Mandy: I can't believe you lied to me.
George Jr.: Only 'cause I like you.
Mandy: Get out.
George Jr.: Come on, I'm the same guy I was five minutes ago.
Mandy: Yeah, a liar.
George Jr.: You lied to me about your age.
Mandy: Yeah, and then I felt really bad about it, and I told you the truth.
George Jr.: 'Cause you're more mature than me.
Mandy: Go.
George Jr.: Can I at least put on my shoes?
Mandy: No.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Mary: Who said you could go to Fort Davis?
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer.
Mary: Well, I didn't say you could go.
Sheldon: It's fine. I'll be with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: For how long?
Sheldon: Three days.
Mary: And they're okay with this?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't they be?
Mary: No reason.

George Sr.: This is yours. And if you don't feel right spending it, then you should do whatever you want with it.
Mary: Thank you. You know, I've been thinking that maybe it isn't the end of the world if we spend it on something fun.
George Sr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah, something the family could enjoy.
George Sr.: Well... we haven't been on vacation in a long time.
Mary: Oh... Oh. [gasps] We could go to Houston, see the Ice Capades.
George Sr.: Let's keep thinking.

Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!

Mary: [praying] Dear Lord, please forgive me. I shouldn't have finished that scratcher. That was wrong. But now that I have the money, my family could really use it. I know. Gambling is a sin. Although, I didn't buy the scratcher, so is that even gambling?
George Sr.: Why is Missy saying we're rich?

Mary: $20 on pump four, please.
Hal: You got it. Here you go.
Mary: What's this?
Hal: Promotion for the new lottery. Every ten gallons, you get a free scratcher.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe in gambling.
Hal: Great, I'll take it.
Mary: Oh, I don't believe you should be gambling, either.
Hal: So, you don't want it?
Mary: No.
Hal: Then I'm scratching it.
Mary: Sorry. Not on my watch. You can thank me in heaven.

Mary: What is your problem?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter.
Mary: Hey. [sighs] If something is going on, tell me.
George Sr.: [sighs] They're coming after me at work.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: The boosters. They want a new coach.
Mary: Are you getting fired?
George Sr.: I don't know. Maybe. Don't you have to go?
Mary: [hugs George] I'm sorry.
George Sr.: [sniffles] Thank you.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Mom, can I please be picked up later?
Mary: No. Your meemaw's already on her way.
Sheldon: But the people next door want me to try an egg roll.
Mary: What people? Don't take food from strangers.
Sheldon: They're not strangers. They're Oscar and Darren.
Mary: Well, they're strangers to me.
Sheldon: Well, maybe when Meemaw gets here, she can wait in the car for a few hours.
Mary: That is not happening, and you know it.
Sheldon: Can we at least have Chinese food for dinner?
Mary: I'm making Rice-A-Roni. Does that count?
Sheldon: Nothing Chinese ends in "a-roni."
Mary: Well, their loss.

Missy: All my friends dress like this.
Mary: Arms by your sides. I want to measure. [Missy sighs] See? It's shorter than your fingertips.
Meemaw: What the hell is happening?
Missy: She wants to ruin my life.
Mary: The school dress code says that all bottoms must extend past the fingertips.
Missy: It's close enough, and they don't even check.
Mary: Well, I am not wasting good money on something that you can't wear to school.
Missy: Then I'll wear it on weekends.
Mary: Go try on something else.

[dream sequence:]
Mary: What the heck?
Reflection Mary: [in mirror] You think you can just wash me away?
Mary: Yes, I used the gentle cleansing cream formula one with special emollients.
Reflection Mary: Exploiting your Bible study group, that was just the beginning.
Mary: I wouldn't say I exploited them.
Reflection Mary: Good, don't. It'll be our little secret. [Mary scoffs] Now, where are we with Missy?
Mary: You leave Missy alone.
Reflection Missy: [in mirror] Mom, help. I can't get out.
Mary: Missy!
Reflection Mr. Lundy: [in cabinet] Why are you sleeping?! You should be selling!
[Mary wakes up in bed]
Adult Sheldon: My mother never sold makeup again. And as Mr. Lundy predicted, Missy got her makeup from her friends.
Missy: My eye feels oozy.
Mary: What's the matter, baby? Oh.

Mary: Esther would be so proud. This is a face that would stop the spilling of blood.
Ann: You think?
Mary: I do. Now, if you order the starter package today, I will throw in the spring palette.
Ann: Sold.
Mary: Oh, praise the Lord. Now who's next?

Mary: So, today I thought maybe we'd mix things up a little bit, and do some reading from Esther.
Betty: I don't think I've ever read Esther.
Mary: Oh, you are in for a treat. There is some good stuff in here. Let us open our Bibles to, uh, chapter two, verse 12. "Before a young woman's turn came to go into King Xerxes, she had to complete 12 months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women: six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics." Did anyone else realize that cosmetics were right here in the Bible? I just find that fascinating.
Betty: Uh, well, t-this next verse talks about her being a concubine.
Mary: Hey, hey, don't skip ahead. We're still talking cosmetics. Did you know that Esther used her beauty to stop a genocide?
Ann: Really?
Mary: Sometimes, I think we forget how powerful beauty can be. But I know I sure feel powerful when I'm wearing this new line of Mary Kay cosmetics. Take a gander, ladies.

Mr. Lundy: Attagirl! They've already seen the before. Let's show 'em the after. Here. Try this.
Mary: That's awfully red.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly. And when you see red, what comes to your mind?
Mary: Satan.
Mr. Lundy: Glamour. Sex appeal, a little va-va-voom!
Mary: I don't know.
Mr. Lundy: You are not just selling makeup. You are selling power, you are selling confidence, and that starts right here. Now are you a powerful, confident woman?
Mary: Yes.
Mr. Lundy: Slather this on. Let's try again.
[later:]
Mr. Lundy: Somebody call highway patrol. This billboard is causing accidents.
Mary: Really?
Mr. Lundy: You had the va, then you got another va, now you got the voom. Sell me some makeup.
Mary: Hello there.
Mr. Lundy: Now I'm listening.

George Sr.: Sales is a tough racket, Mare.
George Jr.: Yeah. It ain't as easy as I make it look.
Mary: Well, I think I'd be good at it.
George Jr.: You sure? Sometimes you got to do a little fibbin'.
Mary: I would do it without that.
George Jr.: And you got to have people skills.
Mary: I have people skills.
George Jr.: Do you?
Mary: I'd like to throw my dinner roll at your head right now, but you don't see me doing it.

Mary: This is wrong, right?
Pastor Rob: You mean how much we're enjoying it?
Mary: Yes. [both laugh]
Pastor Rob: Well, that's the nice thing about being Christian. We can always ask for forgiveness.
Mary: You have to really mean it.
Pastor Rob: Trust me, when I wake up with this taste in my mouth, I'll mean it. [chuckles]
Mary: I guess it reminds me of being young.
Pastor Rob: Hmm. [Mary chuckles] You remember your first cigarette?
Mary: Eighth grade. I snuck it out of my mom's purse. [chuckles] Ugh, menthol.
Pastor Rob: Ooh. [both chuckle]

Pastor Rob: Wow. Were all these cigarettes taken from the kids?
Mary: Oh, no, those are Peg's. She's got them stashed everywhere.
Pastor Rob: [sniffs] Takes me back.
Mary: You were a smoker?
Pastor Rob: In college. You know, I was trying to look older.
Mary: Oh. Did it work?
Pastor Rob: [laughs] Imagine the Gerber Baby puffing on a Marlboro Light. [Mary laughs] I'm glad I quit, though. It's a disgusting habit.
Mary: Oh, it is.
Pastor Rob: Yeah.
Mary: I do miss it sometimes, though.
Pastor Rob: Interesting.

Mary: It was a long time ago.
Pastor Rob: How long?
Mary: Not that long. [chuckles]
Pastor Rob: Okay, I got a confession to make. Me, too.
Mary: [gasps softly] When?
Pastor Rob: Well, when I first started this job.
Mary: Oh!
Pastor Rob: Yeah, I was pretty stressed-out.
Mary: [chuckles] You wouldn't have known it.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Thank you. When was your last one?
Mary: Wednesday.
Pastor Rob: Wow.
Mary: I was having a hard time with the kids.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] You know, there's lighters in here, too.

Pastor Rob: Hey, you want to chaperone with me?
Mary: Oh. Uh... I don't know.
Pastor Rob: Come on. We'll pull an all-nighter. It'll be fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, Mary. Don't be such a lame-o. [Rob chuckles]
Mary: I'm not a lame-o. I'm a fun-o.
Pastor Jeff: So you're in?
Mary: You betcha.
Pastor Rob: All right. Fun-o is in. We got ourselves a lock-in to plan.