Sheldon Quotes
Quote from the episode A Nuclear Reactor and a Boy Called Lovey
Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to speak to Arthur Jeffries. He plays Professor Proton. But you probably know that, since you answer the phone at the station that makes the show, you lucky duck.
Then I'd like to leave him another message. Please tell him Sheldon Cooper called again and that I've successfully obtained the radioactive material that I'm looking for. Yes, americium-241. I have lots of it. I live at 5501 Grant Avenue, Medford, Texas. If you're sending me an autographed picture, I already have one. Ooh, how about one of his bow ties?
Quote from the episode A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
Sheldon: Is this man gonna make me eat solid foods?
Mary: No, he just wants to talk to you about it.
Sheldon: Did you tell him I have a lot to accomplish in my life and cannot afford to be killed by an unchewed sausage?
Mary: Not in those exact words.
Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat
[As Sheldon finally retrieves the errant piece of hot dog meat from under the refrigerator:]
Sheldon: Whew. That was driving me crazy. Thank you for getting me into college.
Quote from the episode A Rival Prodigy and Sir Isaac Neutron
Meemaw: Awful quiet back there.
Sheldon: I'm having an emotion I'm unfamiliar with.
Meemaw: Hmm. Think it might have something to do with your new classmate?
Sheldon: It's possible. She's the only variable in the social equation.
Meemaw: So what are you feeling?
Sheldon: My face is hot, I've a knot in my stomach, and I'm resisting the urge to kick your seat right now.
Meemaw: I'm thinking it might be jealousy.
Sheldon: No, that's not in my nature.
Meemaw: All right, let's go through all the emotions. I'm looking at your face, so I'm gonna rule out happy. Are you sad?
Sheldon: No, there's too much anger in there.
Meemaw: Oh, well, maybe you're angry.
Sheldon: No, there's too much sad in there.
Quote from the episode Family Dynamics and a Red Fiero
Sheldon: Are we sleeping there? Do I need to bring pajamas?
George Jr.: Just sleep in your underwear.
Sheldon: In my underwear? I hardly think so.
Quote from the episode Bible Camp and a Chariot of Love
Sheldon: Why would Paige get competitive over Bible trivia? She doesn't care about that.
Mary: Maybe she just wanted that bookmark.
Missy: Yeah. I wanted this "what would Jesus do?" slap bracelet. Ow.
Sheldon: I liked it better when she and I were making fun of everything.
Mary: You might have more fun if you participated, too.
Sheldon: Oh, I'll participate.
Mary: Great.
Sheldon: If Paige wants to go head-to-head on Bible trivia, she picked the wrong fact-filled atheist to mess with.
Mary: [quietly] Great.
Quote from the episode A Tummy Ache and a Whale of a Metaphor
Mary: Sheldon, I just got off the phone with that nurse from the hospital. Your little roommate's gonna be just fine.
Sheldon: Oh, good. That's a relief.
Mary: Would you like to go visit him?
Sheldon: No. Why?
Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat
Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George Sr.: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George Sr.: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George Sr.: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.
Quote from the episode A Secret Letter and a Lowly Disc of Processed Meat
Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George Sr.: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
Zero: Shall we give him the final piece of information that unlocks the secret of the universe?
One: Why not? At least one human being should know the reason for everything.
Zero: Sheldon, before the universe began-
George Jr.: Hey, dummy. You're drooling all over your books.
Sheldon: Huh? No. Zero was about to tell me the secret and you ruined it.
Quote from the episode A Perfect Score and a Bunsen Burner Marshmallow
Sheldon: As smart as I am, I tried to put out a fire with oxygen and paper.
Quote from the episode Cowboy Aerobics and 473 Grease-Free Bolts
Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Can I be your lab assistant?
Dr. Linkletter: What time is it?
Sheldon: That's not a no.
Dr. Linkletter: If I say yes, will you please stop hounding me?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine. You win. Good night.
Sheldon: Just out of scientific curiosity, were you persuaded by the disorienting nature of this late-night phone call or by the cumulative weight of my relentlessness?
Dr. Linkletter: That one. [hangs up]
Adult Sheldon: I learned an important lesson that night. When you want something, relentlessly annoying is your road to victory.
Quote from the episode A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
Sheldon: Missy said that Meemaw is upset at Dr. Sturgis.
Mary: Don't worry, she'll get over it.
Sheldon: The question is will she get over it by Friday at 4:00 p.m.? That's when we leave for my class.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly.
Sheldon: I suppose she could drop me off outside. Where are we on me walking through parking lots alone these days?
Mary: How about this? Um, until she's up to it, I'll take you.
Sheldon: Thanks. The parking lot still gives me the willies.
Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster
Sheldon: [choking] There's lemon in this water.
Quote from the episode An Eagle Feather, a String Bean, and an Eskimo
Coach Wilkins: 20 laps. Cooper?
Sheldon: If you're going to ask us to run, don't you think you should lead by example?
Quote from the episode A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
Sheldon: When the Aggies give up the ball on their own five-yard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring. When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring. But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.
Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
Dr. John Sturgis: It's so good to see you.
Sheldon: I don't normally do this, but put her there.
Dr. John Sturgis: No mitten. I'm honored.
Quote from the episode The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian
Sheldon: I can't remember what the zeroes of the Bessel function are.
Dr. Linkletter: You didn't memorize them?
Sheldon: Of course I did... October 7th, 1988. I had just had a bowl of Teddy Grahams.
Dr. Linkletter: Then what's the problem?
Sheldon: I'm blanking, but I'll get it.
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry, son, class is over.
Sheldon: No, I can do this.
Dr. Linkletter: It's just one question. You'll still pass.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper doesn't "just pass."
Dr. Linkletter: I have an idea. Let me see the test. [Sheldon hands him the test] Thank you.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper isn't always that gullible.
Dr. Linkletter: He was today.
Quote from the episode The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian
Sheldon: Missy! You gave me your yips.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: I froze on a test. That's never happened before. It's all your fault.
Missy: I told you it's not contagious.
Sheldon: You put the thought in my head. The power of suggestion is very real. Case in point: tulip mania.
Missy: Here we go.
Sheldon: Tulip mania was an insane desire to buy and trade tulip bulbs in the 1600s. It nearly ruined the Dutch economy. You would not believe the gilders they were spending.
Quote from the episode A Therapist, a Comic Book, and a Breakfast Sausage
Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late. I have a note.
Ms. MacElroy: You poor thing, you had a medical emergency?
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. I choked on a sausage. [laughter]
Boy: How big was it?
Sheldon: About yay big. [laughter]
Adult Sheldon: To this day, I still don't understand why they were laughing.
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