Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, and, uh if your meemaw asks how I did tonight, I hope you'll give me a positive review.
Sheldon: Three stars.
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of three?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Wonderful!

Sheldon: I think you tripped and hit your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm a bit woozy.
Sheldon: I better test for concussion. What's your name?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Burgess Sturgis.
Sheldon: Burgess Sturgis? Great name.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you.

Sheldon: Who's the president of the United States?
Dr. John Sturgis: George Herbert Walker Bush.
Sheldon: I like Burgess Sturgis better.
Dr. John Sturgis: 'Cause it rhymes, sure.

Sheldon: Last question. What is the only fermion that may not have an antiparticle?
Dr. John Sturgis: The neutrino, of course.
Sheldon: I'm gonna rule out concussion.
Dr. John Sturgis: To be fair, it was an easy question.
Sheldon: True.

Sheldon: Wait here. I'm going to go get some ice for your head and I'll fix you a hot beverage.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. There's a, there's an Earl Grey tea bag in the sink. I think it still has some oomph in it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like me to sing a cowboy song while we sit around our makeshift campfire?
Sheldon: I would like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: [singing] Oh, pity the cowboy, All bloody and red, For the bronco fell on him, And bashed in his head, There was blood on the saddle, And blood all around, And a great big puddle of blood, On the ground.

Dr. John Sturgis: If you like being tucked in, I'm prepared to do it. I practiced on a watermelon.

Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. Now, I'll be in my room if you need me. Here's a glass of water if you get thirsty. And there's fresh chalk on the blackboard in case of any late-night epiphanies.

Sheldon: Do you believe there's intelligent life in the universe?
Dr. John Sturgis: I have no doubt.
Sheldon: Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: The Drake Equation claims that there are at least 20 detectable civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy alone.
Sheldon: Interesting. My sister likes to say that I'm an alien.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've often been called that. Once by the praying mantis in my dream.
Sheldon: Maybe we are aliens.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Or maybe people like you and me were the original inhabitants of Earth, and everyone else is from outer space.
Sheldon: Ooh, I like that better.

Mary: You like chalkboards, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Indeed, I do.
Mary: Huh.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, I even have one in the bathroom. You never know when inspiration will strike.

Mary: Remember, it's a school night, so his bedtime is 7:30.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mine, too!

Dr. John Sturgis: Sure!
Meemaw: What the heck? Do you really think you could handle living with a ten-year-old?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, he's only biologically ten. In every other way, he's as old as I am.

Meemaw: John, I don't think you realize the responsibility involved here.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, why don't we have a trial run? Have him spend a couple days with me and see how it goes.
Meemaw: A trial run, huh?
Dr. John Sturgis: Like the space program. You don't send people up right away; you start by spinning them around in that thing that makes them throw up.

Dr. John Sturgis: Here's an idea. Why don't you and Sheldon come live with me? And then you can take care of both of us.
Meemaw: Trial run sounds like the way to go.
Dr. John Sturgis: Not ready to shack up, are you?

Dr. John Sturgis: Thank you, Bonnie. You see that? I made a joke about it.
Meemaw: Never do it again.
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, ma'am.

Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you're too immature.
Meemaw: Gentlemen, please.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry, but when someone with way less experience accuses me of not knowing what I'm talking about, my hackles are up.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, this is Sheldon. You're wrong and I can prove it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is that so?
Sheldon: It is so.
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, little man, bring it on.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's all right, Connie. Sheldon's trying to justify his shortcut.
Sheldon: Not a shortcut, a more elegant and efficient method to achieve the correct answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I applaud the effort, young man.
Sheldon: Don't treat me like a child, treat me like a colleague.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Sheldon: How could you say that?! [CRYING]
Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Treating him like a colleague.
Meemaw: Do you and your colleagues make each other run out of the room crying like that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes. But we run slower, 'cause we're old.

Dr. Linkletter: My goodness, you're as funny as you are beautiful.
Meemaw: That's a nice thing to say to your friend's girlfriend.
Dr. John Sturgis: Actually, I don't think it is so nice. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were sweet-talking my date right in front of me.
Dr. Linkletter: You're a pretty smart man, John. Trust your gut.
Meemaw: Oh, look! Shrimp cocktail. Let's get some.
Dr. Linkletter: Now, hang on.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hey. Take your hand off her, or there are gonna be some severe consequences.
Dr. Linkletter: Whoa, John, calm down. What do you see in this guy?
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, that's it! [John shoves Dr. Linkletter]
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, boy, you shouldn't have done that. [Dr. Linkletter shoves John]
Meemaw: That's enough! Both of you, just cool your jets.
Dr. John Sturgis: This isn't over, Dr. Linkletter!
Dr. Linkletter: Anytime, anyplace, Dr. Sturgis.
Dr. John Sturgis: And your graviton research is mediocre at best!
Meemaw: Keep moving.
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you angry with me?
Meemaw: More turned on.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Great. Let's go.

Dr. John Sturgis: Are-are you all right?
Meemaw: No, I'm very nervous.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's interesting. Normally, I'm the one who's unsure of himself in a social situation, but tonight, it's you.
Meemaw: Yeah. Frickin' fascinating.