Dr. Linkletter: I cannot work with that creepy little know-it-all one more day.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, but are we talking about Sheldon or Sturgis?
Dr. Linkletter: Sturgis. Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
[cut to:]
Dr. John Sturgis: He's not interested in anyone else's input.
President Hagemeyer: I-I'm sorry, Sheldon or Linkletter?
Dr. John Sturgis: Linkletter.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, got it. Continue.

Dr. John Sturgis: I was brought in to help but Dr. Linkletter doesn't value my input.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Dr. Linkletter: Ever since he was brought back, he contradicts everything I say.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.
[cut to:]
Sheldon: There was a time when their arguing brought out the best in them, but now it's just hindering our work.
President Hagemeyer: I hear you. That must be tough.

Dr. Linkletter: Thank you for understanding.
President Hagemeyer: And between us, I am counting on you being in charge.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
[cut to:]
President Hagemeyer: You're the alpha dog on this project.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very good. But shouldn't we tell everyone?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't be seen as playing favorites. But what's important is that I know and you know.
Dr. John Sturgis: Smart.
President Hagemeyer: But not as smart as you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. [laughs]

President Hagemeyer: All right, now, Sheldon... [chuckles] being a grown-up isn't all bad, right?
Dr. Linkletter: Eh.
President Hagemeyer: I mean, yeah, sure, your... you know, your body starts to fall apart. But there is a window at about, mm, 22 where everything's just... mwah.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, when I was 22, I was a strapping blonde oak of a man. I'd walk down the street, you could hear the knees buckle.
President Hagemeyer: If I could go back, I would wear nothing but a bikini, 24/7.
Dr. Linkletter: My mind was a steel trap. I could rattle off pi to 25 places. Today... not sure where I parked.
President Hagemeyer: I once went to France for a month with a man I met in the airport bar. [sighs] Missed my grandmother's funeral, but... ooh, la-la.
Dr. Linkletter: It all went by so fast.
President Hagemeyer: Too fast.
Sheldon: I'm new to puberty. Is this sexual tension?

President Hagemeyer: ...we don't have a football team anymore.
George Sr.: What? You're a university in Texas.
President Hagemeyer: We are a science-focused university.
George Sr.: But you got that whole stadium.
President Hagemeyer: Well, we still have soccer. Oh. What-what about Texas A&M? Pretty sure they have a football program.
George Sr.: Yeah, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll try the Cowboys.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, reach for the stars. [chuckles]

Dr. Linkletter: On to more pressing matters. Does Sheldon Cooper have to come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Shouldn't he? He is part of the team.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't there some rule against minors traveling?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Can there be?
President Hagemeyer: No, it's better for the project if he's out there in the field with you.
Dr. Linkletter: But isn't it better for his education if he stays here in class?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I think that a trip like this could be very educational in its own way.
Dr. Linkletter: Mm. You just don't want him around here bugging you.
President Hagemeyer: Winner winner he's-going-with-you dinner.

Dr. Lee: Can you believe there were only three women in my major?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, at least you had each other.
Dr. Lee: Those bitches? Pass.
President Hagemeyer: What about the guys?
Dr. Lee: Either too scared to talk to me or trying to talk me into being horizontal.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, yeah, I hear that.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: Mm.
Dr. Lee: I've even had projects sabotaged just to make me look bad.
President Hagemeyer: You're kidding.
Dr. Lee: Nope.

President Hagemeyer: Well, here's to male egos and all the fun that comes with them. [chuckles]
Dr. Lee: [sighs] You've had to deal with that a lot, huh?
President Hagemeyer: The first month I was here, people kept assuming I was the president's secretary.
Dr. Lee: Did you correct them?
President Hagemeyer: No, I just told them that the president was too busy to see them and then I cut their funding.
Dr. Lee: [laughs] That must have felt good.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, it was like taking off my bra at the end of a long day.
Dr. Lee: Mm-hmm.
President Hagemeyer: But I don't have to tell you.

Dr. Linkletter: You're wasting valuable time.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not, you are.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could please keep this train on the tracks...
Dr. Linkletter: We'll be on track if we follow my plan, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Insist? You're not the alpha dog around here.
Sheldon: I agree.
Dr. Linkletter: This may be hard for both of you to hear, but President Hagemeyer put me in charge.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know for a fact that isn't true, because she put me in charge.
Sheldon: We may have a problem.
[cut to Sheldon, Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter in President Hagemeyer's office:]
President Hagemeyer: What can I say? I tried something. [laughs softly]

President Hagemeyer: Which is why, uh, just between us, I am counting on you to keep the train on the tracks.
Sheldon: Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence. And the sweet train metaphor.
President Hagemeyer: Well, good. You know, I just want you to be happy.
Sheldon: I guess in a way I'm kind of like the son you never had.
President Hagemeyer: Sure.
Sheldon: Which is nice, because you're far too old to have children now.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs softly] And you make me feel okay about that.
Sheldon: Wait.

Mary: [answers phone] Hello.
President Hagemeyer: Hi. This is Linda Hagemeyer from the university. Is this Mrs. Cooper?
Mary: Yes, it is.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Did the Strawberry Quik arrive?
Mary: As a matter of fact, it did.
President Hagemeyer: Sounds like nasty stuff, but, hey, whatever floats the little guy's boat, right?

President Hagemeyer: But I thought you wanted Dr. Sturgis on this project.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll admit John has been useful, but now he's just slowing us down.
President Hagemeyer: Well, he keeps Sheldon happy, and when Sheldon's happy, he's not in this office.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, but when he's not in your office, he's in my office.
President Hagemeyer: Eh, "dem's da breaks." [chuckles]

President Hagemeyer: You can't just barge into my office.
Sheldon: And you can't just lie to my face.
President Hagemeyer: I can and I did.
Sheldon: Well, I'm going to start calling you President Hage-liar, and I think it'll to catch on because it's both true and clever.
President Hagemeyer: Look, I know you're upset, but you left me no choice. I knew you'd be a pain in the ass about these cuts.
Sheldon: Language, and also, these cuts are detrimental on so many levels.
President Hagemeyer: Not to the university. Look... [sighs] My job means sometimes making very hard decisions. Now, I'm sorry that I lied to you, and-and if it helps, I didn't enjoy it.
Sheldon: Yes, you did.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Yes, I did. I mean, grand chancellor? [snorts] I really pulled that one out of my...
Sheldon: Ah-ah.
President Hagemeyer: ...bottom.

Sheldon: We have to keep fighting. If Antonie van Leeuwenhoek had given up, where would we be?
President Hagemeyer: Where would we be?
Sheldon: In a world without microscopes.
President Hagemeyer: Because that guy invented them?
Sheldon: Boy, did he. At least the first modern microscope. He's known as the father of microbiology. I have a good book on him I could loan you. Anyway, we can't give up.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, you are preaching to the choir, but... [scoffs] I mean, what can we do?
Sheldon: I could write to some science luminaries, try get them on our side. Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan. Not Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. He's dead.
President Hagemeyer: All right, but just on the off chance that they're too busy to reply, I think that you should get out there on campus, talk to students, change their minds.
Sheldon: One-on-one? That could take months.
President Hagemeyer: Great.

Sheldon: So, you're gonna keep the science requirements the same?
President Hagemeyer: If it were up to me, yes.
Sheldon: But you're the president.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone has a boss, Sheldon. Now, unfortunately, I have to answer to the... grand chancellor.
Sheldon: Oh. I've never heard of him.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, well, he definitely exists.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should speak with him.
President Hagemeyer: I appreciate that, but this is my fight... Win or lose... and I'll probably lose, but I am gonna go down swinging, I promise you that.
Sheldon: Can I help?
President Hagemeyer: Absolutely. I need you to put together a report backing up our position. Charts, graphs... the whole shebang.
Sheldon: Hmm. Charts and graphs of what?
President Hagemeyer: [stammers] Am I helping you or are you helping me?
Sheldon: Uh, of course. I'll figure it out.
President Hagemeyer: I know you will. Okay, now, get out of here. You have a lot of work to do.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am. [exits]
President Hagemeyer: [sighs] [picks up liquor decanter] Kid makes me thirsty.

Sheldon: And do you really want to be the president of a university that is responsible for the dumbing down of scientific discourse on this campus?
President Hagemeyer: I totally agree with you.
Sheldon: You do?
President Hagemeyer: Oh, it's an outrage. I came here to make this school the Harvard of East Texas. Not the... Wh-What's your least favorite school?
Sheldon: MIT.
President Hagemeyer: Not the MIT of East Texas.
Sheldon: Nice dig at MIT.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Well, they deserve it.

President Hagemeyer: [answers phone] President Hagemeyer.
Speaking device: Miss Hagemeyer, Stephen Hawking here.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, hello. I... I... Is this really Stephen Hawking?
Speaking device: Does it not sound like me? Sorry, I have a cold.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, uh...
Speaking device: That was a joke. Ha, ha, ha.
President Hagemeyer: [chuckles] Uh... how can I help you, sir?
Speaking device: I received a letter from one of your students about the decision to reduce science requirements. Very disappointing.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I would never want to disappoint you, but that-that wasn't my decision.
Speaking device: Whose decision was it?
President Hagemeyer: The grand chancellor.
Speaking device: That is a lie.
President Hagemeyer: Yeah, yeah, that's a lie.
Speaking device: Has anyone ever called you President Hage-liar?

Sheldon: So you really thought you could tell us we were all in charge and we wouldn't figure it out?
President Hagemeyer: Well, in my defense, I said to each of you, "Let's keep this between us." I'm a little disappointed that you broke my trust.
Sheldon: That is true. We're sorry.
Dr. Linkletter: Don't apologize for that. We were being manipulated.
Dr. John Sturgis: You were the one who blabbed first.
Dr. Linkletter: That's because you kept slowing us down with your outmoded ideas.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, if we could just follow my plan...
Dr. Sturgis & Dr. Linkletter: [in unison] No.

Dr. John Sturgis: So far, the data is extremely promising. Five microkelvin!
President Hagemeyer: Ah. Well, you seem excited, so... cool.

George Sr.: Thank you for seeing me, President Hagemeyer.
President Hagemeyer: Of course. My door is open to all Coopers. Even Alice Cooper, who I've always found oddly sexy.
George Sr.: Don't think we're related, but if I meet him, I'll let him know. [chuckles]