Meemaw: I'm not getting any younger.
Sheldon: I have to read the instructions first. Did you know this document gives us specific legal rights? We may also have other rights which vary from state to state?
Meemaw: I did not.
Sheldon: Well, now you do. All right, I'm ready.
Meemaw: Great!
Sheldon: To read the manufacturer's warranty.
Meemaw: Oh, you're killing me.

Sheldon: Where's Georgie?
George: Don't worry about it.
Sheldon: I wasn't worried. I was practicing chitchat.

Sheldon: This is hooky, Meemaw. Hooky is a serious offense.
Meemaw: You're messing with me, right? Any other kid would be thrilled their grandma took them out of school to play a video game.
Sheldon: You've known me ten years. When have I ever messed with you?

Sheldon: Well, I was supposed to observe family dynamics over Thanksgiving for my hypothesis, then make a prediction.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. All right. So, um, what did you observe?
Sheldon: My mom and dad arguing over moving to Oklahoma for my dad's job.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would concur with that observation. Now, can you form a hypothesis based on that?
Sheldon: Well, their marriage is a zero sum game. What's good for my father isn't good for my mother and vice versa.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. And your prediction?
Sheldon: Well, based on previous arguments I've observed, my father will try to reassert his dominance by making a meaningless symbolic gesture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? That seems a bit of a stretch. [George pulls up in a red Fiero with REO Speedwagon's "Take it on the Run" blaring] I will never question you again.

Mary: How do they feel?
Sheldon: My brand loyalty is being severely tested.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Billy Sparks: Sparks residence, Billy speaking.
Sheldon: This is the electric company.
Billy Sparks: Hello.
Sheldon: I'm calling to see if your refrigerator is running.
Billy Sparks: I'll go check. ... I'm back. It's running.
Sheldon: Well, then you better go catch it. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Hello, um, Meemaw, this is Sheldon. If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?" Um, okay. Bazinga.

Missy: That was pathetic.
Sheldon: It was. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
Missy: I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.
Sheldon: I suppose I am. Life is so confusing. I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but now I'm not so sure it will.
Missy: It's gonna be all right. [LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND] You were faking?
Sheldon: Bazinga.

Missy: Can you help me with my math homework?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: Please. It's really hard.
Sheldon: "It" isn't the problem.
Missy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine, what are you working on?
Missy: There's a number, then there's a line, then there's another number under it.
Sheldon: Fractions?
Missy: Yes, fractions.
Adult Sheldon: At that moment, it occurred to me if I could teach mathematics to someone as dull-witted as my sister, I could create a race of superhumans that would do my bidding.
And who wouldn't want that?
Missy: Please, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You know what, Missy? I'd be happy to help you.

Adult Sheldon: No surprise, despite my adamant protest, I didn't go home.
Instead, I had to stay and suffer in silence like the Southern gentleman my mother raised me to be.
Sheldon: What's this? I asked for red.
Nurse Pryor: All they had was green.
Sheldon: Well, then you and I have a problem, don't we?

Ricky: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I had to have my gallbladder removed. Why are you here?
Ricky: I'm having surgery tomorrow.
Sheldon: How come?
Ricky: I was born with a hole in my heart.
Sheldon: My mom says everyone is born with a Jesus-shaped hole in their heart, but I'm guessing this is different.

Ricky: Yeah, they're gonna put a patch on it.
Sheldon: And then it just stays there forever?
Ricky: Yeah, like a Band-Aid you never have to pull off.
Sheldon: That's great, because that's the worst thing about Band-Aids. [Ricky chuckles] They may have removed my gallbladder, but not my wicked sense of humor.

Sheldon: How did you find out you have a hole in your heart?
Ricky: I fainted playing soccer.
Sheldon: Hmm, I guess I'm fortunate.
Ricky: Why?
Sheldon: I don't and never will play soccer.

Ricky: I actually don't mind it here.
Sheldon: What about the food?
Ricky: It's not as good as my grandma's tamales, but nothing is.
Sheldon: How long has she been taking care of you?
Ricky: My whole life. She'd be here, but she's watching my brother.
Sheldon: My meemaw takes care of us sometimes, too.
Ricky: I'm excited for my heart to be fixed, 'cause then, she won't have to worry about me anymore. But hey, once they put the patch on my heart, I'll sort of be like Iron Man.
Sheldon: Technically, Iron Man has a magnet, not a patch.
Ricky: And technically, I said "sort of."
Sheldon: Touche.