President Hagemeyer: So, what can I do for you?
George Sr.: When y'all were first recruiting Sheldon, you offered me a chance to head up your football program.
President Hagemeyer: And you turned us down.
George Sr.: I was right in the middle of rebuilding Medford's team, but now, I'm ready for a new challenge.
President Hagemeyer: Well, Mr. Cooper...
George Sr.: Please, call me Coach. Oh, and this just occurred to me, but, uh, if I were here, I could help keep an eye on Sheldon, take some of the burden off you.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs] Oh, your son is no burden.
George Sr.: He's a pain in the ass, ma'am. You can say it.
President Hagemeyer: Well, whether he is or he isn't...
George Sr.: He is.

George Sr.: I went to Sheldon's college for a possible coaching gig. They don't even have a team anymore.
Dale: Huh. So you're looking for a new job?
George Sr.: Something like that.
Dale: Well, there's plenty of teams out there.
George Sr.: Yeah, but I'm starting to think it's gonna be the same BS wherever I go.
Dale: That's how I feel about life. Wherever I go... [blows raspberry]
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah.
Dale: You ever think about doing something different?
George Sr.: Well, I played football, I coach football, I watch a lot of football. So unless sitting here becomes a job...

George Sr.: I thought you ended things with her.
Dale: Yeah, not my fault she's okay with it.
George Sr.: You know what's better than going on and on about it?
Dale: What's that?
[cut to Dale grunting as he punches a boxing bag in the store:]
George Sr.: Come on, you can do better than that. Punch her new car. [Dale grunts] Don't forget it's yellow.
Dale: I mean, since when are cars yellow? It's not a taxi.
George Sr.: Less talking, more punching.
Dale: Can I at least have some gloves? My hands hurt.
George Sr.: Well, aren't you a tender buttercup.

Mary: Where you going?
George Sr.: To meet Dale at the bar. [sighs] I really don't want to hear about this relationship anymore.
Mary: At least he talks about it. My mom just wants to drink and pretend she's fine.
George Sr.: That sounds great. Hey, maybe you and I can switch. I'll-I'll finish the dishes, you go hang out with Dale.
Mary: We can't switch.
George Sr.: Sure you can. Grab your coat.

Mary: What time are you home tonight?
George Sr.: Late. I'm working at Ballard's after practice again.
Mary: How long can you keep this up?
George Sr.: Uh, maybe I'll get fired from the high school and only have one job to worry about.
Mandy: I'm sorry.
George Sr.: Me, too.

George Sr.: Oh, no.
George Jr.: I messed up.
George Sr.: Oh, no.
George Jr.: What do I do?
George Sr.: Oh, no.
George Jr.: Please, say anything else.
George Sr.: I'm trying! Okay... Are you sure she's pregnant?
George Jr.: Yes, she took a test.
George Sr.: Sometimes those things are wrong.
George Jr.: She took more than one.
George Sr.: Well... Are you sure it's yours? Some gals like to get around.
George Jr.: Dad, she's pregnant, it's mine and she's having it.
George Sr.: Y'all are too young to have a baby!
George Jr.: I am. She's actually 29.
George Sr.: Oh, no.

George Sr.: She's not gonna marry him.
George Jr.: What's wrong with me?
George Sr.: You're an idiot. You're irresponsible. You live in a garage and use a sink as a toilet! Care to jump in?

George Sr.: [scoffs] I don't see why I got to wear a tie.
Mary: Because we want to make a good impression.
George Sr.: She already met this bozo, aren't we past that?

George Sr.: So, Mandy, what do you do?
Mandy: Right now I'm just waiting tables.
George Sr.: Well, people need to eat.
Mandy: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: Mm-hmm. You know what I enjoy? That T-G-I-F Friday. They got a whole menu page, just appetizers.

George Sr.: Do I really need to be here for this?
Mary: Yes.
George Sr.: Double fudge.

Missy: I'm gonna be an aunt. That's so weird.
Sheldon: Not as weird as Uncle Sheldon.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah, well, we're gonna be grandparents.
Mary: And Meemaw's gonna be a great-grandmother.
Missy: That sounds so old.
George Sr.: Please tell her that.

Coach Wilkins: Are you okay?
George Sr.: Oh, jim-dandy.
Coach Wilkins: Is this one of those times where you say you don't want to talk about it, and then you make me go to the bar, and then you talk about it?
George Sr.: No.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
[cut to George and Coach Wilkins at a bar:]
George Sr.: I'm gonna tell you something.
Coach Wilkins: Lay it on me.
George Sr.: This is serious. You can't tell anyone.
Coach Wilkins: Okay.
George Sr.: Georgie got a girl pregnant.
Coach Wilkins: Wow. Oh. Congratulations?
George Sr.: On having a dope for a son? Thanks.
Coach Wilkins: Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but weren't you a similar kind of dope with Mary?
George Sr.: It's different. Georgie's, like, 11 years younger than this girl.
Coach Wilkins: That is different. [to the bartender] We're gonna need a couple shots over here.

Pastor Jeff: So, shall we get to the business at hand?
Mary: Obviously, we're... mortified by Missy's behavior.
George Sr.: Even though it sounds like that punk had it coming.
Pastor Jeff: While his words were out of line, it brings us to the bigger issue, which is... people are talking about Georgie.
George Sr.: Bunch of holy rollers with no lives.

Coach Wilkins: Hey, you heard from George today?
Principal Petersen: George. Cooper? No. You?
Coach Wilkins: No. Hoping that he would join us.
Principal Petersen: Well, he's going through a tough time at home, you got to cut him a little slack.
[George has been seated at their table drinking a beer the whole time]
George Sr.: Are you done?
Principal Petersen: I don't know. What do you think?
Coach Wilkins: I can keep going.
Principal Petersen: Me too. You ever wonder how that Sheldon kid wound up being so smart?
Coach Wilkins: Oh, you mean like was there a genius pizza delivery guy or mailman in the mix?
Principal Petersen: Exactly.
George Sr.: All right, that's enough. And for the record, my grandfather was a brilliant man. Co-invented the traffic cone. Used to be wood, he made it rubber. That's right.

Mary: How are we not qualified for anything?
George Sr.: Well, there were a couple.
Mary: I'm not gonna be night security guard at the junkyard, George. You can.
George Sr.: You know I get sleepy.

Sheldon: Hey, he was about to power a clock with a potato.
George Sr.: Not possible.

Mary: Look at him. Breaks my heart.
George Sr.: Poor little guy, all alone.
Mary: I don't see why - his brother can't sit with him.
George Sr.: Come on, Mary. When you were in high school, would you have lunch with a nine-year-old?
Mary: Yes, I would've.
George Sr.: Well, there's something wrong with you.

Mary: Why aren't you eating?
Sheldon: I don't think I can.
George Sr.: Sometimes the different foods touch each other, Sheldon. Not the end of the world.

Mary: He's nine years old and he's in high school, so you can't judge him like other kids.
Dr. Goetsch: I hear ya.
Mary: George, tell him about how he's always going on and on about subatomic particles and such.
George Sr.: Oh, he'll get to gabbin' about it.

Mary: How's it going?
George Sr.: Well, I think I figured out the problem.
Mary: What is it?
George Sr.: I'm a terrible mechanic.