Sheldon Quotes
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Adult Sheldon: Renaissance humanism is finding meaning in the human form through art.
Billy Sparks: Can I move?
Sheldon: No.
Billy Sparks: But my butt itches.
Sheldon: Scratch it on your own time.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Sheldon: It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed, and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.
Meemaw: Well, maybe instead of making this big switch, you could study both. You could be physics-philosophy guy.
Sheldon: You sound like a logical positivist. That's a branch of philosophy that maintains the best way to philosophize is through science.
Meemaw: Well, there you go. Do that.
Sheldon: It may be too early to specialize. I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.
Meemaw: Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled about you leaving science?
Sheldon: He never looks thrilled about anything. I think that's just his face. [Meemaw turns to look at Sheldon] That's the face.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Adult Sheldon: Altruism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to others.
[Sheldon lays down a plate of crackers in front of Missy]
Sheldon: These are for you.
Missy: Thanks.
[Sheldon takes the plate and walks away]
Missy: What the hell?!
Adult Sheldon: Egoism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
Sheldon: [eats] Mmm. These are pretty good.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Adult Sheldon: Nihilists believe that there's no point to anything, because it all ends in nothingness.
Missy: Mind if I put on MTV?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.
Missy: Deep thought, dingus.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Adult Sheldon: Transcendentalists were philosophers who believed that our deepest connection is with nature.
Sheldon: Eh.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Dr. Linkletter: Although tasty, a brick of cheese is not a number. Why are we still talking about this?
Sheldon: Maybe we're not talking at all.
Dr. Linkletter: Okay, that's enough for today.
Sheldon: Not your best lecture.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Dr. Linkletter: So, according to de Broglie, lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times what? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is it velocity?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. Now...
Sheldon: Or is it a velociraptor?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times a velociraptor. Or a velveteen rabbit. Ooh, or Velveeta. That's the cheese my mom puts on broccoli when she's being fancy.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this from your philosophy class or perhaps that Ren & Stumpy I've heard about?
Sheldon: Philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Mr. Cooper, do you really believe that de Broglie's equation contains Velveeta cheese?
Sheldon: I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
Meemaw: What's this philosophy teacher's name?
Sheldon: Professor Ericson. Why?
Meemaw: I might pop in and say hello.
Sheldon: Be careful. She may make you question your most deeply held values.
Meemaw: I'm a stubborn old crank. I'll do just fine.
Sheldon: I'm a stubborn young crank, and it didn't help me.
Quote from the episode An Existential Crisis and a Bear That Makes Bubbles
George Sr.: All right, what's the problem here?
Sheldon: I don't know what's real.
George Sr.: That's a fun thing to think about on the way to school. Get up and get dressed.
Sheldon: Maybe I'm already dressed. Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats. That's a shoe covering that's short for "spatterdasher." Or is it? There's no way to know.
George Sr.: Here's what I know: I don't have time for this nonsense.
Sheldon: What is time? What is sense? What is "is"?
George Sr.: Sheldon, I mean it.
Sheldon: I remember when things meant things.
George Sr.: All right, I'm gonna count to three. One...
Sheldon: Believing in numbers... That takes me back.
George Sr.: Two...
Sheldon: To be or not to be. Shakespeare was onto something.
George Sr.: It's your last chance.
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered if you're the tongue of a multidimensional being trying to taste something you can never even understand? I have.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Mary: Shelly, you feeling all right?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: How come you're not dressed?
Sheldon: Why should I?
Mary: 'Cause you're gonna be late for school.
Sheldon: I'm not going to school.
Mary: Why not?
Sheldon: Because I don't know what's real.
Mary: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Dreaming and waking, life and death, philosophers and butterflies, they're all the same. Nothing matters.
Mary: That's an interesting way of looking at things. George?
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Professor Ericson: So we learned that the theory of knowledge poses some very serious problems.
Sheldon: [enters] Excuse me, Professor Ericson. I've done a little reading since last we spoke, and I'm prepared to show you that everything we know about science is true.
Professor Ericson: Well, I am all ears.
Sheldon: You said I couldn't truly know anything, but there is one thing that I do know. If I question, I must think; If I think, I must exist. Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am.
Professor Ericson: You're right.
Sheldon: You're darn right I'm right.
Professor Ericson: Guys, g-give it up for Sheldon. [applause] Now for a job well done... here is a flower full of sweet nectar.
Sheldon: Why would I want that?
Professor Ericson: Because you're a butterfly and this is just your dream.
Sheldon: I'm not a butterfly.
Professor Ericson: Are you sure? [laughs]
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: It was a dream. Oh, no. [camera pans out] Help! I'm a butterfly! Nothing I know is real! Everything is a dream! Missy, help! [Missy holds a fly swatter] No!
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: Missy, am I awake or is this a dream?
Missy: Shut up, dingus.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm awake.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Mary: What if we don't turn the TV on at all and we play a board game?
George Jr.: Come on.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: [v.o.] "So that a genealogy of concepts results, in which each one has its definite place."
Mary: Shelly, it's your turn. Shelly?
[Sheldon and Mary are suddenly alone at the table:]
Sheldon: What's happening?
Mary: We're playing a board game.
Sheldon: Before dinner?
Mary: You ate dinner.
Sheldon: Did I like it?
Mary: You said the meat loaf was dry.
Sheldon: That sounds right.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
[dream sequence:]
Sheldon: Hello?
Rene Descartes: Bonjour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Bonjour, René Descartes.
Rene Descartes: Please, sit.
Sheldon: I see you're reading a book on philosophy by Aristotle.
Rene Descartes: I am. And it is garbage! Aristotle is, how you say, a punk! [throws book on the fire]
Sheldon: I'm also having trouble with my philosophy professor.
Rene Descartes: Hmm?
Sheldon: She says that we don't know if science is true.
Rene Descartes: Mon dieu! Without science, we know nothing. No different than the dogs and kitties in the street wandering around in a fog of ignorance with the woofings and the meowings.
Sheldon: So how do I get her to understand that science can form true beliefs about reality as it really is?
Rene Descartes: Ah, young man. You are you asking what is the foundation of knowledge, huh?
Sheldon: Yes.
Rene Descartes: Well, hold on to your chapeau.
Sheldon: I'm not wearing a chapeau.
Rene Descartes: It is just an expression.
Sheldon: Sorry.
Rene Descartes: All knowledge must rest on a foundation that we can never doubt and that is...
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: Of course.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: I stopped at the library today and picked up books on epistemology, Descartes's dream argument and the foundations of scientific logic. Do you know what she's going to do?
Meemaw: Rue the day?
Sheldon: The day, the night. If it's rue-able, she's going to rue it.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: And then she said, "Maybe you're just dreaming."
Meemaw: Are you gonna drop the class?
Sheldon: Yes, but only after I systematically destroy her half-baked arguments in front of everybody else.
Meemaw: It's good to have goals.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Meemaw: How was your first day?
Sheldon: Infuriating.
[cut to:]
Mary: How was your first day?
Missy: So good.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: How was your first day? [Georgie is wearing headphones]
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Professor Ericson: Mr. Cooper, welcome. How can I help you?
Sheldon: I would like to drop your class.
Professor Ericson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoyed our discussion about skepticism. And butterflies.
Sheldon: I'm a scientist, and I don't find those types of questions worth my time. And butterflies are just worms that can chase you.
Professor Ericson: [laughs] The questions of philosophy are extremely challenging. People have spent 2,000-plus years trying to solve them without success. So if you feel like giving up, I don't blame you.
Sheldon: I'm not giving up. I'm saying they're not important.
Professor Ericson: Okay, so what is important?
Sheldon: The acquisition of factual knowledge.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know if something is factual?
Sheldon: You test it and see if it holds true.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know that that's factual?
Sheldon: ... You're doing it again.
Professor Ericson: Maybe you're dreaming I'm doing it.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: "The statement on the other side of this sign is true."
[Sheldon flips over the sign to read "The statement on the other side of the sign is false."]
Sheldon: Ugh. [knocks]
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Professor Ericson: Very well, Mr. Cooper, how do you know you're not just dreaming butterflies can't dream?
Sheldon: Because I'm awake.
Professor Ericson: Or are you dreaming you're awake?
Sheldon: You can see I'm awake and you can hear me talking.
Professor Ericson: Yeah... I don't know. I saw some pretty trippy stuff at a Grateful Dead concert. The drummer turned into a tap-dancing walrus and floated away. So we can't really trust our senses, can we?
Sheldon: We can validate them by comparing them with other observers.
Professor Ericson: Mm, but that would mean we have to hear what they say, which requires... trusting our senses. Do you see a problem with your argument, Mr. Cooper?
Sheldon: I could concentrate better if you weren't flashing your toes at me.
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