Radio: "So far away, Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?"
Mary: Shut up, Carole King.

Missy: This little piggy's looking good.
Mary: Hey, baby.
Missy: Hey.
Mary: Need any help?
Missy: No.
Mary: Do you want to do mine next?
Missy: Why?
Mary: Well, just seems like a thing mothers and daughters might do.
Missy: What's wrong with you?
Mary: Nothing. Never mind.

Mary: Have you talked to John tonight?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: And?
Meemaw: He and Sheldon were watching TV without anybody yakking at 'em.
Mary: I'm going home. Thanks for stopping by.

Mary: Right, so I thought we could sit down over a slice of rhubarb pie and, you know, forgive and forget.
Brenda Sparks: I haven't done anything that needs forgiving.
Mary: Okay, well, that sounds like something we could sit down and talk about over the pie.

Mary: Hey, what you doing?
George Sr.: Pretty much what it looks like.
Mary: Would you like some company?
George Sr.: Sure, I guess.
Mary: Of course, if you'd rather watch TV, I could leave you alone.
George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, it's a rerun. But even if it weren't-
Mary: Ooh.

[Mary sobbing]
George Sr.: Hey, what what's wrong?
Mary: Nothing. Keep going.
[Mary's crying intensifies]
George Sr.: Mary?
Mary: George, I just miss my little boy so much, and he's never gonna come back 'cause he doesn't need his mama.
George Sr.: Oh, baby, of course he'll come back.
Mary: No, you should've seen how happy he was.
George Sr.: All right, well, still got Georgie and Missy.
[Mary starts wailing]

Sheldon: I changed my mind. I don't want to leave here ever.
Mary: You never have to.

Meemaw: I think you might be getting way ahead of yourself.
Mary: I'm telling you, I just know.
Meemaw: You were also convinced that Georgie was gonna be a girl.
Mary: That's true. Although he does have very pretty hair.

Mary: I don't see them.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?
Mary: Mom.
Mary Sue: Behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Mary: Would you please be a little more discreet?
Meemaw: She doesn't know it's for you.
Mary: Well, it sure isn't for you.

Mary: If I'm pregnant, George is gonna flip out.
Meemaw: I'm sure he would at first. Then he would calm down. Take a few beers. Maybe some malt liquor.
Mary: I suppose. [sighs] The truth is, he and I were both freaked out about having twins. But now I can't imagine life without them.
Meemaw: Well, see, there you are. So, no matter what that test says, you're gonna be okay.
Mary: You're right.
Meemaw: What's it say?
Mary: [sighs] I'm gonna go buy that malt liquor.

Missy: What's on your head?
Sheldon: A yarmulke.
George Jr.: A yama-what?
Sheldon: It's a special Jewish hat. It reminds the wearer that God is always over you.
Meemaw: [laughs]
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, it's funny.
Mary: It's not funny and it's not a yarmulke. It is a coaster I crocheted at Bible camp.

Mary: Mary Cooper, how may I bless you?
Sheldon: Hello, Mom?
Mary: Sheldon? Everything okay?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: What's wrong? What happened?
Sheldon: My sandwich tastes different.
Mary: You know you're not supposed to call unless it's an emergency.
Sheldon: I'm well aware. So what did you change?
Mary: I didn't change anything. Same bread, same peanut butter, same jelly.
Sheldon: Did you use one knife for the PB and the J?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Mary: That was one time two years ago, and all the other knives were dirty.
Sheldon: It was 14 months and 11 days ago. When we made the big switch from Wonder Bread.
Mary: Oh, how could I forget?

Mary: Not a good time, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: I don't want your boy playing with my boy anymore.
Mary: Excuse me? [PHONE RINGING] Someone get that.
Brenda Sparks: I just saw Sheldon on the news. He doesn't need to be filling Billy's head with crazy commie ideas.
Mary: Crazier than sitting on an egg and trying to hatch it? 'Cause I saw your precious son do that the other day.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, you understand these people are atheists.
Mary: I get it. They're not my people. You're my people.
Pastor Jeff: Then what's this all about?
Mary: My son just wanted a better sandwich. Why is this so hard for y'all to understand?!

Mary: Um, I have Sunday's bulletin for your approval. And I wanted to ask about ordering the palms for Palm Sunday. I know it's early, but as you remember last year, we waited too long and First United Methodist snatched up all the perky ones.

Mary: And then he said, "For the rest of the day, you're in charge."
George Sr.: Mm.
Mary: Those were his exact words. Can you believe it? "You're in charge."
George Sr.: Well, that's great.
Mary: And thanks to me, this year United Methodist is gonna get stuck with all the limp palms.
George Sr.: Well, I don't know what that means, but good for you.

Mary: Mind if I make some room to sit?
Mr. Gilford: You're staying?
Mary: Yes, I'm staying. I'm here to keep you company.
Mr. Gilford: Why? So you'll look like some kind of Good Samaritan?
Mary: Because God calls on us to serve our fellow man. Romans 12:13, "Share with the Lord's people who are"-
Mr. Gilford: What are you doing?
Mary: Quoting scripture.
Mr. Gilford: Well, I don't want to hear that.
Mary: You don't want to hear the Bible?
Mr. Gilford: Not from some woman.
Mary: Excuse me?
Mr. Gilford: Where have you been? Women don't preach in our church.
Mary: Well, I'm not in our church, I'm in your living room, which is, by the way, disgusting.

Paramedic: You a relative?
Mary: No.
Paramedic: Friend?
Mary: I was trying.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, before we finish up, I'd like to call up Mary Cooper, who has a few words she'd like to say.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. As some of you might know, we lost a member of our congregation. James Gilford passed away earlier this week. If that name isn't familiar to you, don't feel bad, it wasn't to me either. But in the last few days, I've gotten to learn a little bit about him. He was married to his wife, Meredith, for over 45 years, he was a lieutenant in the Army, and, forgive him for this, a big fan of the Dallas Cowboys. [LAUGHTER] But even if you didn't know him, I hope that you'll still join me in celebrating his life this Wednesday at the American Legion. Thank you.

Mary: What on Earth did you say to Missy?
Meemaw: Why? What'd she do now?
Mary: Nothing, she was an angel. I dropped her off at school, and she hugged me in front of her friends.
Meemaw: Really?
Mary: And not just any friends. Heather M. was there, and that is a big deal.
Meemaw: I just gave her a little life advice.
Mary: Like what?
Meemaw: Nothing, just grandma stuff.
Mary: There you go again, being the good guy.
Meemaw: Mary, you need to know you're doing a fantastic job with those kids.
Mary: You really mean that?
Meemaw: I really do.
Mary: Thanks. I can't remember the last time someone said I was a good mom.
Meemaw: It's not a job that gets a lot of compliments.