Mary: George! You are not gonna believe this. Look. Their dog left a dead squirrel in our living room.
Herschel Sparks: Well, he is part hunting dog. I think that means he likes you.
Mary: I'm not interested in winning his affection. I'm interested in keeping dogs and rodents outside of my home.
Brenda Sparks: Well, now, hold on. How do we know it was Bucky that left that squirrel in your house? Maybe that squirrel was already there.
Mary: Why else would a dead squirrel be in my living room?
Brenda Sparks: I don't know what kind of house you keep.

Brenda Sparks: [on the tannoy] Connie Tucker to the front desk, please. Connie Tucker.
Mary: Why are you calling her?
Brenda Sparks: You say my daughter's harassing your son. Well, her daughter's harassing me.

Brenda Sparks: How do we know that your son didn't lure Bucky in to perform weird science experiments on him?

Brenda Sparks: What do you want?
Mary: I baked you a pie.
Brenda Sparks: Why?
Mary: Well, I was thinking we haven't had the best history as neighbors.
Brenda Sparks: That's 'cause we don't like each other.

Billy Sparks: [o.s.] Mom, I'm bleeding again!
Brenda Sparks: You know what, Mary? I appreciate it, but this isn't a great time. Bobbi stabbed Billy in the leg with a fork.
Mary: Good Lord. Is he okay?
Brenda Sparks: It was a plastic fork, but it broke the skin pretty good.
Mary: Oh, okay, I-I understand.
Brenda Sparks: How about I take that pie and give you a rain check?
Mary: Um, sure-
Billy Sparks: [o.s.] I think there's mustard in the fork holes!
Brenda Sparks: Got to go.
Mary: You can keep the pan!

Brenda Sparks: Billy's a sweet kid. But these middle schoolers are gonna eat him alive.
Mary: You don't know that. Maybe they'll be nice.
Brenda Sparks: Boy, if we were in middle school right now, I'd have your head in a toilet so fast.

Brenda Sparks: How did Missy do?
Mary: I think Missy had the best day of her life.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, thank God. Tell me everything.
Mary: Well, in one class she sits between her friends, so the note-passing goes through her.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna get the dirt firsthand. That's huge.
Mary: And then an eighth-grade boy talked to her at lunch.
Brenda Sparks: On the first day?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna be prom queen. I'm calling it.
Mary: That's fun, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: Mary, it'll be a miracle if Billy even makes it to high school. Don't take this away from me.
Mary: Missy is gonna look so cute in that tiara.
Brenda Sparks: Yes, she is.

Brenda Sparks: That toilet won't stop running.
George: Have you tried jiggling the handle?
Brenda Sparks: I jiggled it, wiggled it. Damn near had a baby with it.
George: [chuckles] Yeah, let me take a look.
Brenda Sparks: I was fixing to put some dinner on, if you care to join me.
George: I don't want to put you out.
Brenda Sparks: It's just frozen lasagna. But I'm going oven instead of microwave, 'cause you're company.

Brenda Sparks: I see Pastor Rob's here again.
Mary: Oh, does, uh... does he come here often?
Brenda Sparks: Not with that one. She's new.
Mary: Well, good for him.
Brenda Sparks: Single, good-looking pastor. In a small town like this, he might as well be Roger Staubach. [off Mary's confusion] Oh, my God. The Dallas Cowboys.
Mary: Oh, sure, course. Um... hey, if you need me, I'm gonna be in the office doing... office things.

Mary: Oh, hey, hi. (sniffles) Oh...
Brenda Sparks: You okay?
Mary: Not really. It's been a... rough couple of days.
Brenda Sparks: I'm sorry.
Mary: Thank you.
Brenda Sparks: Makes you feel better, I've had a pretty good couple of days, and I'm still gonna get drunk. [laughs] Want to join me?
Mary: Yes. That would be nice.
Brenda Sparks: More sad than nice, but let's go.

Mary: Oh, hey. I didn't know you were working tonight.
Brenda Sparks: I'm not. Just meeting some friends.
Mary: Oh, that's nice.
Brenda Sparks: Yep.
Mary: Oh, so, I was just getting off work myself.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Have a good one.
Mary: Well, uh, so, friends from high school, or...?
Brenda Sparks: More like a bunch of gals that used to be married, used to be in Weight Watchers, and now just come here to drink and bitch about their lives.

Brenda Sparks: So, Audrey, is this your first grandkid?
Audrey: Yep.
Brenda Sparks: You must be excited.
Audrey: Sure. Can't say I'm thrilled with the circumstances, but... Amanda's always done things her way.
Meemaw: I have a lot of grandkids. At some point, you just stop caring how they got here. [Audrey nods]
Brenda Sparks: I'm gonna get some punch.
Meemaw: It's nonalcoholic.
Brenda Sparks: Oh.

Brenda Sparks: Hey, welcome back. How's little Constance doing?
Mary: We're calling her CeeCee.
Brenda Sparks: Well, that's just the cutest.
Mary: Mm-hmm.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I got you coffee. Don't worry, it's not the sludge we serve. I got it from the 7-Eleven on the corner.
Mary: Thank you, but I'm fine.
Brenda Sparks: Are you sure? I put some of those flavored creamers in it. Fancy.

Mary: We have nothing to talk about.
Brenda Sparks: Fine. Then let's just yell at each other.
Mary: I'm not yelling at you.
Brenda Sparks: Mary, we're neighbors, our kids are friends. We're gonna be in each other's lives for a long time. Let's do this.
Mary: I am busy. I am making a cake.
Brenda Sparks: And I'm talking to a pain in the ass who won't admit she's mad.
Mary: I'm not mad.
Brenda Sparks: Really? [Mary gasps as Brenda runs her finger through the cake and licks the frosting] How about now?
Mary: Back yard.

Brenda Sparks: Mary, I don't even think it was about me. It could've been anybody.
Mary: That doesn't make me feel better.
Brenda Sparks: I just mean I'm not his wife. Which makes me easier to talk to. Don't make it right, but talk's all it was.
Mary: Are you sure?
Brenda Sparks: I swear. Like how sometimes it was easier for you to talk to Pastor Rob?
Mary: But shouldn't George and I want to talk to each other?
Brenda Sparks: Don't ask me, I couldn't hang on to my "crappy husband."
Mary: Sorry about that.
Brenda Sparks: No. It's true.
Mary: You want to talk about it?
Brenda Sparks: That'd be nice. George around? [off Mary's look] Okay, not ready to joke.