Dr. John Sturgis: Dr. Linkletter. Please meet my girlfriend, Connie Tucker.
Dr. Linkletter: Nice to meet you, Dr. Tucker.
Meemaw: I'm not a doctor.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I would like to point out, she's quite real.
Dr. Linkletter: I can see that.
Dr. John Sturgis: And our relationship is more than just friends.
Meemaw: That's enough.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, it's flat-out erotic.
Meemaw: Change the subject, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: You got it, girlfriend.

Dr. Linkletter: John, where have you been hiding her?
Dr. John Sturgis: I haven't. I've talked about her quite a bit, but you all said she was a figment of my imagination.

Dr. John Sturgis: There's an upcoming event at the university, and I'd like you to be my plus-one.
Meemaw: Oh. Well, I'd love to go.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful! It's a date. Bye.
Meemaw: Wait, wait. Hang on there, partner. I need a little more information. When is this event?
Dr. John Sturgis: This Friday night.
Meemaw: Oh. What time?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not sure.
Meemaw: Well, will there be food?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have no idea.
Meemaw: What's the dress code?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not a clue.
Meemaw: Well, what do you know?
Dr. John Sturgis: You're my plus-one.
Meemaw: Well, you go do a little more research and get back to me.
Dr. John Sturgis: You got it!
Meemaw: Bye.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wait.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Love you!
Meemaw: Love you, too.

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I believe I have answers to all your questions.
Meemaw: Lay it on me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Time: the event begins at 6:00 p.m. The dress code is: business attire. Dinner will be served, but it's been suggested that we eat first, because the food is dreadful.
Meemaw: Good to know.
Dr. John Sturgis: And last but not least, a camelid is any member of the camelidae family, such as llamas, alpacas or vicuñas. You didn't ask that one, but, uh, it seemed like something you should know.

Meemaw: John is everybody at this party gonna be a scientist like you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not everybody. You'll be there.
Meemaw: That's kind of what I'm gettin' at.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is there a problem?
Meemaw: Well yeah. I didn't go to college. I was a total screwup in high school. I might not fit in at all.
Dr. John Sturgis: Don't be silly. Everyone's gonna love you. And I'm excited to show you off. The general consensus among the faculty is you don't exist.
Meemaw: I don't know how I feel about that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, don't worry it says more about me than it does about you.

George Sr.: So, John, how was your first driving lesson?
Dr. John Sturgis: Intense. At one point, I was approaching an intersection. The light was green, but at the last moment, it turned yellow. I didn't know what to do. Should I keep going? Should I stop? There were other cars nearby. Connie was yelling. A glare from the sun was in my eyes.
Sheldon: So, what happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: Somehow, I managed to make it through, turned on my directional, and slowly pulled to the side of the road.
Sheldon: That's how you tell a scary story.

Dr. John Sturgis: In lighter news, your meemaw loves me.

Dr. John Sturgis: I don't think I can do this, Connie.
Meemaw: Of course you can. We're just getting started.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's too much information. I can't process it.
Meemaw: It was just a yellow light.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not just the light. There were other cars. There's pedestrians. There was a guy on a bicycle.
Meemaw: So?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's just too many random elements. The- The- The stimuli are overwhelming.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry. I know I'm letting you down.
Meemaw: Oh, don't be silly. You're not letting me down. [CHUCKLES] I love you whether you can drive or not.
Dr. John Sturgis: You love me?
Meemaw: Well, I- I suppose I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] Am I allowed to reciprocate?
Meemaw: Sure, if that's the way you feel.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] Oh, it is. I love you, too, Connie.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLING] Well... That's just great.
Dr. John Sturgis: All righty.
Meemaw: Would you like to switch seats with me?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but give me a minute because my legs are a little wobbly.
Meemaw: Is that from the yellow light or the "I love yous"?
Dr. John Sturgis: Both.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm usually the one giving the tests, but, uh, today I'm taking one.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I usually say that to my students.

Dr. John Sturgis: What?
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] How's it going?
Dr. John Sturgis: I can't tell you. There's no talking.
DMV Employee: No talking.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sorry.

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you for agreeing to the early-bird dinner. When I eat too late, the food just sits right here.
Meemaw: Yeah, gettin' old is no party.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I've had this problem since I was ten. When I was in grade school, my nickname was Old Burpy.
Meemaw: Well, I will not be calling you that.
Dr. John Sturgis: You can if you'd like.
Meemaw: I'm good.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, I have a little surprise for you.
Meemaw: Oh, I love surprises. Whatcha got?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm going to learn to drive.
Meemaw: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. While I love having you be the dominant personality behind closed doors, I think out in public I ought to take on more of a macho role.
Meemaw: [LAUGHS] Well, you're macho enough for me, John, but I would enjoy not having to drive us all the time.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then it's settled.
Meemaw: Well, when do you start?
Dr. John Sturgis: As soon as you teach me.
Meemaw: Me? Do you really think that's a good idea?
Dr. John Sturgis: It's perfect. I teach you about science so you can impress your grandson, and you teach me to drive so I can impress you.
Meemaw: Okay, but if we do this, I'm in charge. You have to do what I say when and how I tell you to do it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hubba-hubba, it's like we're back in the bedroom.

Meemaw: John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes?
Meemaw: Could we do it just one more time?
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? I don't want you to get tired of it.
Meemaw: I won't. Please?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I can't say no to you.
Meemaw: Fire in the hole. [Mary throws a biscuit and John catches it.] Unbelievable. Again, again.

Dr. John Sturgis: Difficult day.
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Psychology? Is that a new interest of yours?
Sheldon: It was either this or milking cows.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I once was licked by a cow. You made the right choice.

Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, my, I don't know where to begin. Well, first of all, I'm thankful to you, Connie, for how you make me laugh, make me feel cared for, all the ways you're affectionate to me that I can't discuss in-in front of children because that would be inappropriate, right?
Meemaw: Right.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I'm thankful to be here with your wonderful family. This is something I didn't experience growing up. See, my father was away a great deal on business and it was just me and my mother and she was a cold and distant woman who blamed the world for her club foot.
Meemaw: Sweetie.
Dr. John Sturgis: And I-
Meemaw: Wrap it up.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sorry. My gratitude knows no bounds.

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I need to apologize.
Meemaw: Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, I am worrying about it. I didn't realize that with you and I being in a relationship, me wearing your dead husband's clothes would be emotionally challenging for you.
Meemaw: All right, apology accepted.

Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Considering buying this jacket. I found chewing tobacco and Juicy Fruit in the pocket. Does that come with it, or is it extra?
Meemaw: Actually, that's not for sale. Why don't you look for something else.
Dr. John Sturgis: You sure? There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: Just take it off.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is this some kind of bargaining technique? Because I should warn you.
I've been to the bazaars in Istanbul, where the negotiations are fast, furious and bilingual.

Meemaw: Just take it off, damn it. [Meemaw storms away]
Dr. John Sturgis: What just happened?
Mary: That's my dad's jacket.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. Still don't know what happened.

Dr. John Sturgis: He's like a young version of me, but without corrective shoes.