Mary: Are you ready for your surprise?
George: I sure am.
Mary: Okay. [German accent] Hello, you handsome American boy toy. I am Helga. Do you like what you see?
George: [German accent] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [both laugh]
[Sheldon unlocks the front door and walks into the house]
Sheldon: Hello?
Mary: [o.s.] Are you sure your wife won't come home?
George: [o.s.] [laughs] I'm sure.
[Sheldon knocks on his parents' bedroom door and then opens it]
George: [o.s.] Yeah, yeah. [Mary laughs] Oh, Helga.
Adult Sheldon: I never talked to my father about what I saw that day, but, from then on, I added extra knocks so people could get their pants on.

Adult Sheldon: My mother never understood that I actually enjoyed being alone. Solitude allowed me to think about important things, like the effect of gravitational forces as you approach an event horizon, as opposed to less important things, like how many grapes my brother can fit in his mouth.

Adult Sheldon: For a brief moment, I was filled with the healing power of faith. Then the next day, we all got violently ill from Billy Sparks' eggs, and I was over it.

Adult Sheldon: Fun fact: the first time I almost died was at the age of nine. The murder weapon? A Jimmy Dean sausage.

Adult Sheldon: Somehow, my parents didn't find out about me partying heartily. But I did pay a price for burning the candle at both ends. I made a mistake on a math test. In my exhaustion, I did all the calculations in my head, and, like a common zoo animal, forgot to show my work.

Adult Sheldon: Extricating myself from this situation was not going to be easy. My father was counting on me, Meemaw was counting on me, the school was counting on me. After much thought, I decided to employ the one strategic maneuver I knew I could count on. I tattled.

Adult Sheldon: With my research complete and my ulcer on the mend, all that was left to do was send my work to NASA and wait to become America's scientific sweetheart.

Adult Sheldon: I don't know if other supervillains started their careers by getting out of P.E., but that's where I began.

Adult Sheldon: Emboldened by my faux hernia, I started taking books out of the library without getting the cards stamped.

Tam: You didn't check out those books.
Sheldon: I know.
Adult Sheldon: Before you judge me too harshly, I always brought them back on time. I was a rule-breaker, not a lunatic.

Adult Sheldon: And finally, I had to apologize to my meemaw, who was an unfortunate victim of my sister's treasure hunt.

Adult Sheldon: I never heard from One and Zero again. Although, I was once visited by Nine when I had chickenpox. He was a lot less funny than he thought he was.

Adult Sheldon: The home computer I had long coveted was finally in my possession, but it was also destroying my home. Thankfully, it came pre-loaded with a program to help solve personal problems.

Adult Sheldon: Enjoy this. It is, by far, the most athletic two minutes of my entire life.

Adult Sheldon: In 1989, the Milton Bradley Company had dozens of board games on the market, but only one where you were the doctor. Operation came complete with a red light-up nose, 13 plastic body parts for players to remove and, most importantly, one pair of genuine tweezers. My sister performed a medical procedure using a children's board game, while I bravely sat very still. I guess you could say there were two heroes that day.