Sheldon: We have to keep fighting. If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek had given up, where would we be?
President Hagemeyer: Where would we be?
Sheldon: In a world without microscopes.
President Hagemeyer: Because that guy invented them?
Sheldon: Boy, did he. At least the first modern microscope. He's known as the father of microbiology. I have a good book on him I could loan you. Anyway, we can't give up.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, you are preaching to the choir, but... [scoffs] I mean, what can we do?
Sheldon: I could write to some science luminaries, try get them on our side. Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan. Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. He's dead.
President Hagemeyer: All right, but just on the off chance that they're too busy to reply, I think that you should get out there on campus, talk to students, change their minds.
Sheldon: One-on-one? That could take months.
President Hagemeyer: Great.

President Hagemeyer: You can't just barge into my office.
Sheldon: And you can't just lie to my face.
President Hagemeyer: I can and I did.
Sheldon: Well, I'm going to start calling you President Hage-liar, and I think it'll to catch on because it's both true and clever.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I know you're upset, but you left me no choice. I knew you'd be a pain in the ass about these cuts.
Sheldon: Language, and also, these cuts are detrimental on so many levels.
President Hagemeyer: Not to the university. Look... [sighs] My job means sometimes making very hard decisions. Now, I'm sorry that I lied to you, and-and if it helps, I didn't enjoy it.
Sheldon: Yes, you did.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Yes, I did. I mean, grand chancellor? [snorts] I really pulled that one out of my...
Sheldon: Ah-ah.
President Hagemeyer: ...bottom.

President Hagemeyer: But I thought you wanted Dr. Sturgis on this project.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll admit John has been useful, but now he's just slowing us down.
President Hagemeyer: Well, he keeps Sheldon happy, and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office.
President Hagemeyer: Eh, "dem's da breaks." [chuckles]

Dr. Linkletter: Thank you for understanding.
President Hagemeyer: And between us, I am counting on you being in charge.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
[cut to:]
President Hagemeyer: You're the alpha dog on this project.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very good. But shouldn't we tell everyone?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't be seen as playing favorites. But what's important is that I know and you know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Smart.
President Hagemeyer: But not as smart as you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. [laughs]

President Hagemeyer: Which is why, uh, just between us, I am counting on you to keep the train on the tracks.
Sheldon: Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence. And the sweet train metaphor.
President Hagemeyer: Well, good. You know, I just want you to be happy.
Sheldon: I guess in a way I'm kind of like the son you never had.
President Hagemeyer: Sure.
Sheldon: Which is nice, because you're far too old to have children now.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs softly] And you make me feel okay about that.
Sheldon: Wait.

Dr. Linkletter: You're wasting valuable time.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not, you are.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could please keep this train on the tracks...
Dr. Linkletter: We'll be on track if we follow my plan, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Insist? You're not the alpha dog around here.
Sheldon: I agree.
Dr. Linkletter: This may be hard for both of you to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know for a fact that isn't true, because she put me in charge.
Sheldon: We may have a problem.
[cut to Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter in President Hagemeyer's office:]
President Hagemeyer: What can I say? I tried something. [laughs softly]

President Hagemeyer: Well, here's to male egos and all the fun that comes with them. [chuckles]
Dr. Lee: [sighs] You've had to deal with that a lot, huh?
President Hagemeyer: The first month I was here, people kept assuming I was the president's secretary.
Dr. Lee: Did you correct them?
President Hagemeyer: No, I just told them that the president was too busy to see them and then I cut their funding.
Dr. Lee: [laughs] That must have felt good.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, it was like taking off my bra at the end of a long day.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: But I don't have to tell you.

Dr. Lee: Can you believe there were only three women in my major?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, at least you had each other.
Dr. Lee: Those bitches? Pass.
President Hagemeyer: What about the guys?
Dr. Lee: Either too scared to talk to me or trying to talk me into being horizontal.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, yeah, I hear that.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: Mm.
Dr. Lee: I've even had projects sabotaged just to make me look bad.
President Hagemeyer: You're kidding.
Dr. Lee: Nope.

Dr. Linkletter: On to more pressing matters. Does Sheldon Cooper have to come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Shouldn't he? He is part of the team.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't there some rule against minors traveling?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Can there be?
President Hagemeyer: No, it's better for the project if he's out there in the field with you.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't it better for his education if he stays here in class?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I think that a trip like this could be very educational in its own way.
Dr. Linkletter: Mm. You just don't want him around here bugging you.
President Hagemeyer: Winner winner he's-going-with-you dinner.

President Hagemeyer: ...we don't have a football team anymore.
George: What? You're a university in Texas.
President Hagemeyer: We are a science-focused university.
George: But you got that whole stadium.
President Hagemeyer: Well, we still have soccer. Oh. What-what about Texas A&M? Pretty sure they have a football program.
George: Yeah, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll try the Cowboys.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, reach for the stars. [chuckles]

President Hagemeyer: All right, now, Sheldon... [chuckles] being a grown-up isn't all bad, right?
Dr. Linkletter: Eh.
President Hagemeyer: I mean, yeah, sure, your... you know, your body starts to fall apart. But there is a window at about, mm, 22 where everything's just... mwah.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, when I was 22, I was a strapping blonde oak of a man. I'd walk down the street, you could hear the knees buckle.
President Hagemeyer: If I could go back, I would wear nothing but a bikini, 24/7.
Dr. Linkletter: My mind was a steel trap. I could rattle off pi to 25 places. Today... not sure where I parked.
President Hagemeyer: I once went to France for a month with a man I met in the airport bar. [sighs] Missed my grandmother's funeral, but... ooh, la-la.
Dr. Linkletter: It all went by so fast.
President Hagemeyer: Too fast.
Sheldon: I'm new to puberty. Is this sexual tension?

President Hagemeyer: So, our next step is we get legal involved and start drawing up the contracts.
Sheldon: Shouldn't we build a working prototype first to prove it's viable?
President Hagemeyer: Well, do you think it's viable?
Sheldon: I do.
President Hagemeyer: Well, that's good enough for me. I'll call legal.
Sheldon: Wait, what should I do?
President Hagemeyer: Uh... Here's a dollar. Go get yourself a Yoo-hoo on me.
Sheldon: All right. [exits] [Hagemeyer picks up the phone]

George: So, you really think this invention of Sheldon's could be worth something?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, who knows? Uh, most of the time, these things don't pan out. Could be something, probably nothing. Uh, that's just a formality.
Sheldon: But you said my grant database would make the university "boatloads of money."
President Hagemeyer: Well, that doesn't mean anything. Boats can be small. Ever hear of a canoe? Anyway, who needs a pen?

Mary: We want to make sure that Sheldon is being treated fairly.
George: Yeah, maybe we should get our own lawyer to take a look at this before we sign anything.
Mary: Can we afford a lawyer?
[George and Mary look to Sheldon, who shakes his head]
George: Okay, w- we're gonna need some time to get back to you.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. You take all the time you need. You know, just because of all the nice things we've done for your son and for your family, no need to start trusting us now.
Sheldon: She took that better than I thought.

President Hagemeyer: Ah, just the young genius I was hoping to see. Look, I've heard from your parents' lawyer, and I'm a little concerned that this whole thing is getting out of hand.
Sheldon: How so?
President Hagemeyer: Well, you know, lawyers get involved and everything slows down and, well, I'm just worried that someone else might come up with the same idea in the meantime.
Sheldon: I didn't think of that. We should get started.
President Hagemeyer: I agree, but, well, we can't get started until the paperwork is signed. Ugh! Those darn lawyers.
Sheldon: Well, how can we fix this?
President Hagemeyer: Hmm. Well, I guess if you could, well, convince your parents to sign, then we could get rolling. And to make it worth your while, how about we put your name on one of these buildings? How would you feel about "Sheldon Cooper Science Center"?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Did you say, "Sheldon Cooper Science Center," or "Sheldon Cooper's Science Center"?
President Hagemeyer: Well, which do you like?
Sheldon: I prefer the possessive. It makes it much more mine.
President Hagemeyer: Then "Sheldon Cooper's Science Center" it is. [chuckles] So, do we have a deal?
Sheldon: Okay.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Now get out of here before I pinch those cheeks.