Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Mary: Look who's awake. How are you feelin'?
Sheldon: I had a dream. I solved a unified field theory.
Mary: Well, good for you.
Sheldon: But I can't remember it.
Mary: Hmm. Well, you were mumblin' something about gravity and forces.
Sheldon: You need to be more specific.
Mary: Shelly, you weren't makin' much sense.
Sheldon: Mother, a unified field theory is the holy grail of physics. Solving it would be the greatest breakthrough in the history of science.
Missy: And you forgot it. That's funny.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

[fantasy scene:]
Sheldon: Do you really possess all knowledge?
Thoth: You only get one question, kid. You want that to be it?
Sheldon: Oh. No. How can I unify the four fundamental forces of the universe?
Thoth: Now we're talking. In order to unify gravity, you must first understand that it is a distortion of space-time.
[reality:]
Sheldon: [mumbling] Gravity. Of course.
Dr. Bowers: He even talks in his sleep. Why am I not surprised?

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

[fantasy scene:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Step right up. Step right up for your chance to meet Thoth! The Egyptian god of knowledge. He has all the answers. No question too big or small. Hello, young man. Do you have a question you'd like to pose?
Sheldon: I do, but nobody in the history of science has ever been able to answer it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Well, they haven't asked the great god Thoth! Right this way! Ask your question.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Dr. Bowers: Okay, Sheldon, we're gonna put the mask on. Now you just breathe normally and count back from 100.
Sheldon: But counting back from 100 isn't complex enough to occupy my mind.
Dr. Bowers: You're up again.
Mary: Why don't you think of something more sciencey? Like counting pi. That's a thing, right? Pi?
Sheldon: I can't count pi, it's an irrational number. But I can embrace the spirit of your proposal and calculate the matrix coefficients necessary for a unified field theory.
Dr. Bowers: Do that. Hit it.
Sheldon: [slurring] Of the four fundamental forces, the most difficult to unify is gravity because...
Dr. Bowers: Oh, thank God.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Dr. Bowers: So, you don't need to worry about needles 'cause we're gonna put you under for the procedure.
Sheldon: No, thank you. There are risks associated with anesthesia.
Dr. Bowers: Feel free to jump in.
Mary: Are there any other options?
Dr. Bowers: Well, he could stay awake for it, but we'd have to give him novocaine.
Sheldon: No needles. Just pull the tooth.
Sheldon: [exhaling rhythmically]
Dr. Bowers: Okay. Just so you know, I'm gonna be using this.
Sheldon: Drugs, please.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Ms. Hutchins: Hi, Sheldon, what can I do for you?
Sheldon: Do you have any books or videos on the Lamaze technique?
Ms. Hutchins: Uh-oh. Georgie get that girl pregnant?
Sheldon: It's for me. I need to have a tooth pulled, and I'd like to do it without putting my brain on drugs.
Ms. Hutchins: Okay.
Sheldon: I've seen that commercial with the egg in the frying pan. Very effective.

Quote from the episode A Baby Tooth and the Egyptian God of Knowledge

Mary: So, Sheldon, little bit of dental news. You have a baby tooth that never fell out.
Sheldon: Neat. Even my teeth are stubborn.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Sheldon: What's going on?
Mary: It looks like Pastor Jeff and Robin are gonna move in next door.
Pastor Jeff: And that's not the only news.
Officer Robin: We're expecting.
Mary: Oh! What a beautiful blessing!
Pastor Jeff: Hey, Sheldon, maybe someday you can babysit for us.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon cradling a crying baby in his arms:]
Sheldon: [singing] Rock-a-bye, baby.
[present:]
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To apply for college.
Pastor Jeff: When he sees the baby, he'll come around.
Sheldon: No, I won't.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

George Sr.: You want your boss living next door?
Mary: Not exactly.
Sheldon: You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that Principal Petersen cannot live next door to me.
Missy: That sounds made-up.
Sheldon: A principal who tells lies. What are we gonna do with this one?

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George Sr.: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Ms. Ingram: I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Sheldon: Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently, I'm hilarious.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah, well... Neither-neither do you!

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Mr. Lundy: Sheldon, if you think you're gonna stop me from selling this house, you're wrong.
Sheldon: Oh, am I?
Mr. Lundy: They tried to stop me from staging The Crucible on roller skates. A lot of understudies went on that day... but so did the show.
Sheldon: You do not want me as an enemy. Or as a friend, sibling or student, I've been told.
Mr. Lundy: All right, look, if it's so important to you, why don't you just go out and find a buyer that you'd be happy with?
Sheldon: So if I find someone I deem acceptable, you'd sell them the house?
Mr. Lundy: If the bank approves, so do I.
Sheldon: Excellent. I wonder if Stephen Hawking would like Texas. It's very flat.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Sheldon: Mr. Lundy. Oh, what now? What happened with the open house after you had me kicked out? Were there any potential buyers? And if so, can I have their names so I can run a background check with my friends in blue?

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Sheldon: [on the phone] Yes, I'm still here.
Officer Robin: Sorry, no murders. Just one death from natural causes in 1948.
Sheldon: How can we be sure it wasn't foul play?
Officer Robin: The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's a lot of years to make enemies.
Officer Robin: Bye. [line clicks, dial tone sounds]

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Officer Robin. This is Sheldon Cooper.
Officer Robin: What's wrong, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I was wondering if anyone was murdered in the house next door to mine.
Officer Robin: You mean murdered today?
Sheldon: No, ever, but today would work, too.
Officer Robin: It'll take me a while to check.
Sheldon: That's fine, I can hold. [to Tam] Tell Mr. Givens I may be a little late to class. It's a police matter.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Sheldon: Ooh, listen to this: "A seller or seller's agent must disclose if a homicide has occurred on the property."
Tam: Why is that helpful?
Sheldon: That could scare off any unwanted buyers.
Tam: Has there ever been a murder next door?
Sheldon: I sure hope so.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Mary: Mr. Lundy? Come in. What brings you here?
Mr. Lundy: I'm the listing agent on the house next door.
Mary: But I thought you were a teacher and a...
Mr. Lundy: And an actor, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to get your son out of my open house.
Mary: Why, what's he doin'?
Mr. Lundy: Well...
[flashback montage:]
Sheldon: I noticed there's hair on your coat. Clearly yours is falling out, but do you also have pets?
Sheldon: I detect a hint of garlic. Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods or are you afraid of vampires?
Sheldon: Is there any chance you're just fat?
[present:]
Mary: Oh, dear, I'll go get him.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you. Kind of a dump. But I could sell it.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I had no choice but to determine if any of these prospective home buyers would be suitable neighbors. This shifty fellow?
Sheldon: He looks like trouble.
Adult Sheldon: That woman and whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?
Sheldon: Probably a machete.
Adult Sheldon: Oh, this lady seems promising.
[fantasy scene of Sheldon laying awake at night as a baby cries]
Sheldon: Not on my watch.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Sheldon: Something suspicious is happening next door.
George Sr.: Like what?
Sheldon: Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to sell drugs.
George Sr.: No one's selling drugs, they're just havin' an open house.
Sheldon: What's that?
George Sr.: They open up the house so people interested in buyin' it can take a look.
Sheldon: That explains why 911 hung up on me.