Sheldon Quotes

Quote from the episode A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car

Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Pat: Look, you seem like nice folk, but Yankees ain't popular around here. I suggest you be on your way.
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry to have troubled you. Let's go.
Sheldon: Excuse me. My colleagues may be from the North, but for your information, I'm a Texan, born and bred. I know that real chili has no beans, and when my meemaw says, "Bless your heart," she means something very different. Now, my friend here is in need of help, and since our state motto is literally "friendship," may he please use your phone?
Pat: Well, dang. [puts the phone on the bar]
Dr. John Sturgis: And could I trouble you for a yellow pages?
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, boy.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Sheldon: Oh. Says here Fort Stockton is home to the world's largest roadrunner statue, which is the stuff of nightmares. But they do have a restroom.

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Sheldon: You might want to pace yourself. Our next rest stop isn't for another... 62 miles.
Dr. Linkletter: If anyone needs to go before that, I've got a trucker's buddy in back.
Sheldon: What's that?
Dr. Linkletter: A bottle you urinate in.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, are we the Donner Party?

Quote from the episode A Lobster, an Armadillo and a Way Bigger Number

Sheldon: In the meantime, can I call AAA?
Mary: Can it please wait?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: [sighs] Card is in my purse.
Sheldon: You're what guys call "a keeper."

Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

Dr. Lee: I was carrying pulsers 75 feet up a wet metal ladder when there was an earthquake. [chuckles] So, I am hanging on for dear life...
Sheldon: Ooh, we should set up several radio telescopes on different rooftops in an array.
Dr. Lee: [Mandarin: "Does this kid have an off switch?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: You speak Mandarin.
Dr. Linkletter: [Mandarin: "I do. I take it you do as well?"]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Mandarin: "Yes. And Sheldon doesn't have an off switch..."]
Sheldon: I heard my name. What are they saying?
Dr. Linkletter: I don't speak Mandarin. Just a little French.
Dr. Lee: Oh, really? [French: "I asked if Sheldon has an off switch."]
Dr. Linkletter: Ha! [French: "I wish he did!"] [laughter]
Sheldon: Well, does anyone here speak Klingon? [Klingon: "Where do you keep the chocolate?"]

Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

Dr. Lee: How can I help you?
Sheldon: I feel like my contributions aren't being taken seriously.
Dr. Lee: Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm listening to everyone's contributions.
Sheldon: But you're not taking any of mine.
Dr. Lee: No. But Drs. Linkletter and Sturgis seem happy with the direction we're headed.
Sheldon: Well, I think it's because you're using your feminine wiles.
Dr. Lee: And what exactly do you think that means?
Sheldon: I'm not sure, but you are wearing lip gloss and seem to have good hygiene. And if you're trying to use them on me, it's not going to work.
Dr. Lee: Sheldon, I assure you that I'm just trying to do what's best for the project.
Sheldon: Excellent, then you'll want to set up several telescopes in an array.
Dr. Lee: I hear you, but... ghobe'.
Sheldon: Wait, that's "no" in Klingon. Do you speak Klingon?
Dr. Lee: I looked up that one word. I had a feeling it would come in handy. [Sheldon grunts]

Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

Dr. Lee: I suggest we mount a radio telescope on the roof so that we can get a good read on the fluctuations in radiation.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. We'll pick a small region of the sky and drill down.
Dr. John Sturgis: Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes. We need at least a 45-square-degree sector of the sky in order to take any meaningful readings.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous. What we need to do is cut a single linear section across the horizon.
Dr. Linkletter: No, if we don't focus, we won't get any useful data. I suggest 20 arc minutes max. The trick is to pick a good spot.
Dr. John Sturgis: You want a trick? Go see David Copperfield.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I make you disappear?
Dr. Lee: [claps] Do I need to separate you? Or can we try to put our minds together for the advancement of science?
Dr. Linkletter: The second one.
Sheldon: I know you're new here, ma'am, but this is our process. They argue, I swoop in and save the day. It may seem unorthodox to you, however... [Dr. Lee claps again] The- The second one.

Quote from the episode A Free Scratcher and Feminine Wiles

President Hagemeyer: Well, I hope that you're starting to see the challenge I faced putting any of you in charge.
Sheldon: You're right, we're sorry.
Dr. Linkletter: Stop that.
Sheldon: Sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, we can't move forward until a project leader is chosen.
Sheldon: He's right, I'll do it.
Dr. Linkletter: You're a child.
Dr. John Sturgis: [to Linkletter] You're a child.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, you're all children.
Sheldon: Sorry. [to Linkletter] Sorry.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Darren: Get him something to throw up in. Oscar grabs a bowl] No, not the Skittles.
Oscar: Here, here.
Darren: Here.
Sheldon: Next door there's an emergency Alka-Seltzer tablet in my bathroom medicine chest.
Oscar: You have a bathroom?
Abby: Why does he get a bathroom?
Darren: Go throw up in your own bathroom.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Darren: "You open the gate of the crypt, and you see two identical elven princesses." Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I... I don't feel so good.
Darren: What's going on?
Sheldon: My stomach hurts.
Abby: How much did you eat?
Sheldon: Well...
[montage of Sheldon drinking cans of root beer, eating chips and candy]
Darren: Dude.
Sheldon: I need to lie down. [groans] Oh, I don't want to throw up.
Darren: We don't want you to throw up.
Abby: If he throws up, I throw up.
Darren: Well, what should we do?
Abby: I don't know. Why are you asking me?
Darren: You're the closest to a mom here.
Abby: I don't know. Call his mom.
Sheldon: Oh, no, don't call my mom. She'll never let me do this again. [groans]

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Mary: What is going on? Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon: My stomach hurts.
Darren: He's gonna throw up.
Mary: Did you give him beer? Did they give you beer?!
[Mary follows Sheldon, Darren and Oscar into the dorm room]
Sheldon: Just root beer.
Mary: It's gonna be okay, baby. [Sheldon throws up] Oh. Why is it so colorful?
Sheldon: Too many... [gags] Skittles. [retches]

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Sheldon: I don't know. I don't think I should.
Oscar: It's just root beer.
Sheldon: This late in the evening, my mother wouldn't approve.
Oscar: Okay.
Sheldon: Then again, I didn't think they'd let me stay, and they did, so maybe it's fine.
Oscar: I know, why don't you roll for it?
Sheldon: Ooh, good idea. Seventeen. Guess I'll have it.
Darren: We playing?
Sheldon: Hold on. Do you have a coaster?
Darren: Yeah, it's in the china cabinet.
Sheldon: And where would that be?

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Darren: Any chance you play Dungeons and Dragons?
Sheldon: And how. I once created a campaign set in 1940s London where Alan Turing was a character, and I had the mathematicians be magic users with theorems instead of spells. The intelligence officers were clerics...
Darren: "Yes" works. We're playing tonight and we're down a magic user. You in?
Sheldon: When are you playing?
Darren: We start at 7:00. We'll go till whenever.
Sheldon: My mom didn't let me stay past 6:00 yesterday. She'll never let me stay till "whenever."
Darren: Bummer.
Sheldon: Mm. You could play at my house.
Darren: No.
Sheldon: Bummer. I've never said that before. Did it sound cool?
Darren: No.
Sheldon: Bummer.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Oscar: Watch out for the CyberToad.
Sheldon: What's a CyberToad?
Darren: The evil little robot frogs. Although they're only known as CyberToads in the west. In Japan they're known as...
Oscar: MechaGamas.
Darren: Can I finish my own thoughts, please?
Oscar: He's very sensitive.
Sheldon: I'm protective of my fun facts, too.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Oscar: I'm hungry. You wanna order something?
Darren: Chinese?
Oscar: Little man, you want Chinese?
Sheldon: I don't know. I've never had Chinese food.
Oscar: Really?
Darren: We get it, like, two, three times a week.
Sheldon: Chinese food three times a week? That seems excessive.
Darren: How have you never had an egg roll?

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Oscar: Uh, who are you?
Sheldon: I'm in the room next door.
Oscar: Oh, you're that smart kid.
Darren: Who is it?
Oscar: That smart kid.
Darren: Tell him to come in.
Oscar: Want to come in?
Sheldon: No, I'm here to complain.
Oscar: He's here to complain.
Darren: Then don't let him in.
Oscar: You can't come in.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Sheldon: I'm trying to study, and your loud music is very distracting.
Oscar: You mean the game?
Sheldon: "The game"? I'm not up on today's one-named pop stars.
Oscar: No. It's a video game.
Sheldon: You have video games?
Oscar: A bunch. You play?
Sheldon: My meemaw and I beat Quest of Adeera.
Oscar: Dude, this kid beat Adeera.
Darren: Well, tell him to come in.

Quote from the episode A Lot of Band-Aids and the Cooper Surrender

Oscar: So, how old are you?
Sheldon: Twelve.
Oscar: Damn.
Darren: And they let you live here by yourself?
Sheldon: That room's just for during the day to study.
Oscar: Didn't I see some lady in there?
Sheldon: That must've been my mom.
Oscar: Dude, his mom is hot.
Darren: What is wrong with you? Don't listen to him. He thinks any female with a pulse is hot.
Oscar: I don't think your mom is hot.
Darren: Congratulations, you're more mature than him.
Sheldon: Don't feel bad. I'm more mature than most people.

Quote from the episode A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance

Adult Sheldon: I was normally a rule follower, but one of the rules of spring break is to cut loose and break rules.
Sheldon: I'm heading out.
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To see my comic book friends.
George Sr.: Hmm. I'm leaving in a few. You want a ride?
Sheldon: No, I'm taking my bike.
Adult Sheldon: All the way to the bus station. [Sheldon smirks]
George Sr.: Something funny?
Sheldon: Not funny. Just normal.
Adult Sheldon: Smooth.
Sheldon: Bye.
Adult Sheldon: So smooth.