Dr. John Sturgis: Dr. Linkletter. Please meet my girlfriend, Connie Tucker.
Dr. Linkletter: Nice to meet you, Dr. Tucker.
Meemaw: I'm not a doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I would like to point out, she's quite real.
Dr. Linkletter: I can see that.
Dr. John Sturgis: And our relationship is more than just friends.
Meemaw: That's enough.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, it's flat-out erotic.
Meemaw: Change the subject, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: You got it, girlfriend.

Sheldon: I was thinking about the mass problem of your neutrinos, and I realized we might be able to solve it if some of the particles have more spin.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting. That would certainly get our neutrino mass to zero. Although it does open up a problem with double beta decay.
Sheldon: Hmm. That is true. Unless what it's actually predicting is a magnetic monopole.
Dr. John Sturgis: Might be difficult to control the infinities. Although, if you consider adding faster-than-light particles like tachyons, then I suppose you could...
Sheldon: Quantize time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes! Hang on! If we're gonna be thinking at this level, I should put on pants!

Meemaw: I tell you what, how about we take my car?
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. So, would you be opposed to me sitting in the back seat? It's statistically the safest part of the car.
Meemaw: Actually, I would.
Dr. John Sturgis: Asked and answered.

Dr. John Sturgis: This is for you. It's cheese and summer sausages.
Mary: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Summer sausage means it doesn't need to be refrigerated.
Mary: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: It is.

George: You sure I can't give you a ride home? I can throw your bike in the back of my pickup truck.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, no. I enjoy the night air. Plus, hot dogs and spaghetti is a highly caloric event that demands an aerobic effort on my part.

Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.

Meemaw: Aren't y'all sweet to come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course. I saw Sheldon the other day. He wouldn't speak to me. Is he okay?
Mary: He's not really talking to anybody.
Dr. Linkletter: We'll keep him company.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll, uh, try to distract him by telling him the latest news about leptons.
Meemaw: He'll like that. He's crazy about the leptons.
Dr. John Sturgis: Who isn't?

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Sheldon, I'm a notary, if that helps.
Sheldon: Just when I thought you couldn't get cooler.

Meemaw: Just take it off, damn it. [Meemaw storms off]
Dr. John Sturgis: What just happened?
Mary: That's my dad's jacket.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. Still don't know what happened.

Meemaw: John is everybody at this party gonna be a scientist like you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not everybody. You'll be there.
Meemaw: That's kind of what I'm gettin' at.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is there a problem?
Meemaw: Well yeah. I didn't go to college. I was a total screwup in high school. I might not fit in at all.
Dr. John Sturgis: Don't be silly. Everyone's gonna love you. And I'm excited to show you off. The general consensus among the faculty is you don't exist.
Meemaw: I don't know how I feel about that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, don't worry it says more about me than it does about you.

Dr. Linkletter: John, where have you been hiding her?
Dr. John Sturgis: I haven't. I've talked about her quite a bit, but you all said she was a figment of my imagination.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's all right, Connie. Sheldon's trying to justify his shortcut.
Sheldon: Not a shortcut, a more elegant and efficient method to achieve the correct answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I applaud the effort, young man.
Sheldon: Don't treat me like a child, treat me like a colleague.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Sheldon: How could you say that?! [CRYING]
Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Treating him like a colleague.
Meemaw: Do you and your colleagues make each other run out of the room crying like that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes. But we run slower, 'cause we're old.

Sheldon: [on the phone] How do I make her understand that being smart is the best?
Dr. John Sturgis: Might I suggest, instead of trying to fix her problem, you just listen? When I was in the psychiatric ward, I learned that people who are struggling emotionally often just need to be heard.
Sheldon: Hmm. Sounds difficult, but I suppose I could try.
Dr. John Sturgis: Another thing I learned in the hospital is that some people believe there are weird mole men living in tunnels deep inside the earth.
Sheldon: Well, this has been mostly helpful.
Dr. John Sturgis: And you're mostly welcome.

George: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.