Adult Sheldon: Altruism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to others.
[Sheldon lays down a plate of crackers in front of Missy]
Sheldon: These are for you.
Missy: Thanks.
[Sheldon takes the plate and walks away]
Missy: What the hell?!
Adult Sheldon: Egoism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
Sheldon: [eats] Mmm. These are pretty good.

Adult Sheldon: College is a time for new experiences, being exposed to exciting ways of thinking, meeting people from different backgrounds, and the unexpected visit from your dad in gym shorts.
George: Hey.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
George: I got a phone call. Apparently, the head of the college wants to talk to us.
Sheldon: Oh, good.
George: You sure it's good?
Sheldon: Well, it's better than what I thought when I saw you, which was, "Uh-oh, Meemaw died."

President Hagemeyer: All I'm asking you to do is to go to dinner, talk about science with a very nice and, more importantly, a very rich person.
Sheldon: Understood. No, thank you.
George: Buddy...
President Hagemeyer: All right, uh, Sheldon, I was brought to this school to help raise its profile, and one of the ways to do that is through grants and donations. You- You can understand that, right?
Sheldon: I understand that you would like to put the novelty of my age and advanced intellect on display to raise some cash.
President Hagemeyer: No. Sort of. [to George] Can I speak to you alone?
George: Will you give us a minute?
Sheldon: Very well. But if you're looking to see if my father will be a potential donor, you are barking up the wrong tree.

George: Is what they're asking really that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. I go to this university to study science, not to help collect money like an organ grinder's monkey.
George: You see me go to the rallies and fundraisers at the high school. I don't love it, but I do it.
Sheldon: And I hope they give you all the bananas you can eat.
George: Sheldon, donors like this are very helpful for the university. They pay for all the science equipment and your scholarship.
Sheldon: I hadn't thought of it that way.
George: So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday?
Sheldon: I'll think about it.
George: What's to think about? It's a night of you showing off how smart you are.
Sheldon: People do like that. All right, I'm in.

George: Now, when you meet this guy, you got to shake his hand.
Sheldon: What if I offer a stately bow? That's how they do it in Asia.
George: You're shaking his hand.
Sheldon: Then it's a good thing I brought Old Righty. [holds up a mitten-covered hand]
George: You're not wearing that in a restaurant.
Sheldon: Why?
George: 'Cause you don't make a good impression by being afraid to shake hands.
Sheldon: Howard Hughes was a germophobe, and he did quite well for himself.
George: Didn't he go crazy and save his pee in jars?
Sheldon: Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
George: You're shaking his hand!
Sheldon: Okay!

Gary: I believe we have to look to gravity and its magnitude...
Adult Sheldon: I was really doing my best to hold it together.
Gary: ...could be a repulsive force if you just add negative mass.
Adult Sheldon: I smiled and nodded like my meemaw's Houston Oilers bobblehead.
Gary: And I also discovered a way that we could predict the masses of all the known particles using the Egyptian pyramids.
Adult Sheldon: In physics, there's a phenomenon known as supercritical assembly. If you bring enough material together in one place...
Gary: The trick is numerology.
Adult Sheldon: ...in the right configuration, eventually, it will explode.
Gary: This is fun. Not a lot of people I can talk to scientist-to-scientist.
Sheldon: We're not talking scientist-to-scientist. You're not a scientist. You're just a rich man that no one will be honest to because everyone wants your money.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, don't listen to him. I mean, he's just a kid. Why don't you tell me a little more about your pyramid thingy? Huh?

Dr. Linkletter: Son, lab assistants are usually upperclassmen.
Sheldon: I believe I've been at this university long enough to be considered.
Dr. Linkletter: You've been here two weeks.
Sheldon: Hey, 15 days if you count orientation.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, there's a waitlist of students who've applied for that position. I just can't give you special treatment.
Sheldon: Not with that attitude.
Dr. Linkletter: Tell you what, I'll think about it.
Sheldon: Should I come back or should I wait?
Dr. Linkletter: Come back.
Sheldon: I'll wait.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought about it. No.

Meemaw: It's his lab, Sheldon. He can do what he wants.
Sheldon: I've got it. Dr. Linkletter likes you. You go on a date with him and when he tries to kiss you, say you'll do it, but only if he gives me the job.
Meemaw: I'm gonna ask you to think hard about what you just said.
Sheldon: What? I want something, he wants something... seems like a win-win.
Meemaw: Not for me.
Sheldon: You get a free dinner. Make him take you someplace nice. Ooh, maybe Sizzler.
Meemaw: Sheldon.

Adult Sheldon: Since my meemaw was being stingy with her love, I had to find another way to change Dr. Linkletter's mind. I decided to treat this like a science experiment... test various methods of persuasion to determine which was the most effective.
[title: "Peer Pressure"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at the water fountain:]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I was talking to the other physics professors and they think you having an 11-year-old lab assistant would be neat.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Don't you want your peers to think you're cool?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: I would.
Dr. Linkletter: No.

[title: "Bribery"; Sheldon goes to see Linkletter in his office]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: If you look in your drawer, you'll find a little something. I hope you like peanut butter cookies.
Dr. Linkletter: This isn't going to change my mind.
Sheldon: You sure?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: Then give them back, they're my favorite.

[title: "Begging"; Sheldon follows Dr. Linkletter down the hall]
Sheldon: Say yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: HIja.
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: That's "yes" in Klingon.
Dr. Linkletter: How do you say "no" in Klingon?
Sheldon: Qo'.
Dr. Linkletter: Qo'!
Sheldon: Aw.

[title: "Besmirching the competition"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at a vending machine]
Sheldon: I overheard some of your other candidates talking about marijuana.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't care.
Sheldon: Well, you should. I think they plan on smoking it.

[title: "Flattery"; Sheldon is in Linkletter's office again]
Sheldon: You know what?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I was just admiring your posture. You're not all hunched over like most people your age.
[Dr. Linkletter points to the door for Sheldon to leave]

Sheldon: How may I assist you today?
Dr. Linkletter: Follow me.
Sheldon: Should I look over your notes? Would you like me to double-check your math?
Dr. Linkletter: See these bolts? Scrub the grease off.
Sheldon: But there's hundreds of them.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. That's where you come in.
Sheldon: Surely there's a better use of my intellect.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, we're building a solar neutrino detector. If you don't want the job, there's the door.
Sheldon: No, I want it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: [sighs] Although that door does look tempting.

Sheldon: Here you go. 473 grease-free bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
Sheldon: Now what? How about I help you design an even better solar neutrino detector?
Dr. Linkletter: Actually, what I need you to do is... take this grease and put it on these bolts.
Sheldon: But I just took the grease off the bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: That was the wrong grease. This is the right grease. Have at it.
Sheldon: If this is some kind of test to get me to quit, it's not going to work.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't know what you were expecting, but this is a menial job. After this, I need you to sort a crate of resistors, strip a case of wire and then sweep up.
Sheldon: Oh. Then I quit.