George Sr.: So, as I said on the phone, our son invented something that his university's interested in, but we feel they might be trying to keep the lion's share for themselves.
Leslie: You really think it's gonna be worth something?
George Sr.: Well, university seems to think so. They want 90% of it.
Leslie: Oh, is that so? What's the invention?
Mary: We don't really understand it. [sighs]
George Sr.: Oh, you know, it's a computer... thing.
Leslie: Ah, adding machine and carbon paper got me this far.
Mary: Mm.

George Sr.: What... What am I smelling?
Leslie: Beef and broccoli. Chinese place downstairs.
George Sr.: Ooh, do they have good chop suey? I can never find good...
Mary: George.
George Sr.: You were saying?

George Sr.: I know we've lost to Pineview a lot over the years, but that's in the past. You're a different team now. So just stick to the plan, and you're gonna come out on top. And Stevens, I don't care how uncomfortable you are, you're wearin' your cup tonight. [laughter] All right, you boys have worked hard for this. Now, let's get out there and get that W.

George Sr.: He did "team on three." I do "team on three."
Coach Wilkins: I'll do it with ya.
George Sr.: Wh... It's not the same.

Mary: Hey, how was the game?
George Sr.: Fine.
Mary: Well, Pineview's a tough team. Don't beat yourself up.
George Sr.: No, we won.
Mary: I want to be happy, but your face is confusing me.
George Sr.: We destroyed 'em. It was a blowout.
Mary: That doesn't clear things up.
George Sr.: Pastor Rob prayed with the team before the game and everyone thinks he's the reason we won.

George Sr.: What's going on here?
Coach Wilkins: Just talking about Friday's game.
Mr. Givens: The paper called it the "Medford Miracle."
George Sr.: No miracle, just good coaching.
Pastor Rob: Let's not forget about those kids... I mean, they really played their hearts out.
George Sr.: One of the things I coached them to do.

Pastor Rob: It's just... I find that some kids respond better to encouragement.
George Sr.: This isn't Sunday school, this is football.
Pastor Rob: Oh, hey. I get it. I was an athlete in high school. Varsity tennis.
George Sr.: Okay.
Pastor Rob: Almost went to state.
George Sr.: I'm sure you did. And I'm sure tennis is considered a real sport... somewhere. But this is Texas, and this game on Friday is gonna be a street fight, and it is my job to make sure these boys are ready for it.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, we got the same goal here, George.
George Sr.: Really? You also want you to get out of my office?
Pastor Rob: All right, I'll go. [chuckles] I'm sorry if I overstepped. I just... hope you think about what I said, and, uh... ball's in your court. [mimes a tennis serve]
George Sr.: Yeah, I'm not doin' that back.

George Sr.: You got something to say, let's hear it.
Pastor Rob: I just don't think they're gonna expect you to go for it. You fake a field goal, you might catch 'em off guard.
Coach Wilkins: Actually, Pastor Rob, at this level that kind of play never...
George Sr.: Hang on, Wayne. Rob got us a win last week all on his own. Who are we to say no?
Coach Wilkins: Are you sure?
George Sr.: Yeah, I'm sure. What's the worst that could happen?
Coach Wilkins: We could lose.
George Sr.: Yep. And who would we blame?

George Sr.: [to Pastor Rob] I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but if I was a prayin' man, I'd start now.

Principal Petersen: George, you crazy son-of-a-bitch, I can't believe you pulled that off!
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Pastor Rob: Looks like we make a pretty good team, George.
[As Pastor Rob celebrates with the team, a glum George stands still. Two players walk up and dump a container of sports drink over George.]

George Sr.: What's all this?
Mary: Well... I thought that we could have a new family tradition: Pancake Sundays. I got all the fixings. You can pick what you want. We got chocolate chips, blueberries.
George Sr.: I wish I'd known, honey. I made an early tee time with Wayne.
Mary: What? Well, wouldn't you rather spend the day with your family?
George Sr.: Of course. [stammers] He's going through a divorce, you know. He needs this.
Mary: I guess, sure.
George Sr.: How about this? I'll take some bacon for the road.
Mary: Why don't you bring some for Wayne, too?
George Sr.: Good idea. Can I take the plate?
Mary: Go ahead.

George Sr.: Need any help over here?
Barbara: Are you trying to touch my underwear?
George Sr.: No, ma'am.
Barbara: Well, then step away.
George Sr.: Yes, ma'am.

George Sr.: Everything working okay for you?
Eileen: I heard about you. You're that panty sniffer.
George Sr.: No. No, no, no, there was no sniffing.
Eileen: Barbara, he doing it again.
George Sr.: No. No. Uh, I... Oh, I give up.

Charlie: [to Missy] So, you doing anything later?
George Sr.: Yeah, she's going home with her father.
Missy: Dad.
Charlie: I-I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know.
George Sr.: Yeah, did you know that she's in the seventh grade?
Missy: Dad!
Charlie: I thought she was older.
George Sr.: Well, now you know. Beat it.

George Sr.: Look, it's not easy seeing you talk to guys. Especially older guys.
Missy: You want to know what's not easy? Hearing from Billy Sparks about you and his mother hanging out in their chicken coop.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: He said he saw y'all leaving there the other day.
George Sr.: [snorts] We were talking chickens.
Missy: And he said it wasn't the first time.
George Sr.: They got a lot of chickens. [Missy sighs]

Mary: Hey. I hate that woman.
George Sr.: Your mother? Eh, she ain't gonna live forever.
Mary: Mandy's mom.
George Sr.: Oh. Yeah, that one we're stuck with for a while.
Mary: I extended an olive branch to make her feel part of the baby shower, and then she just took over the whole dang thing.
George Sr.: All right, I'll run her over with my truck.
Mary: I'm not ready to laugh yet, George.

George Sr.: [chuckles] I hope you're a starving artist 'cause I got a brisket on the smoker out there with your name on it.
Jim: Connor, uh, is also, uh, a-a vegetarian.
George Sr.: [stammers] No problem. We got beans. That's a vegetable. Right? [chuckles] Come on.

George Sr.: [chuckles] I hope you're a starving artist 'cause I got a brisket on the smoker out there with your name on it.
Jim: Connor, uh, is also, uh, a-a vegetarian.
George Sr.: [stammers] No problem. We got beans. That's a vegetable. Right? [chuckles] Come on.

George Sr.: So, Connor seems like a good kid.
Jim: Oh, yeah, yeah, he's a good kid. From another planet.
George Sr.: Oh, I got one of those. Georgie's little brother.
Jim: Is he a 22-year-old art school graduate with no prospects of ever holding down a real job?
George Sr.: [chuckles] Actually, he's a science genius who started college when he was 11.
Jim: Let's just talk about the brisket.

George Sr.: [laughs] 14 hours of smoke and love.
Jim: Trying not to drool.
Audrey: [enters] Jim, Connor, we're leaving!
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, hon, but the brisket...
Audrey: Now!
George Sr.: I'll make you a doggy bag.
Audrey: Jim. [walks off]
George Sr.: Poor bastard.