Dr. John Sturgis Quotes

Quote from the episode A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, uh if your meemaw asks how I did tonight, I hope you'll give me a positive review.
Sheldon: Three stars.
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of three?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful!

Quote from the episode A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow

Sheldon: Who's the president of the United States?
Dr. John Sturgis: George Herbert Walker Bush.
Sheldon: I like Burgess Sturgis better.
Dr. John Sturgis: 'Cause it rhymes, sure.

Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John here. I'm calling to confirm a time for beer and socializing this weekend.
George Sr.: Oh, damn. I forgot we had plans. Um, I'm actually going camping.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.
George Sr.: I'm real sorry. Uh, the invitation kind of came up last minute.
Dr. John Sturgis: You may not know this, but, um, I love camping.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. I spent a year backpacking through Asia.
George Sr.: I mean, I'd invite you along, but it's not really my trip. I'm going with Connie's friend Dale.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I'll just hang out with another friend this weekend.
George Sr.: Great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to make one first.

Quote from the episode A Proposal and a Popsicle Stick Cross

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, will you do me the honor of being my wife?
Meemaw: Oh, John, I don't know.
Dr. John Sturgis: How can you not know? It's a binary decision.
Meemaw: It's more complicated th-than that.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't see why. We're compatible.
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: We enjoy each other's company.
Meemaw: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: And we've become extremely proficient in the bedroom. There's very little wasted effort.
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] John, sit back down and lower your voice.
Dr. John Sturgis: Little help? Down is easier than up.

Quote from the episode Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib

Dale: Howdy. Can I help you?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, no, just browsing.
Dale: Yeah, well, any particular sport you might need that for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Depends. What the heck is it?
Dale: It's a cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: A cup? What kind of a cup has holes in it?
Dale: Well, it protects your private parts.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can see how that might be useful. Well, this has been very informative.
Thank you.

Quote from the episode Stuffed Animals and a Sweet Southern Syzygy

Dr. Linkletter: Although I suppose, based on your premise, we could calculate the stress-energy tensor for each.
Adult Sheldon: It turned out their antagonism was the key to their success.
Dr. John Sturgis: ...find an experiment to distinguish them.
Dr. Linkletter: While derivative, I'll admit your point does have some merit.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course it has merit, you... you...
Sheldon: [whispers] Big, pink Sasquatch?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Good. [normal voice] You big, pink Sasquatch!

Quote from the episode A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast

Meemaw: John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, my sweet.
Meemaw: What are you doing out here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Weeding. You have goosegrass. And you can't have a nice lawn if you have goosegrass.
Meemaw: It's kind of dark out.
Dr. John Sturgis: Goosegrass doesn't sleep. It kills the good grass and leaves bald spots. But don't worry, I'm on the job.
Meemaw: Oh. Okay. Can I get you a flashlight?
Dr. John Sturgis: I would prefer a headlamp, such as one would use for spelunking.
Meemaw: Okay. Let me check my spelunking supplies.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're a peach. [singing] Pulling weeds and picking stones-

Quote from the episode A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie. What are you doing here?
Meemaw: Well, I got a call from your friend Linkletter, and, uh I-I was a little worried about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: What did he say?
Meemaw: That you had some kind of scuffle with the campus security?
Dr. John Sturgis: No scuffle. I was using the university's mainframe, and they asked me to leave. Simple as that.
Meemaw: So nobody chased you?
Dr. John Sturgis: I was startled, and so I did what any normal person does under the circumstances: climb out a window and run like the dickens.

Quote from the episode Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a little nervous. You're the first ex-girlfriend I've ever been friends with. And you're also my first ex-girlfriend. And that's because you-
Meemaw: How about you just think of me as your friend?

Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub

Man #1: Hey, there's my man! [cheering]
Man #2: The doctor's in the house!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, y'all!
Meemaw: Oh, boy.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no, what have I done?
Sheldon: It's still moving.
Dr. Linkletter: Like we should be. Let's go.
Dr. John Sturgis: We need a box and a towel.
Sheldon: We don't need a coffin. The birds will eat it.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's to keep it safe until we find help.
Dr. Linkletter: John, these animals carry all kinds of diseases.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what the towel's for.
Sheldon: This is Texas. Armadillo roadkill is practically the state animal.

Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, here's a pineapple. It's a symbol of hospitality dating back to the 1700s.
Mary: Thank you. How tropical.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, hello!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi!
Sheldon: Ooh. Did you know the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality?
Mary: As a matter of fact, I did.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're welcome!

Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

Dr. John Sturgis: This is wonderful. Did you know the term "dive bar" originated because many establishments were below street level, and patrons had to essentially dive down to enter them.
George Sr.: Didn't know that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, now you do.

Quote from the episode Babies, Lies and a Resplendent Cannoli

Sheldon: Have you read The Gods Themselves?
Dr. Linkletter: "We cannot stop Estwald."
Both: "We are Estwald!"
Dr. John Sturgis: Who's Estwald?
Sheldon: You don't know him either?
Dr. John Sturgis: I know who Asimov is, but I've never read his work.
Dr. Linkletter: Talk about big boy science. The man coined the term "robotics."
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh.
Sheldon: Maybe we could have a book club.
Dr. John Sturgis: My social schedule is astonishingly open.
Dr. Linkletter: What a lovely way to honor Asimov's life.
Sheldon: It'll be like my mom's Bible study, but we know the characters aren't real.
Dr. Linkletter: What book should we start with?
Dr. John Sturgis: That naked one sounded good.

Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me! Everyone!
George Sr.: Oh, boy.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would like to propose a toast to George Cooper. I don't mind telling you I'm going through a bit of a rough patch, and this man went out of his way to take me here and listen to my woes. And George and I don't even know each other that well.
George Sr.: You heard it. Y'all heard it.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I just broke up with a woman. A beautiful, passionate woman. Adventurous. Sensual. Apparently, you're never too old for heartache. But tonight, I found solace in the bosom of male friendship. To George Cooper. [silence] Drinks are on me!
All: To George Cooper! [cheers]

Quote from the episode Pongo Pygmaeus and a Culture that Encourages Spitting

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering the phone] Hello?
Sheldon: I'm having a scientific argument with someone and I need your help.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do love a good science fight. Has it devolved to name-calling yet?
Sheldon: Yes. I called him a Pongo pygmaeus.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh! A Bornean orangutan. That is a creature who would be very bad at science. Well done.
Sheldon: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: So how can I help?
Sheldon: I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function. We've been arguing back and forth and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. I see. Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning?
Sheldon: Ooh, I hadn't. That suggests another idea. I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in intermediate steps. I'm gonna destroy him with this.
Dr. John Sturgis: And when you do, feel free to call him a Scarabaeus viettei, a dung beetle.
Sheldon: Oh, I so admire your mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Back at you, little man.

Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's

George Sr.: [on the phone] Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: George. John Sturgis here.
George Sr.: That's why I said "Hey, John."
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. I was wondering if we could go out for a beer and talk.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, aren't we talking right now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but we had so much fun last time, I thought we could do it again.
George Sr.: Gee, John, last time, you got drunk and threw up in my glove compartment.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did I? [laughs] Well, while I don't remember any of that happening, I promise to be on my best behavior. And the drinks are on me.

Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's

Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, the university has taken notice of Sheldon's talents, and they would very much like him to enroll full-time.
George Sr.: Yeah, we've been down this road, John. Sheldon's only ten. Mary and I both have jobs. We just can't make it work.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's why they asked me to speak to you. They're looking to sweeten the pot. That's a gambling metaphor. A lesser-known version is "sweeten the kitty." I assume the difference is regional, but I'm no etymologist. This beer is yummy. Mmm!

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hello.
Mary: Hello, Dr. Sturgis. This is Mary Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.
Mary: So, what's going on? Everything okay?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, everything is quite good, actually. Well, for me, that is. Um... did you know there's a supercollider being built in Waxahachie, Texas?
Mary: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you know what a supercollider is?
Mary: Not really.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like a crash course? Which is humorous because it involves particles crashing into each other.
Mary: [on the phone] I'd like you to tell me what this has to do with Sheldon.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that part's less funny. I've taken a job there.

Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm exploring the notion that time itself is quantized.
Sheldon: Interesting. That sounds like a step towards a unified field theory.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fingers crossed. Although I can't cross my fingers... arthritis. [laughs]