David: [answers phone] Tandy Tech Support. This is David. How can I help you?
Sheldon: Hello, I'm having a problem with my Tandy 1000SL.
David: What's going on?
Sheldon: I think I have a computer virus.
David: [chuckles] Well, let's not jump there yet. Could be lots of things. What did you see?
Sheldon: Pixels started disappearing, and then a message read: "DISK DESTROYER - Your hard drive is now corrupted."
David: Yeah, that's a virus.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
David: Have you used any unlicensed software lately?
Sheldon: Um... I'm not sure I should answer that without consulting an attorney first.
David: Hey, hey, I get it. I play a lot of games, not always officially purchased. I'm just here to help get your computer up and running.
Sheldon: Thank you for understanding, David. I'm not usually a rule-breaker, but it was Railroad Kingdom and I really wanted it because I love trains. And it was $49.95. My mom said it was too expensive. And I was going to buy it eventually, and Tam said that was good enough, so I got a bootleg copy, and now I have a virus, which I very much deserve.
David: I'm sorry, who's Tam?

David: [on the phone] Okay, so what we're gonna need to do is wipe your hard drive clean and reinstall the operating system.
Sheldon: What about all my files?
David: Do you have everything backed up?
Sheldon: I back up my files every Thursday night. I call it Backup Thursdays. It's not the catchiest, but it sums up the situation.
David: Perfect. After we wipe your drive, you can restore it, and you'll be good as new.
Sheldon: Thank you so much.
David: No problem. So, start by turning the computer off and inserting the DOS disk.
Sheldon: Wait, what if I used the backup disk after the virus was already on the computer?
David: Oh. Uh, then I'm afraid it's corrupted, too.
Sheldon: But how do I get my files?
David: You don't.
Sheldon: But I have all my old papers on there, my parents' taxes.
David: I'm sorry.

Sheldon: Dad, something terrible happened.
George Sr.: What's the matter?
Sheldon: I lost all the files on my computer.
George Sr.: Oh, well, I'm sure you can get 'em back.
Sheldon: I can't, and It's all my fault.
George Sr.: All right, calm down.
Sheldon: I can't calm down. This is a disaster.
Billy Sparks: It'll be okay, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don't understand. They're gone. And they're gone forever. And no matter what I do, they're never coming back, so it won't be okay.
Adult Sheldon: I wish I could tell you I realized the cruel irony of what I had just said to Billy, and apologized. But I didn't.

Sheldon: But you don't need another child prodigy. You've already got me.
President Hagemeyer: And you have been... [scoffs] so great. Just imagine what it'd be like having two of you.
Sheldon: Well, why would you want two of me? I mean, I've heard even one of me is a lot to handle.
President Hagemeyer: Well, you're not afraid of a little competition, are you?
Sheldon: From Paige? Hardly. But I should warn you, she can be very difficult.
President Hagemeyer: Well, luckily I've had some practice with that lately.
Sheldon: And how do you handle it?
President Hagemeyer: Usually I, uh, play to their egos. You know, make them feel like the smartest person in the room.
Sheldon: And they fall for that?
President Hagemeyer: Well... [chuckles] not everyone's as smart as you, Sheldon.

Sheldon: So now I'm supposed to talk Paige into coming to my school.
Meemaw: Maybe it'll be nice to have somebody your own age to hang out with.
Sheldon: Sure, so the next time someone says, "Hey, look what the kid genius did," people will say, "Which one? There's so many."
Meemaw: I thought you and that little girl were friends.
Sheldon: Missy's her friend. I'm her rival.
Meemaw: Well, I think you're getting worked up about nothing. Maybe she won't even decide to come to this school.
Sheldon: Oh, I see where you're going. I should convince her it's a terrible school. That's brilliant.
Meemaw: That's not where I was going.
Sheldon: Too late, I'm already there.

President Hagemeyer: I must tell you that Sheldon was very excited to hear that you might be joining us.
Linda: Well, isn't he sweet?
Paige: He's a peach.
Sheldon: All right, I'm here. [to Hagemeyer] Hello. [to Linda] Hello. [coldly to Paige] Hello.
Paige: Hi, Sheldon. I'm so excited for you to show me around campus today.
Sheldon: The only reason I'm doing it is because...
President Hagemeyer: He's excited to do it, I'm excited he's doing it. Are you excited?
Linda: Sure.
President Hagemeyer: Everyone's excited. Yay.
Sheldon: [sighs] Come on, let's go.
Paige: You and me, together again. It just feels right, doesn't it? [Sheldon grumbles]

Sheldon: There's the cafeteria. If you like tuna salad with hair in it. Over there is the quad. It's a nice place to relax, if you like getting hit in the head with Frisbees.
Paige: I know what you're doing.
Sheldon: No, you don't.
Paige: You have nothing to worry about. I don't want to come to this school. I'm just looking at it to make my mom happy since it's close to home.
Sheldon: Well, that's wonderful news.
Paige: Besides, I've got offers from way better universities.
Sheldon: What do you mean? What's wrong with this school?
Paige: It's fine. It's just nowhere near as good as Harvard or Columbia.
Sheldon: It is too.
Paige: If you like a substandard science department and hair in your tuna.

Sheldon: She said she doesn't even want to come to this university.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I hope you convinced her otherwise.
Sheldon: She said she'd rather go to Harvard or Columbia.
President Hagemeyer: [scoffs] T-Those are all perfectly fine schools, but we have a lot to offer here, too.
Sheldon: I told her that, but she said I was settling because I want to live close to my mommy.
President Hagemeyer: Well, that's ridiculous.
Sheldon: That's why I came here to tell on her.
President Hagemeyer: Well, the important thing is you're here and you're happy.
Sheldon: I thought I was, but why does Paige get to go to a better school than me?
President Hagemeyer: Hey, I know what'll solve your problem. Convince Paige to come here.
Sheldon: Yeah. Wait.

Sheldon: Ooh, maybe I'll transfer to the University of Zurich.
Missy: I thought you liked your school.
Sheldon: I did, until Paige ruined it.
Missy: Why do you care what she thinks?
Sheldon: I don't.
Missy: Sure sounds like you do.
Sheldon: I can't help it. She makes me crazy.
Missy: Then stop thinking about her.
Sheldon: I wish I could.

Paige: Look, Sheldon, you're not gonna convince me to come here. You're wasting your time.
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm afraid we have a bigger problem.
Paige: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm a scientist, and I have to follow the data wherever it leads, whether I like it or not.
Paige: Get to the point.
Sheldon: It seems I have a crush on you.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: I'm as surprised as you are. But I have all the symptoms according to both Dr. Sturgis and the editors of Sassy magazine.

Paige: Uh, Sheldon, I'm really glad that you told me this, 'cause... the truth is, I feel the same way about you.
Sheldon: You do?
Paige: I mean, I've been trying to hide it, but now I don't have to anymore. This is such a relief.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. This is new information. I had been operating under the assumption that my crush was unrequited.
Paige: Oh, it's requited, Sheldon. It's very requited.
Sheldon: Hmm. [Paige moves closer to Sheldon] What are you doing?
Paige: We have a crush on each other.
Sheldon: So?
Paige: Well, now we have to kiss.
Sheldon: We do?
Paige: I mean, it's where the data has led us.
Sheldon: I suppose.

Paige: Okay. Now close your eyes and pucker up. This might tickle.
[As Paige puts two fingers on Sheldon's lips, she pulls out a magic marker and draws a mustache on his face]
Sheldon: [muffled] What's happening? Are we kissing?
Paige: You bet. How was that?
Sheldon: I didn't feel anything romantic.
Paige: Hmm. Me, either.
Sheldon: I guess it wasn't a crush after all.
Paige: I guess not.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's a relief.
Paige: It is.
Adult Sheldon: I went to three classes before I figured it out. Good thing I look spiffy in a mustache.

President Hagemeyer: Why would I rehire him? He just caused a panic about the supercollider.
Sheldon: They say there's no such thing as bad publicity. That's a quote from P.T. Barnum.
President Hagemeyer: I don't care.
Sheldon: Do you care that the "P" stood for Phineas?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Then I won't tell you what the "T" stood for.
President Hagemeyer: Great.
Sheldon: Taylor.

Meemaw: Okay, here you go.
Sheldon: You're not baking them fresh?
Meemaw: Do you want me to bake or you want me to listen?
[Sheldon shrugs]
[cut to Meemaw mixing cookie dough]

George Jr.: [calls] Missy? Sheldon!
[As Georgie barges into the cabin, a startled Sheldon wakes up and falls off his crate. Missy is a woken and flings the lamp at the wall]
George Jr.: [gasps] What the hell?!
Missy: You scared me.
George Jr.: You scared me.
Sheldon: Everyone scared me.

Pastor Rob: Well, hey, y'all. I'm Pastor Rob. I'm, uh, guessing everyone knows what this is.
Missy: [raises hand] The Bible.
Pastor Rob: That's right. That's right. What else is it?
Billy Sparks: [raises hand] The word of God.
Pastor Rob: Excellent. Excellent. You know what else it is? [drops the Bible on the floor] It's just a book.
Sheldon: [whispers] I like him.
Pastor Rob: It's a good book. Got lot of great stories. Instructions on how to live life. But... [picks up the Bible] God is more than just a book. God is real. God is everywhere. And God loves you.
Sheldon: [whispers] He's losing me.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, I bounced around from job to job after college. Never really had a plan for what was next until one day, I felt the Lord call me to his service. [Missy raises her hand] Yes, Missy Cooper. Right?
Missy: How'd you know?
Pastor Rob: Let's see, Mary's your mother, Sheldon's your brother, and I hear you are one heck of a pitcher. I do my homework, y'all.
Sheldon: [whispers] Homework. He's winning me back.

Mary: He doesn't have to pay for food.
Sheldon: Meemaw does eat here for free.
George Sr.: That's a separate problem.

George Sr.: Well, you been busy.
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: You get this in here all by yourself?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: How?
Sheldon: Science.
George Sr.: Well, it looks good.
Sheldon: I know. Now trains will be the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: If I stir in the middle of the night, you know what I'll see?
George Sr.: Trains?
Sheldon: Trains.
George Sr.: Well... as long as you're happy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm happy. [pained smile]

Mary: So, you okay?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't I be okay?
Mary: Well, there's a lot of change going on. I know that's not your favorite.
Sheldon: Where is that railroad crossing?
Mary: Would you like to eat in here? I'll make you a plate.
Sheldon: I have to find that sign. It should be in this box. Where is it?