Mary: She can cut her own crusts off.

Meemaw: Maybe having this mutt next door won't be so bad. Shelly could end up getting used to it.
George Sr.: That's true. Remember when he got all freaked out by the fruit at the bottom of yogurt? Now he eats it no problem.
Mary: He still makes me stir it.

George Sr.: All right. Everyone's upset, it's late. Maybe we should drop this for tonight?
Herschel Sparks: That's a good idea.
Mary: Okay. You just keep your dog away from my son.
George Sr.: There you go picking it up again.
Mary: I am sorry, but their dog broke into our home. Something he probably learned from your brother.
Brenda Sparks: How dare you.
Herschel Sparks: Okay, I think that's a good stopping point.

Sheldon: Meemaw got punched in the face because of me.
Mary: No, that wasn't because of you, and for the record, your meemaw gets punched in the face all the time.

Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

Mary: And bless our appetites, both physical and spiritual, to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name.
George Jr.: What happened to "Bless the hands that prepared it"?
Mary: I thought I'd mix it up.
George Jr.: I miss the old one.
Missy: Me, too.
George Sr.: Yeah, what I like about the other one-
Mary: And bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

George Sr.: So, did you understand any of it?
Mary: Not a word. But he had on a tweed jacket with the elbow patches, so he must know what he's talking about.

Mary: They're not gonna be back for a while. Go to bed.
Sheldon: I won't be able to sleep.
Mary: I'm not telling you to go to sleep, I'm telling you to go to bed.
Sheldon: You don't think they'll have relations tonight, do you?
Mary: Now I'm telling you to go to sleep.

Mary: So, are you gonna see him again?
Meemaw: I don't know. He showed up at my house on a bike.
George Sr.: Like a Harley?
Meemaw: Like a Schwinn.
Mary: You mean a bike bike?
Meemaw: With a jingle bell on the handlebar and everything.
Mary: Well, that's kind of charming.
Meemaw: He doesn't know how to drive a car. Doesn't want to know.
Mary: Okay, a little less charming.

Mary: Excuse me. Did you sell this to my son?
Glenn: I don't know. Who's your son?
Mary: The little boy in the corner.
Glenn: Which one?
Mary: Sheldon Cooper.
Glenn: Oh. Yeah.
Mary: Look at him! He is the same size as one of the dolls you sell here.
Glenn: Those are action figures.

Sheldon: Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Mary: Oh, is that right? Well, guess what. I don't care. [to Glenn] And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.
Glenn: I doubt that.

Mary: I don't understand why you'd even be interested in a book like that.
Sheldon: One of the characters is a scientist who worked on the Manhattan Project.
Mary: Well, it's filled with violence and nudity, and you are done looking at it.
Sheldon: But comics are a form of art. You wouldn't forbid me from looking at Michelangelo's David just because he's nude.
Mary: When a statue of your naked blue fella is on display at the Vatican, we'll talk.
Sheldon: Actually, David is at the Accademia Gallery in Florence.
Mary: Doesn't matter. I don't want you looking at his bottom either.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Confiscating your comic books. You can have them back when you're 18.
Sheldon: You're taking Casper the Friendly Ghost?
Mary: Ghosts are sacrilegious. Nothing friendly about that.

Mary: You know what? You want me to treat you like an adult, you got it. From this moment on, I am done mommy-ing you.
Sheldon: Wonderful. Does that mean I can have my comic books back?
Mary: Comic books are for children. You're an adult.

George Jr.: Mom, you need to sign this consent form.
Mary: What's it for?
George Jr.: Field trip.
Mary: Where?
George Jr.: Museum.
Mary: Which one?
George Jr.: Does it matter? It's not like I'm gonna learn anything, anyway.
Sheldon: It's the planetarium at the science museum. And I need you to sign mine, too.
Mary: Oh. It's interesting that an adult would need his mother to sign a consent form.
Missy: And here we go.
Sheldon: I don't need you to sign it, the school does.
Mary: So you're saying even the school doesn't think that you're mature enough to make all your own decisions.

George Jr.: What are you eating?
Sheldon: An English muffin with ketchup and spray cheese.
George Jr.: No fair.
Missy: Lucky.
Mary: Sorry I spent an hour making meatloaf.

Mary: I just realized something. College applications cost money just to send in.
Sheldon: They do?
Mary: $50, $60 a pop. I don't believe you have that kind of money, do you?

Mary: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!

Sheldon: Did you ever have a bully when you were growing up?
Mary: Have you met your grandma?

Mary: I see that. But you understand that your daughter's being abusive to my son.
Brenda Sparks: Well, maybe your son needs to grow a pair.
Mary: And in due time, he will.