Georgie: You're so cheap.
George: If you want cable, pay for it yourself. Or better yet, try turning that thing off and go read a book.
Georgie: "Read a book"?

Coach Wilkins: You worried your kid just invited the whole school to your house?
George: At 5:00 in the morning for a Swedish science thing? [CHUCKLES] Not at all.

George: I'm not interested.
Georgie: You're gonna regret it.
George: Show me.
Georgie: Texas snow globes.
Missy: Ooh.
Georgie: The card store on Magnolia is going out of business. They're selling these for one dollar each. I sell 'em for five, and the money rolls in.
George: Does it worry you that the store selling these things is going out of business?

George: Honey, just 'cause they're both super smart doesn't mean that they're the same person. I mean, Sturgis was in love with your mom, so clearly he was nuts from the get-go.
Mary: You're not helping.
George: I'm not wrong, either. Love you.

George: The pastor's been married before. Is it really that big a deal?
Mary: Yes, George. It states very clearly in the Bible: "Among you there must not be even a hint of [hushed] sexual immorality."
George: That book is a bummer sometimes.

Coach Wilkins: Everything all right with Sheldon?
George: How much time you got? Why?
Coach Wilkins: Hasn't been in P.E. since Monday.
George: Really?
Coach Wilkins: Mm-hmm.
George: He's here. I drove him. You check the places they like to stuff him?
Coach Wilkins: Lockers, trash cans, those bags we put the footballs in. Nothing.
George: Top of the flagpole?
Coach Wilkins: Nope.

Mary: You were very rude to your grandmother.
Sheldon: Dad's rude to her all the time.
George: That is not... the point.

Coach Wilkins: Missy want to play ball?
George: How do you know I wasn't calling for Sheldon? Fine, it was Missy.

Dale: Well, I-I was married for 18 years and I got to tell you, those were the two best years of my life.
George: Ah. What's it like, you know, being single at your age?
Dale: Why, you thinking about it?
George: No, no, everything's fine. Happily married, just, uh, just curious.
Dale: Yeah. Come on, now. She's not here. Well, to answer your question, it's just great. See, I get to wander around my house in my underwear, and I can make whatever bodily noises I choose whenever I choose.
George: Ah. I do that now.
Dale: Well, then, you got yourself a keeper.

Dale: Well, hey, tell me something about this guy she was seeing.
George: Mm. The scientist.
Dale: Really? A scientist?
George: Yeah, not with test tubes; more with arithmetic, thinking and stuff.
Dale: Uh-huh. A physicist.
George: There you go. Yeah. Nice enough fella. Always reminded me of that cartoon owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials.
Dale: Hmm. Well, why'd they break up?
George: Uh, you know. You know, things happen.
Dale: Uh-huh. What things?
George: Eh.
Dale: Come on, now. At least tell me if there's something I need to worry about.
George: Oh, no. Connie's rock solid. Unless you put on a little weight. Then you will hear about it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Anyway, I believe they're willing to, uh, exceed your current salary by a substantial amount.
George: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. They thought it would incentivize you.
George: Well, John, they're not wrong.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Na zdrowie.
George: What the hell. Na zdrowie.

Mary: I just hate that our little boy gets left out.
George: Me, too, but he should probably get used to it.
Mary: That's a terrible thing to say.
George: Oh, come on, Mary, the boy's not exactly a social butterfly. In fact, he's scared of butterflies. Besides, it's their house. If they don't want him, there's nothing you can do about it.

George: Come on, Jesus. This is for your birthday. Help me out.

Mary: Boy, Sheldon is really worked up about this whole swimming thing.
George: Don't you think he should learn for his own safety?
Mary: You really think he's ever gonna go near a body of water?
George: Yeah. Well, it's only a matter of time before someone throws him in one.

George: And I know your mom would want me to tell you to wait till marriage, but I also know you're probably not going to.
Georgie: Did you?
George: The important thing is that when you're with a girl... [Georgie scoffs] You know how when we're running practice drills and we wear protection so both people are safe?
Georgie: Yeah.
George: Well, there you go.
Georgie: What?
George: Same thing, but with your privates.
Georgie: Please leave.
George: Thank you.