Mary: None of that is necessary, it's for charity.
Sheldon: What's the point of charity if there are no tax benefits?
Mary: Eat your peas.
George Sr.: I like how he's thinking.
Mary: You eat your peas, too.

Mary: I can't help thinking how odd it is that Shelly volunteered to go on a sleepover.
George Sr.: Oh, I don't know. He's growing up. It's natural for a young boy to want to spread his wings a little bit, try something new.
Mary: That's nonsense. Last week, I brought home the Raisin Bran with the sugar on the raisins. He almost lost his mind.

Mary: Missy, we're gonna eat in a restaurant. Where would you like to go?
Missy: I get to pick?
Sheldon: Why don't I get to pick?
Mary: Because your sister's getting to pick. It's not just about you in this house.

Fred: Will there be kissing and touching?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you bet.
Mary: Mm. Mm.
Mr. Lundy: Now what?
Mary: Pretend kissing. Pretend touching.

Mr. Lundy: Before we begin tonight's descent into Heck, I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
Mary: 'Cause it's all about you, isn't it?

Mary: I'm thankful to be surrounded by my loving family.
Missy: What about that guy?
Mary: That guy- Dr. Sturgis Is part of our extended family.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm, thank you.
Mary: And I'm also thankful for this warm and comfy home that God has blessed us with and this great neighborhood with my mom living right across the street, and of course our excellent school system that provides our children with a world-class education.

George Jr.: Hey, Mom, just a heads-up, I'm getting baptized tomorrow.
Mary: Good Lord. That boy's randiness knows no bounds.

George Sr.: This is ridiculous. They said an hour and a half; it's been almost two. I'm gonna go yell at somebody.
Mary: Good. Yell at everybody.

Mary: Poor baby is just crushed.
George Jr.: Oh, man. I've been through that. Brutal.
Mary: When did I break your heart?
George Sr.: Oh, it wasn't you.
Mary: Then who was it?
George Sr.: Oh, doesn't matter. It was a long time ago.
Mary: But who?

Mary: Um, I have Sunday's bulletin for your approval. And I wanted to ask about ordering the palms for Palm Sunday. I know it's early, but as you remember last year, we waited too long and First United Methodist snatched up all the perky ones.

Paramedic: You a relative?
Mary: No.
Paramedic: Friend?
Mary: I was trying.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, before we finish up, I'd like to call up Mary Cooper, who has a few words she'd like to say.
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff. As some of you might know, we lost a member of our congregation. James Gilford passed away earlier this week. If that name isn't familiar to you, don't feel bad, it wasn't to me either. But in the last few days, I've gotten to learn a little bit about him. He was married to his wife, Meredith, for over 45 years, he was a lieutenant in the Army, and, forgive him for this, a big fan of the Dallas Cowboys. [LAUGHTER] But even if you didn't know him, I hope that you'll still join me in celebrating his life this Wednesday at the American Legion. Thank you.

Missy: What's on your head?
Sheldon: A yarmulke.
George Jr.: A yama-what?
Sheldon: It's a special Jewish hat. It reminds the wearer that God is always over you.
Meemaw: [laughs]
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, it's funny.
Mary: It's not funny and it's not a yarmulke. It is a coaster I crocheted at Bible camp.

Mary: You honestly think that little boy's ready for college?
George Sr.: Hey, I didn't think he was ready for high school, but here we are, a year and a half in, and no one got hurt.
Mary: That is different. He's got you and Georgie over there, and he's still living at home with his mother and his sister.
Meemaw: And me.
Mary: Sure.

Radio: "So far away, Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?"
Mary: Shut up, Carole King.

Missy: This little piggy's looking good.
Mary: Hey, baby.
Missy: Hey.
Mary: Need any help?
Missy: No.
Mary: Do you want to do mine next?
Missy: Why?
Mary: Well, just seems like a thing mothers and daughters might do.
Missy: What's wrong with you?
Mary: Nothing. Never mind.

Mary: Have you talked to John tonight?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: And?
Meemaw: He and Sheldon were watching TV without anybody yakking at 'em.
Mary: I'm going home. Thanks for stopping by.

Mary: Right, so I thought we could sit down over a slice of rhubarb pie and, you know, forgive and forget.
Brenda Sparks: I haven't done anything that needs forgiving.
Mary: Okay, well, that sounds like something we could sit down and talk about over the pie.

Mary: Hey, what you doing?
George Sr.: Pretty much what it looks like.
Mary: Would you like some company?
George Sr.: Sure, I guess.
Mary: Of course, if you'd rather watch TV, I could leave you alone.
George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, it's a rerun. But even if it weren't-
Mary: Ooh.

Sheldon: I changed my mind. I don't want to leave here ever.
Mary: You never have to.