Georgie: You don't use it.
George: 'Cause your mother won't let me. And if I can't, you can't.
Georgie: If I get it running, can I at least sell it?
George: No.
Georgie: But it's just sitting here. What's the point?
George: Point is I said no.
Georgie: I can't believe someone so lame even owned a bike like this.
George: [to Pastor Jeff] Why are kids such a pain in the ass? [Pastor Jeff is silent] I'm sure yours will be great.

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Georgie: You know what else is nice?
George: Hmm?
Georgie: I get to learn from all your parenting mistakes.
George: I'm starting to think letting you live this long was one of 'em.
Georgie: Like that. I'd never say something so awful to my kid. [George scoffs] Thanks, big guy.

Georgie: A bill? Really?
George: Room and board, buddy.
Georgie: $50 a month for food?
George: The way you eat, I should've gone $50 a week.
Georgie: Laundry services?
George: Your poor mother has to touch your underwear.
Georgie: What's the $10 a month "peema" charge?
George: Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a "Pain in My Ass" tax. My way of getting compensated for you taking years off my life.

Billy Sparks: Who's Melissa?
Missy: Me.
Billy Sparks: Then who's Missy?
Missy: "Missy" is short for "Melissa." Like how "Billy" is short for "William."
Billy Sparks: I don't understand.
Missy: You know how your real name is William?
Billy Sparks: I'm Billy.
Sheldon: No, we call you Billy, but your real name is William.
Billy Sparks: But my underpants say "Billy" in them. Mom, is my name William?
Brenda Sparks: [sighs] Yeah.
Billy Sparks: Then whose underpants am I wearing?

Sheldon: I'm excited to finally use college-ruled paper and not feel like I'm living a lie.
Billy Sparks: What's college-ruled paper?
Sheldon: The lines are 18% closer together.
Billy Sparks: College sounds hard.
Brenda Sparks: You won't have to worry about that, honey.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer machine] Hello, Coopers. Dr. Sturgis here. This is a message for Mary. I have some news I need to share with you before Sheldon starts college. Please call me back. [answering machine beeps]
Sheldon: I wonder why he'd want to talk to you and not me.
Dr. John Sturgis: [answering machine beeps] Dr. Sturgis again. If Sheldon happened to hear that last message and is wondering why I'd want to speak to his mother first and not him... Excellent question! It's that kind of curiosity that makes him a true man of science. [answering machine clicks, beeps]
Sheldon: I'm a true man of science.