President Hagemeyer: Well, then I guess we'll see who gets to market first.
Sheldon: I guess we will.
President Hagemeyer: Hmm. So, have you already started programming?
Sheldon: No.
President Hagemeyer: Do you have access to a mainframe?
Sheldon: That depends. Can I use the university's mainframe?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Then we're still figuring it out.
President Hagemeyer: I see.
Sheldon: Well, we already have a name, do you?
President Hagemeyer: As a matter of fact, we do. We're calling it Granted.
Sheldon: Ugh, that is such a good name.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And what's yours?
Sheldon: Never mind.

President Hagemeyer: And I guess that's why I'm here. You know, everybody's rolling out the red carpet for Sheldon, as they should. But, I mean, who's looking after your needs?
Mary: Our needs? I don't understand.
President Hagemeyer: Wouldn't you like all your children to be college graduates?
George: [laughs] Wait, are you serious?
President Hagemeyer: I am in a position to offer a full scholarship to Sheldon's twin sister, his older brother, and I understand there's a grandchild in the mix. Just imagine how expensive tuition will be 18 years from now.
Mary: Wow, that is very generous.
President Hagemeyer: No, no, no, I don't... I don't think so. No, I think it's just giving you good, hardworking folk what you deserve.
Mary: I don't know what to say.
George: Yeah, we... we'll have to talk it over a little.
Mary: At the end of the day, it's still Sheldon's decision.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, of course, but-but it's also a family decision, and that is what East Texas Tech is all about. Family. Or, as I like to say, kin.

President Hagemeyer: Wh-What am I looking at?
Sheldon: My proposal for next semester's curriculum on string theory. I may be leaving, but that doesn't mean you can't attract more brilliant minds by staying on the cutting edge.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, you are not a professor here.
Sheldon: Oh, I know. If I were to teach, it would be at a much better university than this one.
President Hagemeyer: And, in 54 days, you will no longer be a student here. Not that I'm counting.
Sheldon: True, we should relish these moments.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I'm relishing. Look at me relish.

President Hagemeyer: Anyway, it's okay to have complicated feelings. Maybe you're focusing on your parents' move because that's easier than focusing on what lies ahead.
Sheldon: What do you think lies ahead?
President Hagemeyer: I don't know. You're moving far away.
Sheldon: I am, and I don't know anyone there. And I'm scared of the ocean. And they have earthquakes. What am I doing? Maybe I should stay here.
President Hagemeyer: Oh. I mean... [scoffs] Well, you could, but... Er... Professor Hawking is at Caltech. He will be very disappointed if you don't show up and- and tell him that Sour Patch story.
Sheldon: Good point.
President Hagemeyer: Great point.
Sheldon: Plus, I'm never gonna win a Nobel Prize at this third-rate university.
President Hagemeyer: Second-rate. Now, get out of here. I don't want you to see me cry.
Sheldon: Thank you. I don't want to see that either.
[After Sheldon gets up and leaves, President Hagemeyer sighs and crosses out an other day on her May calendar.]
President Hagemeyer: One more down. You can do it, Linda.

Professor Boucher: You wanted to see me, ma'am?
President Hagemeyer: Hello, Professor Boucher. Please, come in, have a seat.
Professor Boucher: I'd prefer to stand.
President Hagemeyer: Oh. All right, uh, then, I will also stand. [chuckles] You know what, um, these are really not standing shoes, so I'm just gonna sit. I was hoping that we could have a little chat about Sheldon Cooper. [Boucher is silent] I'll start. Sheldon is a very important asset to this university. And we like to keep that little fella happy. But it seems that your teaching methods are making him unhappy. You understand?
Professor Boucher: Yes, ma'am, I do.
President Hagemeyer: Great.
Professor Boucher: You'd like me to turn his frown upside down.
President Hagemeyer: You know, when you say it, it sounds more chilling than fun. I'm just saying that he's a sensitive kid, and you are... Well, whatever this vibe is.
Professor Boucher: I understand.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent, so you'll take it easy on him?
Professor Boucher: No. I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't do that.
President Hagemeyer: You see, uh... all these "ma'ams," they sound polite, but then I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
Professor Boucher: Well, that's because you're not.
President Hagemeyer: You do realize that I'm your boss?
Professor Boucher: Yes, ma'am, I do. And do you realize that I have tenure?
President Hagemeyer: Ugh, tenure. What fun is it being president if I can't threaten people's jobs?
Professor Boucher: May I get back to class now?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, fine. And fall off, or whatever it is.
Professor Boucher: It's "dismissed," ma'am.
President Hagemeyer: Just go. [Boucher laughs softly] I heard that giggle.

Professor Boucher: You wanted to see me, ma'am?
President Hagemeyer: Professor. I understand you locked Sheldon out of class.
Professor Boucher: Well, he was late. That's my policy.
President Hagemeyer: I need you to do me a favor.
Professor Boucher: Yes?
President Hagemeyer: Tell me exactly what his face looked like when it happened.
Professor Boucher: Wh... Seriously?
President Hagemeyer: Oh... Paint me a picture. I want to feel like I was the one who closed that door.
Professor Boucher: Oh, I'm gonna sit for this. Okay, so he approached the door with that smug look he has.
President Hagemeyer: Ugh. I know it well.
Professor Boucher: Then, when he realized it was locked, his face fell into shock and disbelief.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs] Nice. Uh, show me. Do the face. [chuckles] [laughs] Oh, sir, you have turned my frown upside down.
Professor Boucher: You are welcome, ma'am. [laughs]

President Hagemeyer: [answers phone] President Hagemeyer.
Speaking device: Miss Hagemeyer, Stephen Hawking here.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, hello. I... I... Is this really Stephen Hawking?
Speaking device: Does it not sound like me? Sorry, I have a cold.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, uh...
Speaking device: That was a joke. Ha, ha, ha.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Uh... how can I help you, sir?
Speaking device: I received a letter from one of your students about the decision to reduce science requirements. Very disappointing.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I would never want to disappoint you, but that-that wasn't my decision.
Speaking device: Whose decision was it?
President Hagemeyer: The grand chancellor.
Speaking device: That is a lie.
President Hagemeyer: Yeah, yeah, that's a lie.
Speaking device: Has anyone ever called you President Hage-liar?

Sheldon: So you really thought you could tell us we were all in charge and we wouldn't figure it out?
President Hagemeyer: Well, in my defense, I said to each of you, "Let's keep this between us." I'm a little disappointed that you broke my trust.
Sheldon: That is true. We're sorry.
Dr. Linkletter: Don't apologize for that. We were being manipulated.
Dr. John Sturgis: You were the one who blabbed first.
Dr. Linkletter: That's because you kept slowing us down with your outmoded ideas.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could just follow my plan...
Dr. Sturgis & Dr. Linkletter: [in unison] No.

Dr. John Sturgis: So far, the data is extremely promising. Five microkelvin!
President Hagemeyer: Ah. Well, you seem excited, so... cool.

President Hagemeyer: Speaking of which, can I get you a beer? Y- You're a Lone Star man, right?
George: Matter of fact, I am.
Mary: George.
George: She offered. I don't want to be rude.
Mary: It's 11:00 a.m.
President Hagemeyer: Well, you just let me know. We'll get you anything you want.
Mary: We're fine, thank you.

President Hagemeyer: All right, just hold on. This is good for the university. This isn't about everybody getting a piece of the pie.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, really? In that contract, does she get a piece of the pie?
Ken: Uh...
President Hagemeyer: Don't answer that, attorney-client whatever.
Ken: Uh, technically my services are paid for by the uni...
President Hagemeyer: Shut up, Ken.

Dr. Linkletter: Linda, be reasonable.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] I am. After all the Sheldon I've put up with, I deserve this.
Dr. Linkletter: You deserve this? My office is basically his clubhouse.
President Hagemeyer: Okay, I tell you what I'll do. If Sheldon's okay with it, you're welcome to part of his cut.
Dr. Linkletter: That's not you doing anything.

President Hagemeyer: Okay, maybe I can sell this by saying that this is so advanced that even other brilliant scientists don't understand it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sexy.
Dr. Linkletter: [growls]
President Hagemeyer: Don't do that.

President Hagemeyer: So, this is the new physics curriculum I've developed for next year.
Dr. John Sturgis: Introduction to nonlinear sigma models? That's some pretty advanced stuff.
President Hagemeyer: And that's the point. Sheldon may be leaving, but we can attract the next brilliant mind if we stay on the cutting edge.
Dr. Linkletter: Couldn't agree more. In fact, John, why don't you take point on that nonlinear class and I'll teach, uh... Oh, so much here I've heard of. Which one do I pick?
President Hagemeyer: All right, if this material is too challenging for you, maybe I should rethink my faculty.
Dr. John Sturgis: What are you saying?
President Hagemeyer: Well, legally I can't say that I'm replacing you with someone younger, so I'm not saying that. Legally.
Dr. Linkletter: Nice try, but I have tenure.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't.
Dr. Linkletter: Tough luck.
President Hagemeyer: Another thing I'm not saying is that I'm going to put your office at the top of a flight of very steep stairs.