Sheldon: I need telescope time to search for exoplanets, and Dr. Linkletter and Dr. Sturgis have denied my request.
President Hagemeyer: Why?
Sheldon: They said that kind of research would expose both me and the university to criticism.
President Hagemeyer: [stifled laugh] Well, that's outrageous.
Sheldon: So, you'll give me access?
President Hagemeyer: Gosh, no. I want to, but... I'm just the president. [chuckles] Use of the telescope has to be approved by a... science advisor.
Sheldon: Is that true?
President Hagemeyer: Does it sound true?
Sheldon: I suppose it does.
President Hagemeyer: Then I suppose it is.
Sheldon: Why did I even come to you?
President Hagemeyer: [gasps] Remember that next time.

Dr. John Sturgis: I was brought in to help but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Dr. Linkletter: Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Sheldon: There was a time when their arguing brought out the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.

Sheldon: President Hagemeyer, we have a problem.
President Hagemeyer: What now, Sheldon? The Yoo-hoos in the vending machine aren't cold enough?
Sheldon: Actually, they aren't, but we'll table that for later.

Dr. Linkletter: I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis?
Dr. Linkletter: Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
[cut to:]
Dr. John Sturgis: He's not interested in anyone else's input.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?
Dr. John Sturgis: Linkletter.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, got it. Continue.

Sheldon: So, as you can see on the chart on page 34, the amount of time spent searching for grants would be cut by 80%. Do you see what this could do for the scientific community?
President Hagemeyer: Yes. [gasps] We could charge an access fee to every university on the planet, and I can retire on a yacht in the Bahamas.
Sheldon: You're missing the point.
President Hagemeyer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, good for science. I love it.

President Hagemeyer: Oh, you want to play hardball? We can do that, too. You see, Sheldon gets a lot of perks at this university that could go away real fast.
Sheldon: But I like my perks.
President Hagemeyer: How would you like to have a roommate or two in that dorm room of yours?
Sheldon: Let's give her what she wants.
Dr. John Sturgis: Stay strong.

President Hagemeyer: We have other cards to play. Uh... we're near his family, and he loves you two... God knows why... and most importantly, he hates change.
Dr. Linkletter: I changed deodorants once. He made me change it back. Apparently, I smelled too outdoorsy.
President Hagemeyer: All right, look, we-we've been catering to Sheldon and his family for years, so let's take advantage of what we know and use it to keep him at East Texas Tech.
Dr. John Sturgis: His mother is very religious. Someone might mention Caltech was founded by a Satanist.
President Hagemeyer: Good, good. Wait-wait, is that true? Actually, I don't care. We're using it.
Dr. Linkletter: It is true.
President Hagemeyer: And again, I don't care. So, what else we got?

President Hagemeyer: Howdy.
Mary: Well, howdy yourself.
President Hagemeyer: Is this a bad time?
Mary: No, but Sheldon's not here, if you were hoping to talk to him.
President Hagemeyer: No, I was fixing to talk to you and your hubby.
Mary: Come on in.
President Hagemeyer: I brought you some pecan pie and some beer to wash it down.
Mary: You didn't have to do that.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, it's no problem. It's my ding-dang pleasure.
Mary: Okay. George?

George: President Hagemeyer. This is a real honor, having you visit.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, stop it with that President nonsense. It's Linda... y'all.
Mary: Okay, Linda, so how can we help you?
President Hagemeyer: No, no, no, how can I help you?
George: Gee, I don't know. Rain gutters could use cleaning.
Mary: George.
George: Just a joke.
President Hagemeyer: Well, it doesn't have to be. You got a ladder and some gloves, I'm your gal.

President Hagemeyer: Okay, stop. You know, I've always gone out of my way to do anything to make you happy.
Sheldon: I love that about you.
President Hagemeyer: But... how can I say this nicely... you're Caltech's problem now, so, yay. [chuckles]

George: Thank you for seeing me, President Hagemeyer.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. My door is open to all Coopers. Even Alice Cooper, who I've always found oddly sexy.
George: Don't think we're related, but if I meet him, I'll let him know. [chuckles]

Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know what to tell you, Linda. We begged him to stay.
Dr. Linkletter: I got down on my knees, and, well, John was already there.
Dr. John Sturgis: We did everything we could to keep him.
President Hagemeyer: I wore a cowboy hat and offered a scholarship to a baby.
Dr. Linkletter: Ooh. You win.
President Hagemeyer: Damn straight.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'd like to propose a toast. To our complete and utter lack of integrity.
Dr. Linkletter: [chuckles] Hear, hear.
President Hagemeyer: Hear, hear.

Mary: [answers phone] Hello.
President Hagemeyer: Hi. This is Linda Hagemeyer from the university. Is this Mrs. Cooper?
Mary: Yes, it is.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Did the Strawberry Quik arrive?
Mary: As a matter of fact, it did.
President Hagemeyer: Sounds like nasty stuff, but, hey, whatever floats the little guy's boat, right?

Sheldon: And do you really want to be the president of a university that is responsible for the dumbing down of scientific discourse on this campus?
President Hagemeyer: I totally agree with you.
Sheldon: You do?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, it's an outrage. I came here to make this school the Harvard of East Texas. Not the... Wh-What's your least favorite school?
Sheldon: MIT.
President Hagemeyer: Not the MIT of East Texas.
Sheldon: Nice dig at MIT.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Well, they deserve it.

Sheldon: So, you're gonna keep the science requirements the same?
President Hagemeyer: If it were up to me, yes.
Sheldon: But you're the president.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone has a boss, Sheldon. Now, unfortunately, I have to answer to the... grand chancellor.
Sheldon: Oh. I've never heard of him.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, well, he definitely exists.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should speak with him.
President Hagemeyer: I appreciate that, but this is my fight... Win or lose... and I'll probably lose, but I am gonna go down swinging, I promise you that.
Sheldon: Can I help?
President Hagemeyer: Absolutely. I need you to put together a report backing up our position. Charts, graphs... the whole shebang.
Sheldon: Hmm. Charts and graphs of what?
President Hagemeyer: [stammers] Am I helping you or are you helping me?
Sheldon: Uh, of course. I'll figure it out.
President Hagemeyer: I know you will. Okay, now, get out of here. You have a lot of work to do.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. [exits]
President Hagemeyer: [sighs] [picks up liquor decanter] Kid makes me thirsty.