Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

George Sr.: Well, you been busy.
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: You get this in here all by yourself?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: How?
Sheldon: Science.
George Sr.: Well, it looks good.
Sheldon: I know. Now trains will be the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: If I stir in the middle of the night, you know what I'll see?
George Sr.: Trains?
Sheldon: Trains.
George Sr.: Well... as long as you're happy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm happy. [pained smile]

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

Mary: So, you okay?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't I be okay?
Mary: Well, there's a lot of change going on. I know that's not your favorite.
Sheldon: Where is that railroad crossing?
Mary: Would you like to eat in here? I'll make you a plate.
Sheldon: I have to find that sign. It should be in this box. Where is it?

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

Sheldon: [enters] I can't find my railroad crossing sign.
George Jr.: Hey, how about knocking?
Sheldon: Sorry, I've never had to knock on that door before.
George Jr.: Well, now you do.
Sheldon: [grunts] I need the crossing sign for my train set. Have you seen it?
George Jr.: No, and I've got company coming soon.
Sheldon: Perfect. An extra set of eyes will be helpful.
George Jr.: It's a girl, and you need to get out of here.
Sheldon: I'm not leaving until I find it.
George Jr.: Is this really about some dumb sign, or is about you being scared to have a room to yourself?
Sheldon: That sign has been there for as long as I've had that railroad set. It may seem insignificant to you, but I need it. Everyone only cares about themselves. You're happy because you got the garage, Missy's happy because she has her own room, but no one cares about my problems.
George Jr.: I'll help you look.
Sheldon: Just forget it.

Quote from the episode Pish Posh and a Secret Back Room

[fantasy:]
Conductor: Next stop, Medford.
Sheldon: That won't be necessary. Keep going.
Conductor: But, sir, your family's waiting to board.
Sheldon: I'm aware. Drive on.
Conductor: But, sir...
Sheldon: I don't need them. I'm fine on my own. Do not stop this train. [whistles blowing]

Quote from the episode Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

Missy: [to Pastor Rob] Are you allowed to have a girlfriend?
Sheldon: In the Baptist church, yes.
Pastor Rob: Pastor Jeff is married.
Sheldon: And was married before, so he's had two wives, but not at the same time, that's not allowed.
Pastor Rob: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: At least not anymore. In the Old Testament, Abraham had two, Jacob had four, and Solomon had 1,000, but those were largely for political alliances.
Pastor Rob: Fun fact: only 700 of those were wives. The other were concubines.
Sheldon: I wouldn't count on the Bible for facts, but that was fun.

Quote from the episode An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel

Sheldon: I finished my design assignment early.
Professor Boucher: I admire that initiative.
Sheldon: Thank you, I stayed up late to finish it. My normal bedtime is 2100 hours, but I was so excited to do it that I took a power nap in my Meemaw's back seat on the drive home. [slides document towards Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Uh, you'll need to do this again. It's wrong. [slides it back to Sheldon]
Sheldon: No, it's not. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Son, I'm giving you another chance before it's due.
Sheldon: Well, what's wrong with it?
Professor Boucher: That's your job to figure out.
Sheldon: I would argue that it's your job to teach me. [slides it back to Boucher]
Professor Boucher: Let's see. [clears throat] To start, this bridge is in pieces.
Sheldon: What do you mean? [Boucher rips the document in two] Well, two can play at this game.
[Sheldon rips the document in two] [Boucher places the pieces in the trash can] Well, now they can't.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Sheldon: Excuse me, if I had an exposé that's going to rip the lid off this university's leadership and shine a light on its rotten core, who would I turn that in to?
Clark: You can give it to me.
Sheldon: I'd feel more comfortable giving it to someone who's less likely to roll it up and smoke it.
Clark: Well, I'm the editor, so it's me or nothing.
Sheldon: Very well. I'm handing you the scoop of a lifetime.
Clark: Okay.
Sheldon: As your people say, I think you'll dig it.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

President Hagemeyer: Not now, I'm on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh, are you talking to the grand chancellor? Who I know doesn't exist, just like your integrity.
President Hagemeyer: Uh, I'll-I'll call you back.
Sheldon: Don't believe her!

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Sheldon: I think I need to stop blindly trusting everything.
George Sr.: Hmm. Probably not a bad idea.
Sheldon: Thanks. I wish I could believe you.

Quote from the episode The Yips and an Oddly Hypnotic Bohemian

Bob Ross: [on TV] Little stand of evergreens that lives right in here.
Missy: I didn't know Richard Simmons can paint.
Sheldon: His name's Bob Ross. And he's oddly hypnotic.
Missy: You're gonna paint?
Sheldon: No, I just like watching him. I can't explain it, but his voice and demeanor are comforting, like a hot beverage.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Let's get crazy and, once again, just pull it out, just like we did the other one.
Missy: Yawn.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Barely touch, whisper. Just whisper-light. Let it go. Let it go. no pressure.

Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

Bobby: Hey. Did I just hear you say you have a dorm room you're letting people use?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm letting Sam use it to study.
Bobby: You think there's any chance my girlfriend and I could use it sometime?
Sheldon: You two study together?
Bobby: We'd like to. It's been a while.
Sheldon: Well, I use it during the day, so it's only available at night.
Bobby: Nights work for us.
Sheldon: Then it's all yours.
Bobby: [chuckles] Thanks, man.
Sheldon: And how does this make you feel about me? More positive, less positive, or neutral?
Bobby: Really, really positive.
Sheldon: Great. Tell a friend.
Bobby: All right.
Sheldon: I might have to draw up a schedule.

Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

Sheldon: It turns out it's easy to make people like you. You just have to give them things.
Sam: Wow. I think you've really discovered something here.
Sheldon: Perhaps I should publish before someone else stumbles onto it.
Bobby: Oh. Hey.
Sheldon: An all-nighter, huh?
Bobby: Oh, yeah. All night. Thank you.
Sheldon: Someone's gonna ace those midterms.
Bobby: Yeah, you know it.
Sheldon: My room has become quite the little study hall.
Sam: Yeah, they may not be... Uh, you know what, you're fine.

Quote from the episode An Expensive Glitch and a Goof-Off Room

Sheldon: [picks up phone] Hi, Travis. Oh, Monday's no good. I can pencil you in for Wednesday. You got it. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Mary: Is that a friend from school?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Mary: Well, that's exciting.
Sheldon: And a little exhausting. I've been letting students use my dorm to study while I'm not there, and it's made me very popular.
Mary: It's nice that you're helping people out. [phone rings]
Sheldon: Yes, but who knew having friends involved so much scheduling?

Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit

Sheldon: 22 minutes. This has to be a record.

Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance

Nathan: You going?
Sheldon: I'd like to. Are you?
Nathan: Yeah. I quit my job for the time off.
Sheldon: Wow.
Nathan: Well, my job search.
Sheldon: Hmm.
Nathan: You know, it hasn't been announced yet, but I hear there's a special guest appearance by David Gerrold.
Sheldon: He wrote the Star Trek episode "Trouble with Tribbles."
Nathan: Uh, no doy.
Sheldon: I just found my spring break.
Nathan: I'm not really looking for a job. I don't know why I lied.

Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance

Sheldon: [on the phone] And since we're both on spring break, I thought you might like to go with me.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I am the president of the university.
Sheldon: You're right. I should've asked you first. So is that a "yes"?
President Hagemeyer: No!

Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance

Announcer: [on TV] Attention, science fiction and comic book fans, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday in Ballroom B of the Texarkana Holiday Inn, it's Texarkana-Con! That's right, Texarkana...
Captain Kirk: [on TV] Khan!
Announcer: Celebrity appearances, panel discussions, autograph alley, only at Texarkana...
Captain Kirk: Khan!
Announcer: Raffles, prizes, costume parade, Friday through Sunday at Texarkana...
Captain Kirk: Khan!
Announcer: William Shatner not appearing.
Sheldon: William Shatner may not be appearing, but Sheldon Cooper is.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Oscar: Uh, who are you?
Sheldon: I'm in the room next door.
Oscar: Oh, you're that smart kid.
Darren: Who is it?
Oscar: That smart kid.
Darren: Tell him to come in.
Oscar: Want to come in?
Sheldon: No, I'm here to complain.
Oscar: He's here to complain.
Darren: Then don't let him in.
Oscar: You can't come in.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Sheldon: I'm trying to study, and your loud music is very distracting.
Oscar: You mean the game?
Sheldon: "The game"? I'm not up on today's one-named pop stars.
Oscar: No. It's a video game.
Sheldon: You have video games?
Oscar: A bunch. You play?
Sheldon: My meemaw and I beat Quest of Adeera.
Oscar: Dude, this kid beat Adeera.
Darren: Well, tell him to come in.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Oscar: Watch out for the CyberToad.
Sheldon: What's a CyberToad?
Darren: The evil little robot frogs. Although they're only known as CyberToads in the west. In Japan they're known as...
Oscar: MechaGamas.
Darren: Can I finish my own thoughts, please?
Oscar: He's very sensitive.
Sheldon: I'm protective of my fun facts, too.