Mary: Aw, baby, everything all right?
George Jr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Mary: You might feel better if you do. Is it about a girl?
George Jr.: How do you know?
Mary: Sometimes a mother can sense these things.

George Jr.: Veronica has a boyfriend.
Mary: You mean Dustin?
George Jr.: You know him?
Mary: Well, yeah, she met him through the church. Lovely young man.
George Jr.: You like him?
Mary: Oh. Well, um the Lord teaches us to like everybody.

Mary: Trust me, this'll pass. You will meet other girls.
George Jr.: They won't be Veronica. Is he taller than me?
Mary: It doesn't matter. It's what's inside a person that counts.
George Jr.: How much taller?
Mary: A lot.

Mary: Poor baby is just crushed.
George Jr.: Oh, man. I've been through that. Brutal.
Mary: When did I break your heart?
George Sr.: Oh, it wasn't you.
Mary: Then who was it?
George Sr.: Oh, doesn't matter. It was a long time ago.
Mary: But who?

Mary: Just tell me her name, and I'll drop it forever.
George Sr.: You swear?
Mary: You know I don't swear.
George Sr.: You promise?
Mary: Absolutely.

Mary: Kathryn Dempsey?! You watched me make cupcakes for her daughter's birthday, and you never told me you were in love with her?!
George Sr.: I was 15 years old, and she didn't love me back.
Mary: If she did, would you have married her instead of me?
George Sr.: But she didn't!
Mary: Okay! Now I have my answer. Kathryn Dempsey?!
George Sr.: I was 15!

Meemaw: What's that about?
Mary: I'm punishing him.
Meemaw: What for?
Mary: Nothing, really. But once I got started, I couldn't stop.

Nora: Oh. Looks like you bit your cheek.
Sheldon: How do you know it's not scurvy?
Nora: Because you're not a pirate.

George Sr.: Why don't you dote on me like that?
Mary: Because he's my baby.
George Sr.: Well, I could be your baby.
Mary: Oh, now I have a stomachache.

George Sr.: This is ridiculous. They said an hour and a half; it's been almost two. I'm gonna go yell at somebody.
Mary: Good. Yell at everybody.

George Jr.: Hey, Mom, just a heads-up, I'm getting baptized tomorrow.
Mary: Good Lord. That boy's randiness knows no bounds.

Mary: I'm thankful to be surrounded by my loving family.
Missy: What about that guy?
Mary: That guy- Dr. Sturgis Is part of our extended family.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm, thank you.
Mary: And I'm also thankful for this warm and comfy home that God has blessed us with and this great neighborhood with my mom living right across the street, and of course our excellent school system that provides our children with a world-class education.

Mary: Fine, but I want you here for dinner every night, and if your grades slip, you are done.
George Jr.: Thank you.
Mary: Now go wash up. And don't get grease all over my towels.

Mary: Really? It was his first attempt at taxidermy. He was so proud.
Meemaw: If it has sentimental value to you, I'll let you have it for five dollars.
Mary: Ooh. For this nasty thing?

Meemaw: Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people into joining the church?
Mary: Yeah. But people like getting scared on Halloween anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in hell. Because God loves 'em.

Mary: What do you think? Pretty great, huh? Realtor's letting us use it for free.
Meemaw: Wow. How'd you swing that?
Mary: Well, I promised Fred Murphy a lead role in the lust room.
Meemaw: Ooh.

Fred: Will there be kissing and touching?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you bet.
Mary: Mm. Mm.
Mr. Lundy: Now what?
Mary: Pretend kissing. Pretend touching.

Mr. Lundy: Before we begin tonight's descent into Heck, I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
Mary: 'Cause it's all about you, isn't it?

George Sr.: Famine. Famine would bring 'em in.
Mary: What do you know about famine?

Mary: But Sheldon's already self-conscious about being different from other kids. I worry how this might affect him.
George Sr.: You're being too protective. He's a rock.
Mary: A rock? Are we raising the same child?