Adult Sheldon: Over the next several days, my social experiment was providing clear-cut data about the benefits of being well-liked.
Matt: Hey, Sheldon. Heard you like these.
Sheldon: Thank you. It's the best watery chocolate milk on the market.
Matt: Thank you for letting me use your room.
Adult Sheldon: I suppose it was like the old saying, "I scratch your back, you scratch mine," which I actually have issues with. Why is your back itchy? A rash? Chicken pox? Scabies? Scratch your own back.

Adult Sheldon: From grade school to high school, every moment of the day is accounted for. From the morning bell to dismissal, you knew where you were supposed to be, what you were going to be learning, and which poor excuse for a teacher you would have to correct.
[flashback:]
Sheldon: Ms. Ingram, can I offer a suggestion?
Ms. Ingram: What?
Sheldon: Never mind. You do it your way.
[flashback:]
Mr. Givens: Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I don't find that interesting.
[flashback:]
Coach Wilkins: Cooper? [sighs]
Sheldon: If you're going to ask us to run, don't you think you should lead by example?
[present:]
Adult Sheldon: None of this prepared me for the gap-filled, Swiss cheese anarchy of a college schedule. Look at these poor saps. Desperately trying to occupy their time until the next class.

Adult Sheldon: The yips are a cruel mistress. But thanks to a magical man with a halo of curls, I was finally able to relax and get out of my own head. [soft voice] Instead of freezing up, I thought about happy integers, fluffy little formulas and a sweet Bessel function that just wants me to do my very best.
Sheldon: Done.
Dr. Linkletter: Great, I can still make my doubles match. Get out.

Adult Sheldon: Of all the tests one takes in school, my favorite was the midterm. Finals weren't bad, but they also meant summer was approaching. I don't believe in religion, but sunshine, picnics and pool parties are proof hell exists.

Howard Wolowitz: Wait, so after all this time, that's your problem with engineering?
Adult Sheldon: Evidently.
Howard Wolowitz: So all the teasing and all the abuse had nothing to do with me?
Adult Sheldon: I'll admit, at first, I had a chip on my shoulder because of that class, but then it was mostly you.
Howard Wolowitz: Unbelievable. When will I learn?
Adult Sheldon: I could give you that answer, but if you figure it out for yourself, it'll mean so much more.
Howard Wolowitz: Goodbye, Sheldon.
Adult Sheldon: Bye.

Adult Sheldon: Engineering has a rich and storied history, dating back to ancient times. Some consider it the single most important field of study... Okay, w-wha... no. Stop. I'm sorry. Howard, I can't do this.
Howard Wolowitz: You asked me to write you an introduction to engineering.
Adult Sheldon: Yes, and if I wanted a comedy routine, I'd have gone to Billy Crystal.
Howard Wolowitz: Just let me read it. [clears throat] Engineering has a rich and storied history dating back to ancient times. Some consider it the single most important field of study known to man, from the wheel to the International Space Station, which I went to.
Adult Sheldon: Honestly, this again?
Howard Wolowitz: Like we don't hear about your Nobel Prize all the time.
Adult Sheldon: It's not my fault people ask about it.
Howard Wolowitz: Because you're always wearing it! You have it on right now.
Adult Sheldon: Look how shiny it is.
Howard Wolowitz: [sighs] Just tell your story.

Adult Sheldon: You know it's bleak when even a trip to RadioShack couldn't lift my spirits.
Announcer: Professor Proton will be right back after these messages.
[A recruitment commercial plays for the U.S. army]
Sheldon: Of course.
Adult Sheldon: I realized Professor Boucher was pushing me to be the best me I could be. You'd think the person who could teach me to be the best me I could be was me, but it was Professor Boucher, after the Army taught him to be the best he that he could be. Now it was up to me to help us be the best "we" we could be.

Sheldon: [knocks on door] Missy, I know you're upset. Would you like a hot beverage?
Missy: [o.s.] Go away.
Adult Sheldon: Every culture has their taboos. In the Ukraine, it's rude to whistle indoors, and they're correct. Not a fan. In our society, any discussion of human reproduction seems to be so upsetting, it causes nothing but chaos. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Sleepless nights. Even the word "sex" provokes an uncomfortable reaction. I thought "fornicate" might work, but that seemed too judgy. Then I found the perfect word, a word so bland and clinical that it would be impossible to take offense to it.
Sheldon: "Coitus." That'll work.

Adult Sheldon: Eventually, Dr. Linkletter admitted we could use the help of Dr. Sturgis, and Team Science was back in action, scoring goals against Team Ignorance. Look at me, talking like a jock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I see you came around to my idea for distinguishing massive particles from axion particles.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, it did provide an excellent jumping-off point for me to crack the actual problem.
Dr. John Sturgis: Seems the actual problem is your inability to recognize a brilliant idea when it's handed to you.
Dr. Linkletter: Is that so, you pedantic little gremlin?
Dr. John Sturgis: How dare you! Well, it's all just simple...
Adult Sheldon: My father was right. They were bringing the best out of each other, like steel sharpening steel.

Adult Sheldon: My father didn't always get the credit he deserved. The advice he gave me actually worked out pretty well. Of course, I never told him.
George Sr.: Talked to Billy.
Missy: Why would you do that?
George Sr.: No, it was good.
Missy: Stay out of my life.
Adult Sheldon: He may not have been the world's greatest dad. But maybe we weren't the world's greatest kids.

Adult Sheldon: In astronomy, a syzygy is a rare event when three or more celestial bodies line up.
You may also know it as the stars aligning, which was probably coined by someone who couldn't spell "syzygy." If you want to win Scrabble, remember this bad boy. My father's idea of the stars aligning was having the house completely to himself. I was at school, Missy was at a friend's, Georgie was working, and my mother was on her way to a church retreat.
[elsewhere:]
Mary: [sings] There was a God who had a son, and Jesus was his name-o ?
Pastor Jeff: [sings] J-E-S-U-S
Mary: [sings] J-E-S-U-S
Pastor Jeff: J-E-S-U-S
Mary: And Jesus was his name-o. [honks horn]
Adult Sheldon: For my father, it was sweet, Southern syzygy. S-Y-Z-Y-G-Y. Syzygy. [doorbell rings]
George Sr.: [sighs] Balls.

Adult Sheldon: There were plenty of reasons to be happy my sister moved out. She snored, she teased me. She left her dirty clothes everywhere. Clearly, I was better off without her.
[After Sheldon lays awake looking at the boxes where Missy's bed used to be, he goes and knocks on her bedroom door. Missy opens the door:]
Sheldon: Can I sleep on your floor?
Missy: Come on.

Adult Sheldon: I've always had a curious affinity for Laundromats. Perhaps it's the rows of mechanical devices dedicated to a cleaner world. Or maybe it's the hypnotic rotation of spinning clothes on their sudsy journey to a fluffy, stain-free future. Mmm, look at 'em. Where was I? Oh, yes. Laundromats. My meemaw also loved them, but for an entirely different reason.
Meemaw: Banana, banana... Whoo! [laughs]
Adult Sheldon: Personally, I don't care for bananas. It's a texture thing.

Adult Sheldon: In physics, potential energy is a fascinating topic. Objects like springs store energy when they're coiled, waiting to unleash their full potential and soar to the heavens. Would you look at me go! Even in toy form, I'm shooting for the stars. While the potential energy of an object can be measured in absolutes, human potential remains more elusive. Sometimes, people seem to have all the potential in the world, but for some reason stay stuck to the ground.

Adult Sheldon: Sundays were not my favorite day. In fact, the only light at the end of the tunnel was the wry musings of Andy Rooney at the end of 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney: [on TV] Noise is sound you don't want to hear. And of course, one person's sound is another person's noise.
Sheldon: So wry.
Adult Sheldon: The rest of the day was filled with football, church and the only school I didn't enjoy attending, Sunday school.

Adult Sheldon: Classical physics can predict a lot about the world. For example, it can tell us what happens when one pool ball knocks into another. But when multiple balls careen in different directions, we've entered the wild and woolly world of nonlinear dynamics. And you don't need me to tell you that it's impossible to predict what will happen next. Actually, based on the state of our educational system, you probably do. Now imagine those are people. Even a brilliant young ball who graduated high school at 11 can be caught in the maelstrom. Aah! Our first collision was set in motion when Pastor Jeff and Robin had their baby.

Adult Sheldon: I've never been good at sharing. I had to share a womb...
Missy: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
Sheldon: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
["Rico Suave" by Gerardo playing over headphones]
Adult Sheldon: ...a bedroom...
Missy: ♪ Rico...♪
Adult Sheldon: Even my train room had Georgie's sweaty weight bench in it.
George Jr.: Come on, George. One more. Feel the burn, big boy. Feel the burn.
Adult Sheldon: But when it came to academics, the spotlight was all mine.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, having you here has been a real boon to this university.
Adult Sheldon: [spotlight shines on Sheldon] I did love basking in its glow.
President Hagemeyer: So we could really use your help in raising the school's profile even higher.
Sheldon: Of course. My intellect is at your service.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. There is another young physics prodigy we want you to help us recruit. Her name is Paige Swanson. [electricity crackles]

Adult Sheldon: My sister had gotten into my head, but I needed a more reliable opinion than a magazine that included the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips.

Adult Sheldon: As long as humans have been on Earth, they've had to contend with viruses. And as long as I've been on Earth, I've come up with fun ways to avoid them.
[flashback:]
Dr. Linkletter: I've heard so much about you. [offers hand]
Sheldon: Apparently not how I feel about shaking hands.
Adult Sheldon: I wear personal protective equipment...
[flashback to Sheldon putting on mittens at the dinner table]
[flashback to Sheldon wearing an astronaut suit in his bubble:]
Mary: You come here right this instant.
Adult Sheldon: ...and I was social distancing before it was cool. But in the early '90s, a new type of virus became prevalent. One that no amount of hand-washing could stop. A computer virus.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Adult Sheldon: But let's back up and begin this story in a simpler time, before an insidious infection had upended my life.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, Tam showed up with the bootleg copy of Railroad Kingdom. I wore my mittens so as not to leave fingerprints, in case it was ever used as evidence against me. Also, Tam had pulled it out of his gym bag. Ugh. I knew it was wrong, but listen to that seductive theme song.