[title: "Besmirching the competition"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at a vending machine]
Sheldon: I overheard some of your other candidates talking about marijuana.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't care.
Sheldon: Well, you should. I think they plan on smoking it.

Sheldon: Here you go. 473 grease-free bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.
Sheldon: Now what? How about I help you design an even better solar neutrino detector?
Dr. Linkletter: Actually, what I need you to do is... take this grease and put it on these bolts.
Sheldon: But I just took the grease off the bolts.
Dr. Linkletter: That was the wrong grease. This is the right grease. Have at it.
Sheldon: If this is some kind of test to get me to quit, it's not going to work.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't know what you were expecting, but this is a menial job. After this, I need you to sort a crate of resistors, strip a case of wire and then sweep up.
Sheldon: Oh. Then I quit.

Sheldon: How may I assist you today?
Dr. Linkletter: Follow me.
Sheldon: Should I look over your notes? Would you like me to double-check your math?
Dr. Linkletter: See these bolts? Scrub the grease off.
Sheldon: But there's hundreds of them.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. That's where you come in.
Sheldon: Surely there's a better use of my intellect.
Dr. Linkletter: Son, we're building a solar neutrino detector. If you don't want the job, there's the door.
Sheldon: No, I want it.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.
Sheldon: [sighs] Although that door does look tempting.

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Can I be your lab assistant?
Dr. Linkletter: What time is it?
Sheldon: That's not a no.
Dr. Linkletter: If I say yes, will you please stop hounding me?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Dr. Linkletter: Fine. You win. Good night.
Sheldon: Just out of scientific curiosity, were you persuaded by the disorienting nature of this late-night phone call or by the cumulative weight of my relentlessness?
Dr. Linkletter: That one. [hangs up]
Adult Sheldon: I learned an important lesson that night. When you want something, relentlessly annoying is your road to victory.

[title: "Flattery"; Sheldon is in Linkletter's office again]
Sheldon: You know what?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I was just admiring your posture. You're not all hunched over like most people your age.
[Dr. Linkletter points to the door for Sheldon to leave]

Sheldon: And then he said he wouldn't give me special treatment.
Meemaw: I think what he said is everybody should be treated equally.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, is this Russia? Should we get in line for bread?

Dr. Linkletter: Son, lab assistants are usually upperclassmen.
Sheldon: I believe I've been at this university long enough to be considered.
Dr. Linkletter: You've been here two weeks.
Sheldon: Hey, 15 days if you count orientation.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, there's a waitlist of students who've applied for that position. I just can't give you special treatment.
Sheldon: Not with that attitude.
Dr. Linkletter: Tell you what, I'll think about it.
Sheldon: Should I come back or should I wait?
Dr. Linkletter: Come back.
Sheldon: I'll wait.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought about it. No.

[title: "Bribery"; Sheldon goes to see Linkletter in his office]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter?
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: If you look in your drawer, you'll find a little something. I hope you like peanut butter cookies.
Dr. Linkletter: This isn't going to change my mind.
Sheldon: You sure?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes.
Sheldon: Then give them back, they're my favorite.

[title: "Begging"; Sheldon follows Dr. Linkletter down the hall]
Sheldon: Say yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: HIja.
Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: That's "yes" in Klingon.
Dr. Linkletter: How do you say "no" in Klingon?
Sheldon: Qo'.
Dr. Linkletter: Qo'!
Sheldon: Aw.

Adult Sheldon: Since my meemaw was being stingy with her love, I had to find another way to change Dr. Linkletter's mind. I decided to treat this like a science experiment... test various methods of persuasion to determine which was the most effective.
[title: "Peer Pressure"; Sheldon approaches Linkletter at the water fountain:]
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I was talking to the other physics professors and they think you having an 11-year-old lab assistant would be neat.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Don't you want your peers to think you're cool?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: I would.
Dr. Linkletter: No.

Meemaw: It's his lab, Sheldon. He can do what he wants.
Sheldon: I've got it. Dr. Linkletter likes you. You go on a date with him and when he tries to kiss you, say you'll do it, but only if he gives me the job.
Meemaw: I'm gonna ask you to think hard about what you just said.
Sheldon: What? I want something, he wants something... seems like a win-win.
Meemaw: Not for me.
Sheldon: You get a free dinner. Make him take you someplace nice. Ooh, maybe Sizzler.
Meemaw: Sheldon.

Gary: I believe we have to look to gravity and its magnitude...
Adult Sheldon: I was really doing my best to hold it together.
Gary: ...could be a repulsive force if you just add negative mass.
Adult Sheldon: I smiled and nodded like my meemaw's Houston Oilers bobblehead.
Gary: And I also discovered a way that we could predict the masses of all the known particles using the Egyptian pyramids.
Adult Sheldon: In physics, there's a phenomenon known as supercritical assembly. If you bring enough material together in one place...
Gary: The trick is numerology.
Adult Sheldon: ...in the right configuration, eventually, it will explode.
Gary: This is fun. Not a lot of people I can talk to scientist-to-scientist.
Sheldon: We're not talking scientist-to-scientist. You're not a scientist. You're just a rich man that no one will be honest to because everyone wants your money.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, don't listen to him. I mean, he's just a kid. Why don't you tell me a little more about your pyramid thingy? Huh?

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, why don't you tell Mr. O'Brien about some of your goals at the university.
Sheldon: Well, I'm pushing for stricter dress codes. There are a lot of belly buttons on display.
George Sr.: Science goals.
Sheldon: My ultimate goal is to one day devise the grand unified field theory.
Gary: Ah. You're one of those, are you?
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Gary: Well, Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorems eliminate the possibility of a unified theory.
Sheldon: You honestly believe that?
George Sr.: Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's... interesting. Tell me more about how Einstein's life goal was nothing but folly.

George Sr.: Now, when you meet this guy, you got to shake his hand.
Sheldon: What if I offer a stately bow? That's how they do it in Asia.
George Sr.: You're shaking his hand.
Sheldon: Then it's a good thing I brought Old Righty. [holds up a mitten-covered hand]
George Sr.: You're not wearing that in a restaurant.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you don't make a good impression by being afraid to shake hands.
Sheldon: Howard Hughes was a germophobe, and he did quite well for himself.
George Sr.: Didn't he go crazy and save his pee in jars?
Sheldon: Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
George Sr.: You're shaking his hand!
Sheldon: Okay!

George Sr.: Is what they're asking really that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. I go to this university to study science, not to help collect money like an organ grinder's monkey.
George Sr.: You see me go to the rallies and fundraisers at the high school. I don't love it, but I do it.
Sheldon: And I hope they give you all the bananas you can eat.
George Sr.: Sheldon, donors like this are very helpful for the university. They pay for all the science equipment and your scholarship.
Sheldon: I hadn't thought of it that way.
George Sr.: So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday?
Sheldon: I'll think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about? It's a night of you showing off how smart you are.
Sheldon: People do like that. All right, I'm in.

George Sr.: Come on, Sheldon, think of it as a free dinner.
Sheldon: I'm a kid. All my dinners are free.

President Hagemeyer: All I'm asking you to do is to go to dinner, talk about science with a very nice and, more importantly, a very rich person.
Sheldon: Understood. No, thank you.
George Sr.: Buddy...
President Hagemeyer: All right, uh, Sheldon, I was brought to this school to help raise its profile, and one of the ways to do that is through grants and donations. You- You can understand that, right?
Sheldon: I understand that you would like to put the novelty of my age and advanced intellect on display to raise some cash.
President Hagemeyer: No. Sort of. [to George] Can I speak to you alone?
George Sr.: Will you give us a minute?
Sheldon: Very well. But if you're looking to see if my father will be a potential donor, you are barking up the wrong tree.

President Hagemeyer: Well, I'll just get right to the point. Uh, I would like you and your son to meet with a very important benefactor of the college.
George Sr.: Why us?
President Hagemeyer: Well, I mean, Sheldon is... is an impressive addition to the physics program, and- and we like our donors to feel really good about where their money's going.
George Sr.: I get it. You want the star quarterback to shake some hands with the boosters.
President Hagemeyer: Exactly.
Sheldon: I'm not doing that. I didn't shake her hand, and she's the president.
President Hagemeyer: No, you don't have to shake anybody's hand.
Sheldon: Then why did you say it?
President Hagemeyer: I didn't say it. He said it.
Sheldon: But you agreed with it.

Adult Sheldon: College is a time for new experiences, being exposed to exciting ways of thinking, meeting people from different backgrounds, and the unexpected visit from your dad in gym shorts.
George Sr.: Hey.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
George Sr.: I got a phone call. Apparently, the head of the college wants to talk to us.
Sheldon: Oh, good.
George Sr.: You sure it's good?
Sheldon: Well, it's better than what I thought when I saw you, which was, "Uh-oh, Meemaw died."

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know if you thought this through, but you're here on a physics scholarship, and switching to philosophy may not be well-received.
Sheldon: Ordinarily, I'd be concerned, but I'm currently embracing hedonism. [eats a candy from Linkletter's jar]
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I've been made responsible for you, and so far, it's not going very well. You were admitted to this university for your scientific acumen. And changing majors could have serious repercussions. [Sheldon blows bubbles] Son, please try to understand. If you abandon physics for philosophy, [Sheldon blows a big bubble] [fades out] You're gonna be missing out on the opportunity to be part of something great. Possibly...
Adult Sheldon: As Dr. Linkletter prattled on, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of that ephemeral bubble. I wondered if perhaps we're all just bubbles, being buffeted through life on a stream of currents beyond our understanding. Look at it. The local minimization achieves a global maximization, and it's nearly perfect. I wondered if this was the key to the smoothness of matter in the universe. The cosmic web of stars and galaxies could hold it together like the web of polymers in soap! This could be a whole new area of research.
Dr. Linkletter: Changing majors would be a huge mistake, but if this is what you really want, here you go. Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Dr. Linkletter: Here you go. Good luck with philosophy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm back on science now. I have work to do. [exits]