Mary: I was just letting you know that if you were having any problems you could come to me with them.
Sheldon: You think I have mental problems?
Mary: Well, not problems. I'm just worried about your future, and when I see you moving subatomic particles around in the air, that makes-
Sheldon: Subatomic particles are real! You talk to an invisible man in the sky who grants wishes. If anyone's mental, it's you.

Sheldon: Mother?
Mary: Yes?
Sheldon: Is it okay if I use a knife to butter my toast, or are you worried I'll do something crazy with it?
Mary: You can butter your own toast.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You see the toast, too. I was afraid I was imagining it.

Sheldon: [to Mary] I am behaving no differently than I ever have. Why are you suddenly so worried about me?
Dr. Goetsch: That is a valid question. Has anything changed recently?
Sheldon: Maybe it's hormonal. When does menopause typically begin?
Mary: It is not my hormones.
Sheldon: Well, it certainly isn't mine. I'm showing no signs of puberty.

Sheldon: Wednesday morning, the Nobel Prize winners are going to be announced in Sweden, and we'll hear it as it's happening.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, 2.8 milliseconds later.
Sheldon: Sure, because of the propagation.

George Sr.: So you want me to put that thing on that roof?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: So you can hear who won a science prize?
Sheldon: The Nobel Prize.
George Sr.: Why can't you read who won in the newspaper?
Sheldon: I could say the same thing about the Super Bowl, but you still watch it.
Missy: He got you there.

George Sr.: The Super Bowl is football. Your thing is- I don't even know what your thing is.
Sheldon: It's the most prestigious award in the field of physics.
George Sr.: I'll think about it.
Sheldon: When I win one, I might just thank you in my speech.
George Sr.: The things I do for you.

Sheldon: Good morning, Medford High School, this is Class President Sheldon Cooper with an important science bulletin. This Wednesday morning, the Nobel Prize in Physics will be announced, and I'd like to invite each and every one of you to my garage to listen live at 5:00 a.m. and be a part of scientific history. Food and refreshments will be served-

Sheldon: In other school news, this Friday night our football team will be playing another football team.

Sheldon: You'll be amazed to know that the Nobel Prize, while being the most prestigious award in science, is not generally celebrated in this country. No parades, no fireworks.
Which is why I thought having a breakfast celebration was not only appropriate, but long overdue. You may have noticed that I went with Cheerios, and believe me, it was a decision that I came to after careful consideration. There were birds on the Froot Loops, Cocoa Puffs and Corn Flakes, so they were out. And leprechauns and elves are magical creatures that would be a slap in the face to the scientific community. Anyway, the festivities begin at 4:30 a.m. You're most welcome to come. As are you, unhappy bag boy.

Mary: How's it going, baby?
Sheldon: I don't think anyone's showing up, not even Tam.
Mary: I'm here.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you're my mom. You live on the premises. At least Dr. Sturgis should be here any minute.
Mary: Shelly, I'm afraid Dr. Sturgis isn't coming this morning.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mary: He isn't feeling well.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Should we send him a get well card?
Mary: I think that'd be terrific.

[Church board says "Jesus Exorcises Every Day."]
Sheldon: Did you write that?
Mary: You betcha.
Sheldon: Instead of puns, have you considered composing a humorous palindrome? It's a phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards. For example, "Do geese see God?" Trust me. Both ways.
Mary: Come inside.
Sheldon: Some other good ones are radar, level, kayak. That's a funny word. Kayak. Never get me in one.

Sheldon: So what's the plan? How will I be entertained all day?
Mary: I thought you could be my little helper.
Sheldon: I prefer executive assistant. Carries more weight.

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: "Mom" is also a palindrome. M-O-M.

Peg: Hey, little man. How you doing?
Sheldon: You smell like cigarettes.
Peg: You're fun.
Sheldon: Do you know what this binder is?
Peg: It's a record of donations people make to the church.
Sheldon: This data could easily be transferred into a computerized spreadsheet. Why isn't it?
Peg: No idea.
Sheldon: You also smell like mothballs and Ben-Gay. [Peg turns and walks away] Bye.

Sheldon: Meemaw, I've been going through the church records, and I noticed you haven't made a donation in quite a long time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Why are you going through the records?
Sheldon: I'm an executive assistant.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good for you.

Sheldon: [choking] There's lemon in this water.

Missy: I'm liking my crock monster.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mmm. Me, too.
Sheldon: I can't taste anything after the lemon water.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's my first time going to a casino.
Meemaw: It's amazing. There's bright lights and bells and buzzers and people yelling.
Dr. John Sturgis and Sheldon: Ugh.
[Meemaw and Missy look at each other]

Sheldon: These people clearly don't know what ten percent means.
Missy: What are you talking about? This is the list of all the people who belong to the church and how much money they donate. Dorothy and Fred Nelson gave a dollar last week.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: They own the Piggly Wiggly. They can afford to give much more.

Sheldon: Oh, hello, is this the Nelson residence? Oh, good. I'm Sheldon Cooper, the executive assistant secretary at the First Baptist Church of Medford. I'm looking through our donation records, and I've noticed that you've tapered off a bit. Well, yes, your children's education is expensive, but so is running a church. Oh, boy! I'll be sure to tell the pastor. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] That earned a sip of Yoo-hoo.