George Sr.: Hey, listen, something came up today that we need to talk about.
Mary: What's that?
George Sr.: I maybe have a shot at a better job.
Mary: Oh, George, they're finally gonna make you head coach?
George Sr.: Better than that. Special Teams Coach, University of Tulsa.
Mary: In Oklahoma?
George Sr.: That is where they're keeping Tulsa these days.

George Sr.: Very impressive. Not sure how you did it, but that is the least disgusting locker room I've ever been in.

George Sr.: I turned it down.
Mary: Why?
Missy: 'Cause you're afraid of Mom?

George Jr.: So me and Herschel dropped the engine on this Pacer today. It was so cool.
George Sr.: I had a buddy in high school had a Pacer with the flames painted on the side, which was funny 'cause the damn thing caught fire during the Homecoming parade

Coach Wilkins: I didn't see your kid at practice today. Everything all right?
George Sr.: Not really. ... That's it? You're not gonna ask me what's going on?
Coach Wilkins: I just did. You shut me out.
George Sr.: Well, it doesn't mean you can't persist a little.
Coach Wilkins: You know, this is the kind of crap I get from my wife. I do not need it from you.
George Sr.: Sorry. [SNIFFLES] You're really not gonna ask?

Herschel Sparks: Sorry about the light beer, but Brenda's got me on this health kick.
George Sr.: You are melting away.
Herschel Sparks: Shut up.

George Sr.: Thanks, Herschel. That does my heart good.
Herschel Sparks: So I guess you got two geniuses in the family.
George Sr.: Guess I do.
Herschel Sparks: Who knows, maybe Missy'll make it three.
George Sr.: Or it's two.

Sheldon: There's going to be a lecture on carbon dating at the Natural Science Museum on Saturday. Who would like to take me?
George Sr.: You know what? I'd be happy to.
Meemaw: What happened to helping me at my yard sale?
George Sr.: Ooh, is that this Saturday? I'm sorry. I'm taking him to a lecture on, uh what is it? Carbonation?
Sheldon: Carbon dating. A method of determining the age of artifacts and fossils.
George Sr.: Hey, we could use that to figure out how old your grandma is.
Sheldon: That won't work. You can't carbon-date something that's alive.
George Sr.: Well, then, we'll just chop her down and count the rings.
Meemaw: Oh, George, did my "lump of clay" remark strike a nerve?
George Sr.: A little.

Sheldon: Dad, do you believe that fossils are millions of years old?
George Sr.: I guess. Why?
Sheldon: Well, Mom believes the world was only created 6,000 years ago.
George Sr.: Yeah. So?
Sheldon: Are these differences a sticking point in your marriage?
George Sr.: Not at all.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: Simple. We never talk about it.
Sheldon: So you just avoid discussing topics you don't agree on?
George Sr.: At all costs.

Sheldon: Oh, my.
George Sr.: Yeah. I bet he dresses down to about 6,000, 7,000 pounds of USDA prime.
Sheldon: You would eat him?
George Sr.: He'd eat me.

Linda: I mean, you, of all people, would understand. You've got a special child of your own.
George Sr.: I do, I do.
Linda: How do you and Mary handle the stress?
George Sr.: Well, we actually have a pretty good system.
Linda: Oh, please tell me.
George Sr.: We don't talk about it.
Linda: Not at all?
George Sr.: Zippo.
Linda: Boy, that doesn't sound like it could work.
George Sr.: Suit yourself, but I'm having a nice day; you're crying into your peach cobbler.

Linda: And then when Paige turned six, it was obvious she wasn't like the other kids, and she needed a school where she could excel.
George Sr.: Uh-huh.
Linda: But Barry's dental practice was 50 miles outside of Fayetteville, and do you know what's available for extraordinary children 50 miles outside of Fayetteville?
George Sr.: I'm gonna guess not much.
Linda: Nothing. So I packed us up, and I made him move to Texas where, believe it or not, people do get cavities.
George Sr.: I believe it. I had a humdinger last summer. Face swelled up like a cantaloupe.

George Sr.: Hey, you like football?
Barry: No.
George Sr.: Well, you sure? It's a close game.
Barry: Uh, no, no, I'm, uh, more of a tennis man.
George Sr.: Well, those are two very different sports, aren't they?

Sheldon: Did you know that her parents are getting a divorce?
George Sr.: Just keep walking. Keep walking.

George Sr.: Want to hear something cool? Sheldon skipped out of that lecture with that little Paige girl, snuck into a closed exhibit.
Mary: You're kidding.
George Sr.: True. [LAUGHS] Even got, uh, "arrested" by the museum security cops.
Mary: Why would you think that's cool?
George Sr.: Sheldon got into trouble with a girl! I'm bursting with pride.
Mary: [SIGHS] You know what? I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: There, right there. That's why I love you.

Mary: I can't believe this.
George Sr.: No good?
Mary: It's awful. It makes sin seem like a good thing.
George Sr.: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, nobody would do it.
Mary: George, please, I'm in no mood.
George Sr.: Hey. Wrath. That's one of the seven sins, right?
Mary: Pastor Jeff gave me this project because he knew I'd be best at it. Now Gene Lundy is taking over.
George Sr.: Oh, look, pride. And envy. Don't stop. Four sins to go. I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

Mary: Look at this. We threw a party for heaven and nobody came. Not one person chose to be saved.
George Sr.: Well, did you tell 'em about the cupcakes?

George Sr.: Hey.
Dr. John Sturgis :Hello.
Meemaw: You got a minute? John has something he wants to talk to you about.
Dr. John Sturgis: I brought you kolaches.
George Sr.: Ooh, yummy.

George Sr.: No. See, Mary, that's the best part There's no pokin' and proddin'.

Mary: And what about Missy? Aren't these tests gonna make her feel bad that she's not as smart as Sheldon?
George Sr.: [SNORTS] I'm not as smart as Sheldon. Doesn't make me feel bad.