Adult Sheldon: In Texas, the Holy Trinity is God, football and barbeque, not necessarily in that order.

Adult Sheldon: Many years later, my brother would use this same argument in front of a judge. He was still convicted for urinating in a phone booth.

Adult Sheldon: For the next five weeks, I continued to help my father apply statistics to coach his team. Not surprisingly, they continued to win, which changed my status in the school dramatically. It was a nightmare. Hugging, hair tousling, high fives. And as my popularity grew, so did my time aloft.

Adult Sheldon: Somehow, my parents didn't find out about me partying heartily. But I did pay a price for burning the candle at both ends. I made a mistake on a math test. In my exhaustion, I did all the calculations in my head, and, like a common zoo animal, forgot to show my work.

Adult Sheldon: Extricating myself from this situation was not going to be easy. My father was counting on me, Meemaw was counting on me, the school was counting on me. After much thought, I decided to employ the one strategic maneuver I knew I could count on. I tattled.

Adult Sheldon: For the record, the Oilers lost that game by four touchdowns. Meemaw never asked for my advice again.

Adult Sheldon: Fun fact the first time I almost died was at the age of nine. The murder weapon? A Jimmy Dean sausage.

Adult Sheldon: In fairness to Mr. Dean, this one morning, I decided to forgo my normal 20 chews per bite, as prescribed by the American Medical Association.

Adult Sheldon: It's interesting the things you think about when life is ebbing from your body. For instance, linoleum. What is it, really? Plastic? And if so, how is it different from Formica?

Adult Sheldon: And what about Count Chocula? How is he a count? Did the title come with land?

Adult Sheldon: My mother and father saw that I'd been traumatized and were patient and understanding about my fear of eating solid foods. This lasted one more day.

Adult Sheldon: My mother managed to locate a family psychiatrist within our price range. No one seemed to be bothered that he had a coupon in The Pennysaver.

Adult Sheldon: I didn't have to read many comic books to understand that every superhero had a weakness, something they had to overcome through an extraordinary act of courage. For Cyclops, it was the loss of Jean Grey. For Rogue, it was human touch. For me, it was food that required chewing. So if I truly was a mutant, I would have to do the same. On this day, I would not be defeated. Because this was the day I became The Chewer.

Adult Sheldon: Just like that, I overcame my fear of choking. All that was left was my fear of dogs, birds, insects, germs, hugging, button fly pants, rivers, ponds, lakes, oceans, estuaries, corduroy, root vegetables, squeaky balloons, tinted windows, take a penny, leave a penny, fireworks, potbelly stoves, dust bunnies, that fuzz on peaches.

Adult Sheldon: I tried to explain to my parents that a mutant named Cyclops, who shoots laser beams out of his eyes, helped me eat a licorice stick. Went right over their heads.

Adult Sheldon: My father took pride in saying that he ran our house like a tight ship. The ship got a lot looser when my meemaw came over to babysit.

Adult Sheldon: Meemaw liked to teach me things that kept me awake at night.

Adult Sheldon: But I wasn't a good sport. At that moment, I vowed to come back the following Sunday and destroy Pastor Jeff.

Adult Sheldon: I've often been asked why I never learned to drive a car. This night is your answer.

Adult Sheldon: Despite what it looks like, I didn't pray to God that night. I prayed to Blaise Pascal. My thinking was, if he was right about the existence of God, then he could pass along my request for my dad to get better. If he was wrong - well in this moment, I needed him to be right.