Sheldon: I need telescope time to search for exoplanets, and Dr. Linkletter and Dr. Sturgis have denied my request.
President Hagemeyer: Why?
Sheldon: They said that kind of research would expose both me and the university to criticism.
President Hagemeyer: [stifled laugh] Well, that's outrageous.
Sheldon: So, you'll give me access?
President Hagemeyer: Gosh, no. I want to, but... I'm just the president. [chuckles] Use of the telescope has to be approved by a... science advisor.
Sheldon: Is that true?
President Hagemeyer: Does it sound true?
Sheldon: I suppose it does.
President Hagemeyer: Then I suppose it is.
Sheldon: Why did I even come to you?
President Hagemeyer: [gasps] Remember that next time.

Sheldon: President Hagemeyer, we have a problem.
President Hagemeyer: What now, Sheldon? The Yoo-hoos in the vending machine aren't cold enough?
Sheldon: Actually, they aren't, but we'll table that for later.

Sheldon: So, as you can see on the chart on page 34, the amount of time spent searching for grants would be cut by 80%. Do you see what this could do for the scientific community?
President Hagemeyer: Yes. [gasps] We could charge an access fee to every university on the planet, and I can retire on a yacht in the Bahamas.
Sheldon: You're missing the point.
President Hagemeyer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, good for science. I love it.

Dr. Linkletter: I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis?
Dr. Linkletter: Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
[cut to:]
Dr. John Sturgis: He's not interested in anyone else's input.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?
Dr. John Sturgis: Linkletter.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, got it. Continue.

Dr. John Sturgis: I was brought in to help but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Dr. Linkletter: Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Sheldon: There was a time when their arguing brought out the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.

President Hagemeyer: Oh, you want to play hardball? We can do that, too. You see, Sheldon gets a lot of perks at this university that could go away real fast.
Sheldon: But I like my perks.
President Hagemeyer: How would you like to have a roommate or two in that dorm room of yours?
Sheldon: Let's give her what she wants.
Dr. John Sturgis: Stay strong.

George: Thank you for seeing me, President Hagemeyer.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. My door is open to all Coopers. Even Alice Cooper, who I've always found oddly sexy.
George: Don't think we're related, but if I meet him, I'll let him know. [chuckles]

Dr. Linkletter: You're wasting valuable time.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not, you are.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could please keep this train on the tracks...
Dr. Linkletter: We'll be on track if we follow my plan, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Insist? You're not the alpha dog around here.
Sheldon: I agree.
Dr. Linkletter: This may be hard for both of you to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know for a fact that isn't true, because she put me in charge.
Sheldon: We may have a problem.
[cut to Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter in President Hagemeyer's office:]
President Hagemeyer: What can I say? I tried something. [laughs softly]

President Hagemeyer: Ah, just the young genius I was hoping to see. Look, I've heard from your parents' lawyer, and I'm a little concerned that this whole thing is getting out of hand.
Sheldon: How so?
President Hagemeyer: Well, you know, lawyers get involved and everything slows down and, well, I'm just worried that someone else might come up with the same idea in the meantime.
Sheldon: I didn't think of that. We should get started.
President Hagemeyer: I agree, but, well, we can't get started until the paperwork is signed. Ugh! Those darn lawyers.
Sheldon: Well, how can we fix this?
President Hagemeyer: Hmm. Well, I guess if you could, well, convince your parents to sign, then we could get rolling. And to make it worth your while, how about we put your name on one of these buildings? How would you feel about "Sheldon Cooper Science Center"?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Did you say, "Sheldon Cooper Science Center," or "Sheldon Cooper's Science Center"?
President Hagemeyer: Well, which do you like?
Sheldon: I prefer the possessive. It makes it much more mine.
President Hagemeyer: Then "Sheldon Cooper's Science Center" it is. [chuckles] So, do we have a deal?
Sheldon: Okay.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Now get out of here before I pinch those cheeks.

Sheldon: So, you're gonna keep the science requirements the same?
President Hagemeyer: If it were up to me, yes.
Sheldon: But you're the president.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone has a boss, Sheldon. Now, unfortunately, I have to answer to the... grand chancellor.
Sheldon: Oh. I've never heard of him.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, well, he definitely exists.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should speak with him.
President Hagemeyer: I appreciate that, but this is my fight... Win or lose... and I'll probably lose, but I am gonna go down swinging, I promise you that.
Sheldon: Can I help?
President Hagemeyer: Absolutely. I need you to put together a report backing up our position. Charts, graphs... the whole shebang.
Sheldon: Hmm. Charts and graphs of what?
President Hagemeyer: [stammers] Am I helping you or are you helping me?
Sheldon: Uh, of course. I'll figure it out.
President Hagemeyer: I know you will. Okay, now, get out of here. You have a lot of work to do.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. [exits]
President Hagemeyer: [sighs] [picks up liquor decanter] Kid makes me thirsty.

Sheldon: We have to keep fighting. If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek had given up, where would we be?
President Hagemeyer: Where would we be?
Sheldon: In a world without microscopes.
President Hagemeyer: Because that guy invented them?
Sheldon: Boy, did he. At least the first modern microscope. He's known as the father of microbiology. I have a good book on him I could loan you. Anyway, we can't give up.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, you are preaching to the choir, but... [scoffs] I mean, what can we do?
Sheldon: I could write to some science luminaries, try get them on our side. Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan. Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. He's dead.
President Hagemeyer: All right, but just on the off chance that they're too busy to reply, I think that you should get out there on campus, talk to students, change their minds.
Sheldon: One-on-one? That could take months.
President Hagemeyer: Great.

Sheldon: And do you really want to be the president of a university that is responsible for the dumbing down of scientific discourse on this campus?
President Hagemeyer: I totally agree with you.
Sheldon: You do?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, it's an outrage. I came here to make this school the Harvard of East Texas. Not the... Wh-What's your least favorite school?
Sheldon: MIT.
President Hagemeyer: Not the MIT of East Texas.
Sheldon: Nice dig at MIT.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Well, they deserve it.

Dr. Lee: Can you believe there were only three women in my major?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, at least you had each other.
Dr. Lee: Those bitches? Pass.
President Hagemeyer: What about the guys?
Dr. Lee: Either too scared to talk to me or trying to talk me into being horizontal.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, yeah, I hear that.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: Mm.
Dr. Lee: I've even had projects sabotaged just to make me look bad.
President Hagemeyer: You're kidding.
Dr. Lee: Nope.

Dr. Linkletter: On to more pressing matters. Does Sheldon Cooper have to come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Shouldn't he? He is part of the team.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't there some rule against minors traveling?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Can there be?
President Hagemeyer: No, it's better for the project if he's out there in the field with you.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't it better for his education if he stays here in class?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I think that a trip like this could be very educational in its own way.
Dr. Linkletter: Mm. You just don't want him around here bugging you.
President Hagemeyer: Winner winner he's-going-with-you dinner.

President Hagemeyer: ...we don't have a football team anymore.
George: What? You're a university in Texas.
President Hagemeyer: We are a science-focused university.
George: But you got that whole stadium.
President Hagemeyer: Well, we still have soccer. Oh. What-what about Texas A&M? Pretty sure they have a football program.
George: Yeah, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll try the Cowboys.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, reach for the stars. [chuckles]

President Hagemeyer: All right, now, Sheldon... [chuckles] being a grown-up isn't all bad, right?
Dr. Linkletter: Eh.
President Hagemeyer: I mean, yeah, sure, your... you know, your body starts to fall apart. But there is a window at about, mm, 22 where everything's just... mwah.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, when I was 22, I was a strapping blonde oak of a man. I'd walk down the street, you could hear the knees buckle.
President Hagemeyer: If I could go back, I would wear nothing but a bikini, 24/7.
Dr. Linkletter: My mind was a steel trap. I could rattle off pi to 25 places. Today... not sure where I parked.
President Hagemeyer: I once went to France for a month with a man I met in the airport bar. [sighs] Missed my grandmother's funeral, but... ooh, la-la.
Dr. Linkletter: It all went by so fast.
President Hagemeyer: Too fast.
Sheldon: I'm new to puberty. Is this sexual tension?

President Hagemeyer: So, our next step is we get legal involved and start drawing up the contracts.
Sheldon: Shouldn't we build a working prototype first to prove it's viable?
President Hagemeyer: Well, do you think it's viable?
Sheldon: I do.
President Hagemeyer: Well, that's good enough for me. I'll call legal.
Sheldon: Wait, what should I do?
President Hagemeyer: Uh... Here's a dollar. Go get yourself a Yoo-hoo on me.
Sheldon: All right. [exits] [Hagemeyer picks up the phone]

President Hagemeyer: Well, then I guess we'll see who gets to market first.
Sheldon: I guess we will.
President Hagemeyer: Hmm. So, have you already started programming?
Sheldon: No.
President Hagemeyer: Do you have access to a mainframe?
Sheldon: That depends. Can I use the university's mainframe?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Then we're still figuring it out.
President Hagemeyer: I see.
Sheldon: Well, we already have a name, do you?
President Hagemeyer: As a matter of fact, we do. We're calling it Granted.
Sheldon: Ugh, that is such a good name.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And what's yours?
Sheldon: Never mind.

George: So, you really think this invention of Sheldon's could be worth something?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, who knows? Uh, most of the time, these things don't pan out. Could be something, probably nothing. Uh, that's just a formality.
Sheldon: But you said my grant database would make the university "boatloads of money."
President Hagemeyer: Well, that doesn't mean anything. Boats can be small. Ever hear of a canoe? Anyway, who needs a pen?

Mary: We want to make sure that Sheldon is being treated fairly.
George: Yeah, maybe we should get our own lawyer to take a look at this before we sign anything.
Mary: Can we afford a lawyer?
[George and Mary look to Sheldon, who shakes his head]
George: Okay, w- we're gonna need some time to get back to you.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. You take all the time you need. You know, just because of all the nice things we've done for your son and for your family, no need to start trusting us now.
Sheldon: She took that better than I thought.