Sheldon: "And finally, both parties agree the loser will do the activity selected by the winner graciously, without complaint. For the purpose of this agreement, a complaint is defined as any disparaging comment, eye rolls or name calling, including but not limited to: 'dingus, ' 'fartbreath' and 'buttwipe.'"

Missy: Come on.
Sheldon: I don't want to.
Missy: Just one more time.
Sheldon: Fine.
Both: Rock, paper, scissors, candy, pony!
Sheldon: Rock trips pony. I win.
Missy: How do you keep winning?
Sheldon: You keep picking pony.

Georgie: Hey, what you doing?
Sheldon: Playing a historically accurate game called The Oregon Trail.
Georgie: That sounds boring.
Sheldon: Hardly. My wagon broke an axle, and my wife died of dysentery.
Georgie: Well, can you pause it for a sec?
Sheldon: It does seems rude to push on to Oregon while my daughter Mabel is mourning the loss of her mother.

Keith: How about we work in my dorm tomorrow?
Mary: Um, I don't know if a dormitory is the right environment for someone his age.
Sheldon: If you're worried about the beer-drinking, Dad has thoroughly desensitized me.

Mary: How about you all come work at our house?
Sam: I guess if that's our only option.
Mary: It'll be fun. I'll make food. You can even bring your laundry.
Keith: That actually would be great.
Sheldon: Now this man's soiled underpants will be in my kitchen. Thank you.

Sheldon: Dad, good news. Airline tickets to California are more affordable than you think.
George: Sheldon, we're not going.
Mary: What's all this about?
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking is giving a lecture at Caltech. If we leave on Wednesday and are willing to make four layovers, in Boise, Denver, Albuquerque and Fargo, we can get there for only $95 each.

George: I have a job. I can't just leave in the middle of the week.
Sheldon: Well, then what about Mom?
Mary: Sorry, Shelly, we're not in a position to do this.
Sheldon: But Stephen Hawking's my hero. Imagine if you got a chance to see Jesus or Dad got to meet the man who invented beer.

Sheldon: Did he apologize?
Mary: No. He is very upset with you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm upset with him.
Mary: That doesn't excuse you from trying to get him in trouble by calling Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Who else was I supposed to tattle to? I doubt his mother's still alive.

Mary: Sheldon, I understand why you're upset, but you still owe him an apology.
Sheldon: Then you don't understand.
Mary: Well, for now, it sounds like you two could use a little quiet time.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll switch over to Dr. Linkletter's class. He's a foot taller than Sturgis and can reach more of the chalkboard.

Sheldon: There's no telling who could buy that house! What if they have dogs? What if they have birds? What if they have both and the birds learned to bark like dogs?
Mary: Sheldon, you're gettin' yourself all worked up.
Sheldon: For good reason... that house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows what kind of smells could jump the gap? Uh, cigarette smoke, a scented candle, a durian?
Mary: What's a durian?
Sheldon: A vile-smelling fruit of the genus Durio.
Mary: When did you smell that?
Sheldon: I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Mary: It might be nice. It might be a family with kids your age.
Sheldon: I already live with a kid my age... not a fan!

Mary: Mr. Lundy? Come in. What brings you here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the listing agent on the house next door.
Mary: But I thought you were a teacher and a...
Mr. Lundy: And an actor, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get your son out of my open house.
Mary: Why, what's he doin'?
Mr. Lundy: Well...
[flashback montage:]
Sheldon: I noticed there's hair on your coat. Clearly yours is falling out, but do you also have pets?
Sheldon: I detect a hint of garlic. Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods or are you afraid of vampires?
Sheldon: Is there any chance you're just fat?
[present:]
Mary: Oh, dear, I'll go get him.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you. Kind of a dump. But I could sell it.

Mr. Lundy: Sheldon, if you think you're gonna stop me from selling this house, you're wrong.
Sheldon: Oh, am I?
Mr. Lundy: They tried to stop me from staging The Crucible on roller skates. A lot of understudies went on that day... but so did the show.
Sheldon: You do not want me as an enemy. Or as a friend, sibling or student, I've been told.
Mr. Lundy: All right, look, if it's so important to you, why don't you just go out and find a buyer that you'd be happy with?
Sheldon: So if I find someone I deem acceptable, you'd sell them the house?
Mr. Lundy: If the bank approves, so do I.
Sheldon: Excellent. I wonder if Stephen Hawking would like Texas. It's very flat.

Ms. Hutchins: Hi, Sheldon, what can I do for you?
Sheldon: Do you have any books or videos on the Lamaze technique?
Ms. Hutchins: Uh-oh. Georgie get that girl pregnant?
Sheldon: It's for me. I need to have a tooth pulled, and I'd like to do it without putting my brain on drugs.
Ms. Hutchins: Okay.
Sheldon: I've seen that commercial with the egg in the frying pan. Very effective.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Dr. Bowers, it's Sheldon Cooper. I need you to administer more anesthesia to me. No, I don't have a dental problem. I need to reenter a trancelike state so I can communicate with Thoth, the god of knowledge. I would argue that the greatest discovery in physics is worth losing your dental license. Well, it's not my fault you let them publish your home phone number.

Missy: Interesting.
Sheldon: What does it say? No, don't tell me. Okay, tell me. No, don't!
Missy: Sheldon, if I tell you but you never look at it, then you didn't break the law, right?
[later:]
Janice: [answers phone] Law offices of Morris, Morris & Yorn. Janice speaking.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I'd like to speak to either Morris, Morris or Yorn.
Janice: May I ask what it is in regard to?
Sheldon: Well, I was slicing a hot dog...