Mary: All right, let's say grace.
George Jr.: [SNIFFLES] Guess I get to hold hands with you now.
George Sr.: Guess so. Maybe Sheldon's mittens weren't such a bad idea.

Meemaw: All I am saying is that this would be a great opportunity for Sheldon.
Mary: I know, you're right.
George Sr.: Whoa, she's right? I said the same thing in Petersen's office, you looked at me like I was an idiot. Yeah, that's the look.

Mary: Look, we appreciate you going to bat for him, but he's just a wee little thing. We can't ship him off to Dallas.
George Sr.: Shouldn't we talk about this first?
Mary: What's there to talk about, George?
George Sr.: This could be a great opportunity for Sheldon.
Mary: He's nine years old.
George Sr.: Oh, come on, you can't measure him in Earth years.
Mary: You're saying he's an alien?

George Sr.: Not sure about these uniforms. Kinda froufrou.

Mary: I'm worried. There are incantations in this book to summon actual demons.
George Sr.: Is that how we wound up with you?
Meemaw: That's a good one. I'm gonna give you that.
Mary: This is not a joke. This is one of the children's games we were warned about in church.
Meemaw: Then tell him to stop playing.
Mary: It's not that easy. He's finally got a couple of friends. I don't want to scare them off.
George Sr.: Well, when you're ready to scare kids, you got this face locked and loaded.
Meemaw: All right, the other one was funny, now you're just being a jackass.

Mary: Anyway, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it is demons, so it's in your purview.
Pastor Jeff: It is indeed. In fact, at a recent Young Baptist Leaders Conference, I attended a seminar on satanic leisure activities.
Mary: And?
Pastor Jeff: And the important lesson is, rather than have a parent or authority figure take the offending game away, let God remove it, root and stem.
Meemaw: Question, PJ. Uh, how's the big guy do that?
Pastor Jeff: Simple, Sheldon needs to start attending Sunday school. If he likes books with demons and devils, I've got one that will blow his mind.
George Sr.: What book is that?
Mary: The Bible, George.
George Sr.: Sure, yeah.

Meemaw: So, Sheldon wants a computer?
Mary: Ever since he could talk. But now more than ever.
George Sr.: Well, he should get a job after school. Save up and buy one.
Mary: Get a job? He's nine.
George Sr.: I mowed lawns when I was his age. Made pretty good money.
Mary: You want Sheldon to mow lawns? He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.
George Jr.: I would pay to see that.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

Mary: Where are you going?
George Sr.: To get a glass of milk.
George Jr.: He's lying. He's getting a beer.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

George Sr.: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

George Sr.: Button you pull, that's stupid.

George Sr.: I think I'll take the kids to school.
Mary: I'm sure he'll be out by the time you get home.
George Sr.: Not sure why you think that, but okay.

Principal Petersen: Now, I understand Sheldon is an exceptional child, all right, but when he willfully disobeys the order of a teacher, there needs to be some consequences here.
George Sr.: Oh, we couldn't agree more.
Mary: What kind of punishment are you thinking?
Principal Petersen: Well, Mary, in a case like this, a few days of detention.
Mary: Really? That seems a little harsh.
George Sr.: Oh, detention's no big deal. Now, my principal used to whup my ass with a paddle. That got my attention.
Principal Petersen: Oh, yeah. Those were the days. Still have mine. Ah, Ol' Spanky. Whoa.
George Sr.: Got a real nice grip on that thing.
Principal Petersen: Yeah, George. Had the equipment manager over at the Astros make this for me. The holes in it cut down on wind resistance.
George Sr.: Smart.
Principal Petersen: But these days you have to have a consent form to whack the kids. I don't know where this world's headed.
George Sr.: You ought to get one of those for when Georgie acts up. Like you never thought about going upside his head with a slab of wood.
Principal Petersen: You know, there was a time this thing gave me tennis elbow.

George Sr.: How about this? Go ahead and take the job. Yeah, if it turns out Sheldon and Missy can't look out for themselves for a couple hours after school, then well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Mary: Are you sure about this?
George Sr.: Yeah. Actually, probably good for 'em. Teach 'em a little responsibility.
Mary: That's exactly what my mom said.
George Sr.: Really? Well, I still like the idea.

Mary: Starting next Monday, I'm gonna take a full-time job at the church.
Sheldon: Well, who's going to take care of us?
Mary: Well, nothing will change in the morning I'll make breakfast, take you both to school. Then, after school, you'll come home, do your homework, watch TV, play with your toys till I come home around 6:00.
Sheldon: Well, why can't Meemaw take care of us?
George Sr.: 'Cause she's not the person you think she is.
Mary: George!

George Sr.: Hey, it's Dad. How you guys doing?
Missy: We're great.
George Sr.: Glad to hear it.
Missy: I'm watching TV, and Sheldon's reading quietly.
George Sr.: I knew you could handle this. I'm proud of you.
Missy: You know what? I'm proud of us, too.
George Sr.: Okay, baby doll, I'll be home in a couple hours.
Missy: Stay out all night. We got this.
George Sr.: Wha- Love you, too.

George Jr.: You know spying on kids is creepy.
George Sr.: I wasn't spying on kids, I was s-spying on your brother.
George Jr.: Why won't you just go inside?
George Sr.: Well, then, it wouldn't be spying, now would it?

George Sr.: Hey, Georgie, if you ever find a girlfriend, maybe you can go on a double date with your brother.
Mary: She's not his girlfriend.
George Jr.: And I can find one I'm just not looking.
George Sr.: We gotta get that Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue away from him before he's ruined forever.

Mary: How's it going?
George Sr.: Well, I think I figured out the problem.
Mary: What is it?
George Sr.: I'm a terrible mechanic.

Mary: Well, Sheldon's been spending quite a bit of time with this Libby girl, lately.
George Sr.: Yeah, so?
Mary: So isn't he a little young to be hanging with teenagers?
George Sr.: Oh, he's only young on the outside. Inside, he's an old man.
Mary: I'm being serious.
George Sr.: So am I. And with that bow-tie, he's old on the outside, too.

George Sr.: I want to talk to you about this play.
Sheldon: I'm excited about it, too.
George Sr.: You know, if you play the part of a girl, people might make fun of you.
Sheldon: Mr. Lundy's trying to push the boundaries of drama in East Texas. One way to do that is cross-gender casting.
George Sr.: Let me rephrase that: if you play the part of a girl, people will make fun of you.
Sheldon: In Shakespeare's time, the men played all the female parts. No one made fun of it.
George Sr.: If Shakespeare went to public high school, it'd be a different story.