Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Mary: I've been buying groceries for the church food drive. I think that's it.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet I could write that off, including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store and then to the church.
George Sr.: With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.
Sheldon: Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Sheldon: Dad, banking question.
George Sr.: What's that, buddy?
Sheldon: I noticed there's a check missing. I have a copy of check 128 and a copy of check 130, but 129 isn't there.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.
Sheldon: But I enjoy worrying; I find it very relaxing.
George Sr.: 'course you do.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Sheldon: I balanced the rest of the account, and it appears to be a check for $300.
George Sr.: All right, well, let's just put it down for $300 for miscellaneous.
Sheldon: I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

George Sr.: What do you say we keep this quiet?
Sheldon: You mean like a secret?
George Sr.: No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.
Sheldon: What about Mom?
George Sr.: Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Sheldon: What if Mom needs to know?
George Sr.: Okay, it's a secret. Just trust me. It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
George Sr.: It's not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.
Sheldon: But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Mary: Sweet dreams. Love you.
Sheldon: Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Missy: You're so weird.
Sheldon: More than usual?
Missy: No, I guess not.
Sheldon: Perfect.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Adult Sheldon: To avoid looking suspicious, I tried to interact with my mom as little as possible. Thankfully, it's rude to speak with your mouth full.
Mary: You look tired, baby. Sleep okay?
Sheldon: [shoveling food into his mouth] Mm-hmm.
Mary: So how big a tax refund you think we're gonna get?
Sheldon: [pointing at his mouth] Mm.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Adult Sheldon: There was only so much food I could eat, so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.
George Sr.: [OPENING A CUPBOARD AND FINDING SHELDON] What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: [WHISPERING] Keeping your secret.
George Sr.: You got to pull it together.
Sheldon: This is me pulling it together.
George Sr.: Pull harder.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Adult Sheldon: Avoiding my mother in our own house was proving to be difficult, so it was time to get creative.
Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel. I'd be arriving tonight. No, it's just me. Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy. And how much would this room cost? Wow. Is that per month? Per day? By any chance, do you have a children's rate?

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Sheldon: We've been friends for a while now, haven't we?
Tam: I suppose so.
Sheldon: Given that, how would you feel about a sleepover?
Tam: Sure. Your mom lets you watch TV. Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.
Sheldon: I meant we could sleep at your house.
Tam: But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.
Sheldon: Even better. So what do you say?
Tam: I'll have to ask my mom.
Sheldon: Well, be sure to tell her I'm clean, I'm well-behaved, and if you don't have a lot of room, I can fit in really tight spaces.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

George Sr.: So your first sleepover. Pretty exciting, huh?
Sheldon: No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

George Sr.: Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight. When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause then he'll go to, you know, scratch his nose, and he gets shaving cream on his face.
Sheldon: And then what?
George Sr.: Well that - that's it.
Sheldon: But I'm a guest in their home, and that doesn't seem like a very good way to repay their kindness.
George Sr.: Never mind.
Sheldon: And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes? That would sting.
George Sr.: Sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream. I'd have to use his dad's, and that-
George Sr.: Forget it!

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Tam: Sheldon. Did you hear anything I said?
Sheldon: Sorry, I was reliving a traumatic experience.
Tam: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Tam, I have a secret that's weighing on me, and I need to tell someone.
Tam: Okay. Tell me.
Sheldon: But I promised I wouldn't.
Tam: Okay. Then don't.
Sheldon: But it's driving me crazy.
Tam: Too bad you're not Catholic. You could confess it to a priest.
Sheldon: That's a great idea. You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you.
Tam: I'm not a priest.
Sheldon: I'm not a Catholic. It makes perfect sense.

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

Tam: Okay, whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Tam: I'm assuming the position.
Sheldon: Okay. Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.
Tam: I forgive you, my son.
Sheldon: I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. I asked my father about it-
Adult Sheldon: As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception. By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.
Sheldon: That's the whole story.
Tam: Cool. Can we play now?
Adult Sheldon: And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!

Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce

George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm talking to you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not talking to you.
George Sr.: Okay, what's going on?
Sheldon: After having my first good night's sleep in a week, I woke up with a fresh perspective.
George Sr.: And that is?
Sheldon: It was irresponsible of you to burden me with that secret.
George Sr.: Sheldon, we've been through this. It's complicated.
Sheldon: While I may not look up to you from an intellectual standpoint, I've always looked up to you as a role model. I can't do that anymore. And don't worry, we made a deal. I'll continue to keep your secret.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Sheldon: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon: He has four limbs and they have eight.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Sheldon: Meemaw, could you take me to Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sure, maybe later.
Sheldon: Later's a little vague. Could you please be more specific?
Meemaw: When I'm good and ready. How's that?
Sheldon: Better, but I'd really like to nail this down.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Sheldon: Any more thoughts on Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sheldon, do you really think this is the appropriate time to ask that question?
Sheldon: I did, but now I'm second-guessing myself.