Meemaw: Are we good?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. But if I should pre-decease you I want you to have the ring.
Meemaw: Fine.
Dr. John Sturgis: It'll be in the top right corner of my dresser drawer.
Meemaw: Got it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [CRYING] Under my tube socks.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: How dare you accuse me of plagiarism? And to my colleague, no less. This is my reputation you're jeopardizing.
Sheldon: Well, give me the credit I deserve and I'll stop.
Dr. John Sturgis: We've been over this. You made a helpful suggestion and then you arrogantly assumed that it entitled you to a coauthor credit, which it doesn't.
Sheldon: But I was the one who...
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been your friend and mentor. The idea that I would steal from you is both personally and professionally insulting.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but...
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I don't want to see you in my class anymore. [line clicks, dial tone]

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, they scored another touchdown.
George Sr.: That's just a replay, John.

Meemaw: I saw your bike outside, so I-I thought I'd just, uh, say hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's so nice of you.
Meemaw: I don't mean to interrupt or anything. I just wanted to check in.
Dr. John Sturgis: [to George] Would it be awkward if I asked her to join us?
George Sr.: Oh, couldn't be any more awkward.
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to, uh, watch the game with us? It's-it's football.
Meemaw: Well, sure. [chuckles] I guess a little visit wouldn't hurt.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent.
Meemaw: Let me guess, you brought the grapes.
Dr. John Sturgis: I did.

Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you're too immature.
Meemaw: Gentlemen, please.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry, but when someone with way less experience accuses me of not knowing what I'm talking about, my hackles are up.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Bonnie. You see that? I made a joke about it.
Meemaw: Never do it again.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, ma'am.

Dr. John Sturgis: Sure!
Meemaw: What the heck? Do you really think you could handle living with a ten-year-old?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, he's only biologically ten. In every other way, he's as old as I am.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] You know, the truth is, I'm-I'm still kind of heartbroken over Connie, and, uh, I was hoping if someone else liked me, it might make it hurt less.
June: Well, I don't know either one of you very well, but I wouldn't write off Connie just yet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why? Did she say something?
June: No, but, uh, it's just the way she looked at you.
Dr. John Sturgis: See? That's what I'm terrible at. How do you people do it?
June: Look, I know she's with Dale right now, but we were married for a long time. Trust me, he's gonna screw this up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Follow up question: Should I mention any of this to Connie?
June: Mm, I wouldn't.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. Bye.

June: So you went camping with Dale? How'd that go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I hesitate to speak ill of him.
June: I divorced him. Say what you want.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then, it was terrible.

Meemaw: John, this is June.
June: Hi.
Dr. John Sturgis: June. After Juno, wife of Jupiter and queen of the gods.
June: No, after the fact that my mom got knocked up in June.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ribald! Wonderful.

Meemaw: And I remember how cute you looked in your little pearl snap shirt with your bolo tie.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I'd say it wasn't my first rodeo, but it was.
Meemaw: Thank you for a wonderful year.
Dr. John Sturgis: To many more.
Meemaw: To many more.

Dr. John Sturgis: Gentlemen. I'm no longer enjoying this outing, so I'm going home.
Dale: See ya.
George Sr.: H-Hang on, Dale. John, wait, you can't just leave. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a problem. I have my compass, a flashlight and half a bag of GORP.

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

Meemaw: John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes?
Meemaw: Could we do it just one more time?
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? I don't want you to get tired of it.
Meemaw: I won't. Please?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can't say no to you.
Meemaw: Fire in the hole. [Mary throws a biscuit and John catches it.] Unbelievable. Again, again.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. Can you give me any advice on how to overcome a fear of public speaking?
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah, you know, when I was a young man I had a terrible fear of speaking to an audience.
Sheldon: What did you do?
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, it kinda took care of itself. One day I was, uh, playing miniature golf with some colleagues and I got struck by lightning.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it was fine. When I came to, I found myself with the gift of gab. Big crowds, small crowds, you couldn't shut me up.
Sheldon: I don't see how that can benefit me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not unless you'd like me to take you miniature golfing next time there are clouds on the horizon.

Dr. John Sturgis: In lighter news, your meemaw loves me.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm usually the one giving the tests, but, uh, today I'm taking one.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I usually say that to my students.

Dr. John Sturgis: What?
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] How's it going?
Dr. John Sturgis: I can't tell you. There's no talking.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sorry.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry. I know I'm letting you down.
Meemaw: Oh, don't be silly. You're not letting me down. [CHUCKLES] I love you whether you can drive or not.
Dr. John Sturgis: You love me?
Meemaw: Well, I- I suppose I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] Am I allowed to reciprocate?
Meemaw: Sure, if that's the way you feel.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] Oh, it is. I love you, too, Connie.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLING] Well... That's just great.
Dr. John Sturgis: All righty.
Meemaw: Would you like to switch seats with me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but give me a minute because my legs are a little wobbly.
Meemaw: Is that from the yellow light or the "I love yous"?
Dr. John Sturgis: Both.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I have a little surprise for you.
Meemaw: Oh, I love surprises. Whatcha got?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm going to learn to drive.
Meemaw: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. While I love having you be the dominant personality behind closed doors, I think out in public I ought to take on more of a macho role.
Meemaw: [LAUGHS] Well, you're macho enough for me, John, but I would enjoy not having to drive us all the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then it's settled.
Meemaw: Well, when do you start?
Dr. John Sturgis: As soon as you teach me.
Meemaw: Me? Do you really think that's a good idea?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's perfect. I teach you about science so you can impress your grandson, and you teach me to drive so I can impress you.
Meemaw: Okay, but if we do this, I'm in charge. You have to do what I say when and how I tell you to do it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hubba-hubba, it's like we're back in the bedroom.