George: And Sheldon's fine. You know what he's like. If someone took him, I'm sure they'll bring him right back.

Georgie: A bill? Really?
George: Room and board, buddy.
Georgie: $50 a month for food?
George: The way you eat, I should've gone $50 a week.
Georgie: Laundry services?
George: Your poor mother has to touch your underwear.
Georgie: What's the $10 a month "peema" charge?
George: Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a "Pain in My Ass" tax. My way of getting compensated for you taking years off my life.

George: You mind putting down my kid?
Clint Watson: We were just playing around.
Veronica: This is my mom's boyfriend, Clint.
George: Hello, Clint. What can we do for you?
Clint Watson: I'm here to pick up Veronica. Come on.
George: You want to go with this man?
Veronica: No, sir.
George: You heard her. Thanks for stopping by.
Clint Watson: You really want to mess with me?
George: Sure. Why not?
[THUDDING OUTSIDE]
Mary: What's going on out there?
George: You might want to call the police.
Mary: Why?
George: There's a bum sleeping on our front porch.

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Georgie: You know what else is nice?
George: Hmm?
Georgie: I get to learn from all your parenting mistakes.
George: I'm starting to think letting you live this long was one of 'em.
Georgie: Like that. I'd never say something so awful to my kid. [George scoffs] Thanks, big guy.

Sheldon: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George: I guess. Why?
Sheldon: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George: Not at all.
Sheldon: Why?
George: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George: At all costs.

Mary: You're a good dad.
George: If I don't kill one of them before Sunday, I'm a good dad.

Sheldon: There's going to be a lecture on carbon dating at the Natural Science Museum on Saturday. Who would like to take me?
George: You know what? I'd be happy to.
Meemaw: What happened to helping me at my yard sale?
George: Ooh, is that this Saturday? I'm sorry. I'm taking him to a lecture on, uh what is it? Carbonation?
Sheldon: Carbon dating. A method of determining the age of artifacts and fossils.
George: Hey, we could use that to figure out how old your grandma is.
Sheldon: That won't work. You can't carbon-date something that's alive.
George: Well, then, we'll just chop her down and count the rings.
Meemaw: Oh, George, did my "lump of clay" remark strike a nerve?
George: A little.

George: What the hell were you doing out there?
Mary: George, language.
George: What language?

George: I don't understand why that dog is so interested in Sheldon.
Missy: Maybe Bucky likes the way Sheldon smells?
George: Your brother washes himself three times a day. He has no smell.

Mary: I know you've had a number of gentleman callers, but I've never heard you speak like this before.
Meemaw: "Gentleman callers"?
George: And we wonder where Sheldon gets it.

Herschel Sparks: So I guess you got two geniuses in the family.
George: Guess I do.
Herschel Sparks: Who knows, maybe Missy'll make it three.
George: Or it's two.

George: So how'd you wind up coaching baseball?
Dale: Well, with the sporting goods store, you know, I've sponsored a couple of teams, and then this year, my grandson wanted to play, so it lets me spend more time with him.
George: That's nice. Yeah, I coach my son in football.
Dale: Sheldon?
George: Oh, God, no. Can you imagine?
Dale: You really scared me there for a second.

George: Oh, yeah. Connie's great. You can have a beer with her, watch a football game, joke around. She doesn't mind if you swear. In fact, that woman's got a mouth on her.
Dale: I have noticed that.
George: Yeah. You know, I just realized something. I got more in common with my mother-in-law than I do my own wife.
Dale: That's kind of creepy.
George: Yeah. Let's hope the beer does its job and I don't remember this tomorrow.

Mary: And then she said she didn't want the other kids to see Billy hanging out with Sheldon.
George: That boy's only other friend is a chicken and she's worried about Sheldon?
Mary: What do we do? Tell Missy she can't go?
George: If we're only gonna let Missy go places where they want to have Sheldon, then she ain't gonna get out much.