- Dr. John Sturgis
- Dale
- Tam
- Billy Sparks
- Brenda Sparks
- Dr. Linkletter
- Mr. Givens
- Ms. Ingram
- Ms. MacElroy
- Ms. Hutchins
Dr. John Sturgis Quotes
Quote from the episode Teenager Soup and a Little Ball of Fib
Dale: Howdy. Can I help you?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, no, just browsing.
Dale: Yeah, well, any particular sport you might need that for?
Dr. John Sturgis: Depends. What the heck is it?
Dale: It's a cup.
Dr. John Sturgis: A cup? What kind of a cup has holes in it?
Dale: Well, it protects your private parts.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can see how that might be useful. Well, this has been very informative.
Thank you.
Quote from the episode Potential Energy and Hooch on a Park Bench
Dr. Linkletter: So what do we do about it?
Dr. John Sturgis: We sing.
Dr. Linkletter: What do we sing?
Dr. John Sturgis: [sings] ♫ When you're too old to work ♫ ♫ And you're too young to die ♫ ♫ Who will take care of you? ♫ ♫ How will you get by? ♫ ♫ When you're too old to work ♫ ♫ And you're too young to die ♫ ♫
Dr. Linkletter: I don't think I know that one.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. Do you know "Lollipop"?
Quote from the episode A Black Hole
Meemaw: So how's everything going with your supercollider?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, up until Wednesday at 6:43, wonderful.
Meemaw: What happened at 6:43?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's when they fired me.
Meemaw: What? Why did they fire you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Eh, probably because of what happened at 6:14.
[flashback:]
Reporter: So, Dr. Sturgis, what would you say to local residents who are concerned about the supercollider's safety? Is there a chance that Waxahachie could be the next Chernobyl?
Dr. John Sturgis: Absolutely not. The supercollider is very different from a nuclear power plant. This can't melt down. The worst it could do would be to create a microscopic black hole.
Reporter: And what would that do?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's unlikely, but, uh, it could grow until it swallowed up the entire Earth. And possibly the Moon. Next question.
Quote from the episode A Black Hole
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been doing science all my life. [stammers] It's time for something else.
Meemaw: Like what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe scrimshaw? That's, uh, carving art into whale bone.
Meemaw: You really want to spend your day carving a whale bone?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know what else I'd do with it.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, you're a scientist. This is just silly.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie... I'm 72 and just lost my dream job. [chuckles] Right now, uh... I think I need to, uh... take a step back.
Meemaw: The Texan in me wants to say get back on the horse. But I won't.
Quote from the episode A Black Hole
[fantasy:]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Southern accent] To us, it'd be as normal as boots on a cowboy.
George Jr.: That is wild.
Missy: Dr. Sturgis is correct. If indeed we grew up in another universe, our sense of normality would be formed by that universe.
George Sr.: That's enough. There are no other universes. The Bible tells us God created the Earth, not the Earths.
Mary: Ugh, why did I have to marry a preacher?
George Sr.: Because it was God's will to bless us with union.
Mary: I hope it's his plan that I hit the clubs tonight, 'cause that's gonna happen. [laughs]
Sheldon: Why am I the only normal one in this family?
Missy: If you're the only normal one, statistically speaking, you're abnormal.
George Jr.: [chuckles] Freak.
Quote from the episode A Swedish Science Thing and the Equation for Toast
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie. What are you doing here?
Meemaw: Well, I got a call from your friend Linkletter, and, uh I-I was a little worried about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: What did he say?
Meemaw: That you had some kind of scuffle with the campus security?
Dr. John Sturgis: No scuffle. I was using the university's mainframe, and they asked me to leave. Simple as that.
Meemaw: So nobody chased you?
Dr. John Sturgis: I was startled, and so I did what any normal person does under the circumstances: climb out a window and run like the dickens.
Quote from the episode A Black Hole
[fantasy:]
Meemaw: John, I'm sorry, I don't mean to push, but I just, I worry about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You do?
Meemaw: Of course. You know I care about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: That means a lot. The truth is, if I could live in an alternate universe, I'd live in one where we never broke up. I hope it's okay to say that.
Meemaw: It is. Because I wish it, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
[reality:]
Meemaw: John? John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh?
Meemaw: If you could live in an alternate universe, what would it be?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I haven't really given it any thought.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hello.
Mary: Hello, Dr. Sturgis. This is Mary Cooper.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.
Mary: So, what's going on? Everything okay?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, everything is quite good, actually. Well, for me, that is. Um... did you know there's a supercollider being built in Waxahachie, Texas?
Mary: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Do you know what a supercollider is?
Mary: Not really.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like a crash course? Which is humorous because it involves particles crashing into each other.
Mary: [on the phone] I'd like you to tell me what this has to do with Sheldon.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that part's less funny. I've taken a job there.
Quote from the episode A Black Hole
Meemaw: Thank you for walking me home.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's the gentlemanly thing to do. Although to be honest, if we were attacked, I'd be counting on you to get us out of it. [Meemaw chuckles]
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer machine] Hello, Coopers. Dr. Sturgis here. This is a message for Mary. I have some news I need to share with you before Sheldon starts college. Please call me back. [answering machine beeps]
Sheldon: I wonder why he'd want to talk to you and not me.
Dr. John Sturgis: [answering machine beeps] Dr. Sturgis again. If Sheldon happened to hear that last message and is wondering why I'd want to speak to his mother first and not him... Excellent question! It's that kind of curiosity that makes him a true man of science. [answering machine clicks, beeps]
Sheldon: I'm a true man of science.
Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat
[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary. I know this must be a hard decision for you. I can't tell you how to parent your child. I don't have children. But... I can tell you... that in all my years in academia, I've never seen a mind like Sheldon's. He's truly extraordinary. And if you let him come here, I promise we'll take good care of him.
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Dr. John Sturgis: [stammers] What's this formula? This wasn't here yesterday.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter added it after you left.
Dr. John Sturgis: Was he trying to be funny?
Sheldon: He was giggling at your "feebleminded math." His words.
Dr. John Sturgis: He's trying to approximate the cosmic background radiation by setting it at one Rydberg over Z, and my math is feebleminded? [laughs]
Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
Mary: [on the phone] Dr. Linkletter? Mary Cooper.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, Mrs. Cooper. I assume this is about the upcoming trip and perhaps your very understandable reluctance to let Sheldon come.
Mary: I have to admit I do have some concerns.
Dr. Linkletter: As you should. So, you're saying you'd prefer he not go with us?
Mary: [sighs] But he'd be so disappointed.
Dr. Linkletter: Not more disappointed than me.
Mary: So, you feel good about him going?
Dr. Linkletter: Only if you feel good about it. You're his parent. I'm just an absentminded academic who's never had children.
Mary: Come on, now. You've been such a great help looking after him at college.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, but college isn't the same as three days in a van.
Mary: Huh. Sheldon can be a nervous traveler.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah. Sounds like you don't want him to go.
Mary: No, I do want him to go. I just want to make sure that you and Dr. Sturgis are okay with it.
Dr. Linkletter: ... We're okay with it. If you're okay with it.
Mary: If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.
Dr. Linkletter: Then it would seem we're both okay with it.
Mary: Okay.
Dr. Linkletter: Okay.
Mary: Oh, he's gonna be so happy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh-huh.
Quote from the episode A Boyfriend's Ex-Wife and a Good Luck Head Rub
Man #1: Hey, there's my man! [cheering]
Man #2: The doctor's in the house!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, y'all!
Meemaw: Oh, boy.
Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number
Dr. Linkletter: I don't want to get ahead of myself, but the strength of the temperature deviations is looking rather spicy.
Sheldon: How spicy?
Dr. Linkletter: Five microkelvin.
Dr. John Sturgis: Muy caliente.
Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles
Dr. Linkletter: What do you think you're doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm changing the estimate to Robert Dicke's value of 45 kelvin.
Dr. Linkletter: I wasn't here the last time he went off his rocker. Is this what it looked like?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm perfectly sane, and I'm telling you, Dicke's estimate is the way to go.
Dr. Linkletter: And I'm telling you we need to use one Rydberg over Z, and that is final.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. [shakes head]
Dr. John Sturgis: He impugned my mental stability.
Sheldon: Fair enough. Your insult stands.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you. Beanpole.
Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm exploring the notion that time itself is quantized.
Sheldon: Interesting. That sounds like a step towards a unified field theory.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fingers crossed. Although I can't cross my fingers... arthritis. [laughs]
Quote from the episode Stuffed Animals and a Sweet Southern Syzygy
Dr. Linkletter: Although I suppose, based on your premise, we could calculate the stress-energy tensor for each.
Adult Sheldon: It turned out their antagonism was the key to their success.
Dr. John Sturgis: ...find an experiment to distinguish them.
Dr. Linkletter: While derivative, I'll admit your point does have some merit.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course it has merit, you... you...
Sheldon: [whispers] Big, pink Sasquatch?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Good. [normal voice] You big, pink Sasquatch!
Quote from the episode An Academic Crime and a More Romantic Taco Bell
Dr. John Sturgis: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. It's Sheldon. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Dr. John Sturgis: Nah, just wondering what became of my career.
Sheldon: Oh. Should I call you back later?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, no. I can be downtrodden and chat at the same time. What's up?
Quote from the episode Contracts, Rules and a Little Bit of Pig Brains
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] John here. I'm calling to confirm a time for beer and socializing this weekend.
George Sr.: Oh, damn. I forgot we had plans. Um, I'm actually going camping.
Dr. John Sturgis: Okay.
George Sr.: I'm real sorry. Uh, the invitation kind of came up last minute.
Dr. John Sturgis: You may not know this, but, um, I love camping.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes. I spent a year backpacking through Asia.
George Sr.: I mean, I'd invite you along, but it's not really my trip. I'm going with Connie's friend Dale.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I'll just hang out with another friend this weekend.
George Sr.: Great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I just need to make one first.
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- Mr. Givens
- Ms. Ingram
- Ms. MacElroy
- Ms. Hutchins