult.

Mary: I don't understand why you'd even be interested in a book like that.
Sheldon: One of the characters is a scientist who worked on the Manhattan Project.
Mary: Well, it's filled with violence and nudity, and you are done looking at it.
Sheldon: But comics are a form of art. You wouldn't forbid me from looking at Michelangelo's David just because he's nude.
Mary: When a statue of your naked blue fella is on display at the Vatican, we'll talk.
Sheldon: Actually, David is at the Accademia Gallery in Florence.
Mary: Doesn't matter. I don't want you looking at his bottom either.

Mary: Excuse me. Did you sell this to my son?
Glenn: I don't know. Who's your son?
Mary: The little boy in the corner.
Glenn: Which one?
Mary: Sheldon Cooper.
Glenn: Oh. Yeah.
Mary: Look at him! He is the same size as one of the dolls you sell here.
Glenn: Those are action figures.

Sheldon: Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Mary: Oh, is that right? Well, guess what. I don't care. [to Glenn] And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.
Glenn: I doubt that.

Mary: I see that. But you understand that your daughter's being abusive to my son.
Brenda Sparks: Well, maybe your son needs to grow a pair.
Mary: And in due time, he will.

Brenda Sparks: You know what? I have been nothin' but nice to you and your family since the day y'all moved in, and I'm over it. Watching you walk around all holier than thou, like you're better than everyone else. Well, guess what, you're not.
Mary: I'm gonna pray for you!