George: Can you guys not do that?
Coach Wilkins: Do what?
George: Be so happy. You're married. Act like it.
Coach Wilkins: How do you put up with him?
Mary: That's a good question. What's your secret?
Coach Wilkins & Darlene: [in unison] Communication.
George: Oh, God.

George: And Sheldon's fine. You know what he's like. If someone took him, I'm sure they'll bring him right back.

Sheldon: There's going to be a lecture on carbon dating at the Natural Science Museum on Saturday. Who would like to take me?
George: You know what? I'd be happy to.
Meemaw: What happened to helping me at my yard sale?
George: Ooh, is that this Saturday? I'm sorry. I'm taking him to a lecture on, uh what is it? Carbonation?
Sheldon: Carbon dating. A method of determining the age of artifacts and fossils.
George: Hey, we could use that to figure out how old your grandma is.
Sheldon: That won't work. You can't carbon-date something that's alive.
George: Well, then, we'll just chop her down and count the rings.
Meemaw: Oh, George, did my "lump of clay" remark strike a nerve?
George: A little.

Georgie: A bill? Really?
George: Room and board, buddy.
Georgie: $50 a month for food?
George: The way you eat, I should've gone $50 a week.
Georgie: Laundry services?
George: Your poor mother has to touch your underwear.
Georgie: What's the $10 a month "peema" charge?
George: Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a "Pain in My Ass" tax. My way of getting compensated for you taking years off my life.

Georgie: Just out of curiosity, when exactly are you and Mom leaving, and when exactly are y'all coming back?
George: You're not bringing your girlfriend here.
Georgie: Excuse me for taking an interest in your life.
George: Besides, your grandma'll be here the whole time.
Georgie: Never mind. Wait. So her house'll be empty?
George: Look, I used to be your age, but can you try thinking with your brain for once?
Georgie: If you used to be my age, I think you know the answer to that.

Mary: So you've stayed at this hotel before?
George: Oh, yeah. It's nice. They got an indoor pool and a killer breakfast buffet. There's even a real nice gym we'll walk right past on the way to the breakfast buffet.

Darlene: Ooh, this camper is so cool.
Mary: We borrowed it from my mom's boyfriend.
George: Yeah, you might not want to poke around too much. You find my mother-in-law's bra, I'm driving into a brick wall.