George: Hey! Where do you think you're going?
Georgie: Bathroom.
George: No, you're not. You don't live here.
Mary: George.
George: You want him making grandkids in that van?
Mary: You heard him! Get!
Georgie: Dang it.

George: Morning, sunshine.
Georgie: [exhales] What do you want?
George: Oh, just to see how you're doing.
Georgie: I'm fine. Thanks for the juice.
George: Oh, this isn't for you. [drinks] Mmm. Mmm. [smacks lips, sighs] Cold and refreshing. So, how'd you sleep? You look terrible.
Georgie: Are you done?
George: Depends. You ready to return the van?
Georgie: This van's not going anywhere.
George: Don't you have to work this morning?
Georgie: Crap.
[After George closes the side door and jumps into the driver's seat, he tries to start the van but the engine fails to turn over.]
George: Yep, it's not going anywhere.

George: I didn't know he was bringing his wife.
Mary: And of course it didn't even occur to you to ask me?
George: Well, no, but isn't that better than thinking about it and then not doing it?
Mary: They both make you a jerk.
George: [sighs] Since when are you interested in a coaches conference?
Mary: I am interested in a weekend at a nice hotel by a river.
George: Hotel is pretty nice.

Georgie: Dang it.
George: What do you think you're doing?
Georgie: Trying to get the bike started.
George: Why?
Georgie: So I can ride it.
George: Like hell you are! [to Pastor Jeff] Sorry.

Georgie: You don't use it.
George: 'Cause your mother won't let me. And if I can't, you can't.
Georgie: If I get it running, can I at least sell it?
George: No.
Georgie: But it's just sitting here. What's the point?
George: Point is I said no.
Georgie: I can't believe someone so lame even owned a bike like this.
George: [to Pastor Jeff] Why are kids such a pain in the ass? [Pastor Jeff is silent] I'm sure yours will be great.

Pastor Jeff: Did you feel ready before Georgie was born?
George: Absolutely. Boy, was I wrong. Why? Getting nervous?
Pastor Jeff: Well, if I can't get a crib built on my own, how am I gonna be responsible for a human life?
George: Ah, you'll figure it out. And no sense in worrying about it 'cause you never know what kind of curveballs will come your way.
Pastor Jeff: I guess that's true.
George: Mm. The doctors could tell us we were having twins, but they couldn't warn us we were having a Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: You don't think I'm gonna...?
George: Oh, no. They broke the mold. But... you could go the other way and have a Georgie, so... some terror is called for.

George: And then Georgie accuses me of hating my job. Is this where I thought I'd end up? No. Is this where you thought you'd end up?
Coach Wilkins: I thought I'd be working at my father's funeral home sewing people's eyes shut. My life turned out great.
George: Well, good for you. [laughs] The worst part is, I think Georgie's right.
Principal Petersen: You're not happy at work?
Coach Wilkins: I can see if my dad's hiring. How are your sewing skills?
George: It's not work. [sighs] Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy anywhere.
Principal Petersen: Ugh. When I asked y'all to hang for a drink, I didn't know you were gonna be such a bummer. [laughs] Geez Louise.

President Hagemeyer: So... how do we get your son to cooperate?
George: I've been asking myself that since day one.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I don't mean to put pressure on you, but there's a lot of pressure on me, so I'm going to put it on you.
George: Look, I'm sorry, isn't there anyone else who can go to dinner with this guy?
President Hagemeyer: So I have a unicorn in my zoo, but I should trot out a goat, is that what you're saying? Would you donate a new library to have dinner with a goat?
George: What restaurant?
President Hagemeyer: Mr. Cooper, I need you to understand something. This university relies on donations for everything. For upkeep, for salaries, for scholarships, like the one your son is currently on.
George: I'll talk to him.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And when you go to dinner, wear real pants.

George: Hey. I just got off the phone with President Hagemeyer. This guy we're gonna have dinner with sounds pretty interesting. He made all of his money selling antistatic furniture for laboratories.
Sheldon: He's not even a scientist? He's just a furniture salesman?
George: Yeah.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to talk about?
George: Talk about whatever you want. Just... don't be insulting.
Sheldon: What if he says something I think is ridiculous?
George: Keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: What if you just said something I think is ridiculous? Because...
George: Okay, maybe we need to work a little on your conversation skills, like not calling people out for saying stupid things.
Sheldon: How am I supposed to practice that?
[cut to Sheldon answering the door to Billy Sparks:]
Billy Sparks: What's up?

President Hagemeyer: George Cooper, meet Gary O'Brien, the antistatic furniture king.
Gary: Hello.
George: Shocking to meet you.
President Hagemeyer: Don't do that.

George: What do you mean you quit?
Sheldon: It was beneath me.
George: You need to learn there's nothing wrong with a little hard work.
Sheldon: Hard work is calculating neutrino properties to one percent accuracy. Anyone can wash bolts.
George: You begged him for that job.
Sheldon: I assumed he'd realize the value of my intellect and put it to good use.
George: Hang on. You made a commitment. When you say you're gonna do something, you do it.
Sheldon: Well, he could find someone else.
George: Doesn't matter. This is about you being a man of your word.
Adult Sheldon: I wanted to point out that I couldn't be a man of my word, since I hadn't hit puberty, but he seemed pretty grouchy.

George: What is that on your belt there?
Georgie: It's my new beeper.
George: Why in the world would you need a beeper?
Georgie: So people can get in touch with me.
George: Trust me, when you're not around, no one's thinking, "I must speak with Georgie this minute."
Georgie: Hey, lots of people have these.
George: Yeah, doctors and drug dealers, and you're not smart enough to be either.
Georgie: [pager beeping, vibrating] Excuse me, I'm being beeped. [dials phone] Hey, I was paged from this number. No, I'm not Bruce. Sorry. [hangs up]
George: Mm, sounds like you got a real emergency there, Bruce.

George: What's going on?
Mary: That was Dr. Linkletter. He says that Sheldon is spending too much time with him.
George: Better him than us, right?
Mary: [sighs] He's suggesting that Sheldon try and find some friends on campus.
George: Makes sense.
Mary: I'm just worried that he's gonna be hanging out with people who are drinking and going to parties.
George: Like he's gonna make friends with the cool kids.

Tam: Well, thank you.
Georgie: Hold on now. I ain't just givin' it away.
Tam: How much?
Georgie: Five bucks.
Tam: It's worth it. If I get another B, my mom will kill me.
Georgie: Hey, I don't just sell tests. I bring families together.

Mary: Hey, I was thinking after dinner, maybe you and I could go out for a walk.
George: Why?
Mary: Pastor Jeff and Brenda have been doing it, might be nice.
George: So go with them.
Missy: They didn't invite her. She was all upset about it.
George: [clears throat] Well, you get left out and I get punished?
Mary: A walk with your wife is punishment?
George: [to Missy] You're up, say somethin' fun.